User Comment Rodeo: Lazier and Funnier than Ever!

Hey readers, you're probably quite excited that the UCR hasn't been lost or destroyed in a fire yet, right? Oh, you aren't... well it's back. 2014 has probably been a great year for stupid user comments, but we're going to find out. Okay, well, here's a bunch of great user commentary, bitching, and the occasional gem - dug up in the most unhealthy way possible.

 

Highly potent stuff. Hahahahaha. I can definitely see why the UCR 3000 or whatever picked this up. Great shit. Hahha. Not a waste of twenty thousand dollars.

Ahahaha holy shit somebody got owned [for teh internet savvy browsers: 'pwned'] pretty hard in the comment section that day... goddamn that's some serious incest.

Damn look at this guy who can see through the facade of lowered violent crime rates and other liberal mumbo-jumbo hexapentatonic voodoo to the truth: ancient biblical cities that were destroyed for lawlessness and immorality are essentially the same as the modern United States. Obozo, good shit dude... betcha didn't come up with something that good yourself.

Hell yeah that's got me spinning in the chair, spitting out my tea/coffee/beer, and laughing all the way to the bank!

In twelve years the above user commentary will be cited in a study conclusively proving that video games promote mental illness on a level at least equivalent to marginalization, drug use, or genetics. I don't know what the hell is going on, but people live like that... imagine their internal monologues and all the stupid shit they get excited about... mental illnesses and neurological problems... seriously hilarious shit.

 

Climate science is the lowest target besides almost everything else an unthinking buffoon commentates on. Let's see what might or might not happen (much like we as a species do with earth and climate science).

You see? Hippie shit.

Oh, and highly reasonable responses that lead one to question why the commentator is wasting potential arguing with people in the user comment section. Why not go to school? Or use your time responsibly... maybe these saints have bigger plans than any of us know, and don't mind getting mired in incredibly stupid and wasteful arguments with hardened skeptics. Maybe they don't even get hopeless or angry or wracked by belly laughs when they engage the user comment sections of the internet... and there's a lot of those.

User Comment Rodeo: Rocktoberfest

Listen well, for I know that reading internet user commentary is an unhealthy practice. Every day, many people are drowned in sorrow and rage by scrolling down on a YouTube video. The most vulnerable and fearful video posters have been known to disable commentary altogether – suspecting the wildest, dumbest, and most impassioned responses. User Comment Rodeo asks the rhetorical: why is internet commentary such a low thing? Has it any value? Who gains by it, and who are the principal commentators? Why is it largely hateful, negative, illiterate? Does it reflect on human society in the year 2013? What conclusions can we draw about the spitefulness of modern humanity? It is known the internet can have deleterious effects on health, especially mental health, and I believe that the biggest user comment posters are also the most mentally unwell.

For this instalment of User Comment Rodeo, I wanted to stray as far as possible from the usual set of questions and the usual set of very obvious samples and go a-huntin' for more specialized examples. The beauty of user commentary is that it is limitless: if it could be used to generate energy we could go some distance to solving the energy crisis. If only impotent rage held any value at all, we could even begin to trade it, bringing in an era of fantastic riches. Since it doesn't, I changed the parameters on the UCR 3000 and waited for a haul of brilliant material. Me, getting content farmed? Hah, I'm farming the internet every day and rolling in the 'lulz' like it's dirty money.

You will see above an example of the 'intentional double post'. User is 'raging' at a localized advertisement and revealing a rather high level of acrimony. If you didn't know about the problems of a New Zealand national on Youtube, you know. That has value: not as much value as an AD BLOCKER perhaps, but value nonetheless. Double posts are generally due to user error, but as you can see, they are very enjoyable and visceral when they are intentionally done to express some idea or other.

Here's another double post, which demonstrates the flip-side of 'double posting for emphasis'. It also demonstrates how searching for double posts is risky, because they're not so highly amusing if they're not New Zealots taking the piss out of corrupt businesses, biased governments, and the eternal problem of YouTube advertising.

This is an apologist double post. A big company was at risk of being called mean things, and someone had to stand up for them. Of course length has an inverse relationship to content and quality of communication, so I don't really know where this guy is coming from. "Yeah, you know, who cares if it's people like me who enable large corporations to skirt legal issues, hide from effective taxation, and blow up clouds of careless birds with impunity. They're good for the community, they're sincerely gracious to their employees, and they're not Pamela Wallin."

Let's get back to the relatively basic single post - in this set I'd like to cite one poster (you might have noticed them already) who manages to miss the point, be a buzzkill, and expose himself as a deviant square all at the same time. Also there's an Internet Drug Expert (very cool), and what I think is a tween hipster there in the middle (VICE Montreal or die, bro)... suffice it to say there is only one truly insufferable poster, and the quality of the rest of the comments was significantly higher than what I'd expect from Youtube Comment Sections. People spend their time doing this kind of thing, maybe in isolation, maybe while they ride public transit... scary, isn't it? You may never know who these posters are, but if you're lucky you'll never know who they are.

I decided to close this rather lazy UCR on a high note. Spam comments like this are everywhere, some newer ones are offering drugs but I do enjoy an old fashioned Pick Up Artist 'advertisement'. This guy is very subtly a spam bot, but you'd never know just by reading the blatant yet  comment. The internet... it only cares about the one thing it will never possess: sex.

Thanks Internet: Wierd Groups You Fixate On

They were somehow innocent, immune to shame, and their positivity was as naive as it was indestructible. The world was laughing at them. I was a jaded person, I had wasted my innocence, and the part of my life where I would see them as acceptable was over. In other ways, perhaps, but for me there would be no great passion in a harmless, consumer-oriented fandom. If I had ever been close, it had been just before the Star Wars reboot, but that fizzled out for me. So I considered the modern scene amusing at first, and then detestable, and then settled into an indifferent apathy. It was the hands-in-pockets crowd and their best friends from the internet, how could it ever pay off?

The whole internet was like a moth to flame regarding these people: they were like furries and straight-edge kids combined, not such a 'thing' yet that people over 35 had any idea about their existence. Hot property. It was a movement for people who didn't want to grow up. They had managed to get a lot of attention from the indulgent denizens of the internet, who loved to mock and worry about them. It was a movement beyond mockery, in many ways, because it was earnest (if twisted in 50%+ of cases) and simple. It was a worst case scenario for New Sincerity, which is where the blame squarely lay. Some participants were actual children, not just mentally child-like; it was bizarre, and impossible not to get bad vibes from. It was cringe-worthy.

In the course of their mockery I was introduced and re-introduced to the movement. The base users of the internet were enthralled, I think, with the possibility of a group more pathetic than themselves. It was hilarity potentiated by an odd sense of pathos. Lots of good laughs were had at the expense of these stupidly earnest, mentally-ill, immature individuals, but also good money was being made on them. Not that I was a capitalist, and if anything it was their collective identity as consumers that made them beneath scorn. They were, in a word, jokes. Unnervingly awkward, questionable jokes.

Everyone wanted identity and belonging, though. That was the less funny part. The existence of this group was evidence of pathological issues in modern society. It was a symptom of a sick world. Even so, they were having fun, believed in something or everything, and they cared – all of which was drily amusing of course. They were not the ones engaging and propagating the sick society which was eating away human potential and leaving us with manic-depressives, borderlines, and headcases of all sorts. They were harmless eccentrics, 'nice guys', outcasts, and all truly bizarre. To me it was borderline unacceptable, but I didn't want to throw stones and laugh spitefully: that's too close to caring.

Some of them were undoubtedly sick. There was no other explanation. It was bizarre: a combination of tweens, teenagers, twenty-somethings, all the way up to the usual extreme cases: sad and lonely men in their forties and fifties. Not that they were exceptional among modern movements and identity groups, or even particularly embarrassing in that field. The internet was full enough of shit to ruin anyone's mind, victims were plentiful. Their position was defensible in that way and many others, even though it was tone-deaf and ignorant and, essentially, very creepy in a way which does not misuse the word.

They preached fun, acceptance, peace, caring. They were clad in various baggy ill-fitting garments, liked gaudy colours, and especially products which broadcast their love of the entertainment product which they consumed in togetherness. They could be any group of youth, really. I suppose I hated them most for their consumerism, because their cry for identity was not particularly remarkable, nor their lack of critical perspective. In the modern era of disposable society vs. unbending self-righteous fundamentalism there wasn't a single place to stand. It made one nihilistic, which made funny groups attractive to mockers and adherents alike. The rise of the dubstep generation. Heh.

It was all insane. It was best to just laugh and not question any of it, but not questioning it seemed wrong. Same as it ever was, too. Maybe they were historically unique for record levels of meek nebbishism, little else. They would grow, was the problem, and create and kinds of morbid counter-mentalities. Shit like that was going to ruin everything, contribute to ongoing lost generations, influence the future... which made it less funny to watch a mawkish convention mentality spastically going its way in an oblivious, unforgiving world. Less funny; deeper humor, and darker. So if you want to know if there are worse things: of course there are worse things – the rest are all warning signs.

Has the Golden Era of Adblockers Passed?

Recently I tried to watch some online video on a television channel's website. The video applet failed to load completely and it didn't take long for me to develop the correct suspicion. I disabled my adblocker and reloaded the page. No fucking video. So I open the page in a vanilla browser and it loads, a wild contrast from what I had, up till that point, been used to. On the vanilla browser there is a banner and large square add. Then the video starts and I am subjected to extra-loud advertising, TV style, with a vengeance. In addition to the other adds. Another advertisement plays, and a third, before my content is loaded.

Adblockers, with the advent of hijacked banner ads and unscrupulous marketing, to say nothing of the paranoid or political users of the internet, are not simply a tool entitled users employ to rid themselves of annoyances. Ad-blockers are legitimately a way of keeping your computer clean, of preventing your oft-used technological distractions from compromise. The fact you don't have to watch commercials (which are basically always: manipulative, insulting, indoctrinating or some shameful combination of all three) is an added bonus to not having your internet-accessing-device fucked with.

I am not a poweruser but I've been adblocking for years - since I discovered it was possible. I understand that advertising revenue drives some smaller sites, and, yes, I'd agree they deserve their due - assuming they police their advertisements for some level of quality. Fine, whatever, have your .005 cents per impression. You deserve it, plucky little website. However, the worst offenders are often large media sites – sometimes even those which already use paywalls. Let me present a brief overview of the galloping trend of online advertising.

In the early 90's during the second wave of the internet, when things became graphical enough that advertisement in the classic sense became possible, it was largely internet entities that advertised for themselves, and certain forward looking companies often related to the tech-sector. It was a simpler time. By late 1999 basically everyone who wasn't under a rock or a dinosaur was getting into online advertisement. 'Hey, check out our website at http://www.geocities.SonnysPizza/index.htm for some coupons' and other types of hilarity abounded. Whatever, wherever you got advertised to, it took a slice of your pitiful bandwidth and generally wasted time and resources, but you had to face it. Eventually MSN Messenger (R.I.P) becomes huge, and eventually it begins to advertise to you.

Side banner; top banner; .gif flames - all of these things were familiar. Between then and now the internet has grown up and come of age to the point where a huge section of people use it. All the troglodytes, termites, attractive well-adjusted people, and infants came out of the woodwork and the internet is full of everyone now. Whatever, other people will tell you about it, and some gigantic nerd could probably make a convincingly venomous deal about it... all I'll say is it drove a wave of advertising intensity that eventually rivaled the notorious realm of television adverts.

Fucking pop-ups were one thing, but there came layers of advertising that would jump into existence around key-words. Video sidebars that glitched out your browser and had to fling their audio payloads into your ears. 'Interactive' commercials made by committees of dullards and shills. YouTube videos became clogged with side, top, and skippable pre-video advertisements for every user account considered important enough to waste your time for their profit. What was once dumb, became even dumber, amen. So it goes, right? Absolutely. Yet there were additions to your browsers that would kill all advertising.

True to form, adblockers were free. They worked, and nobody who adopted them ever looked back. Surfing without them was like going back in time. It sucked, you were exposed to all the reprehensible shit that barely existed in your ideal internet experience. Going back to ads is like hitting yourself in the face with a shoe. Beautiful adblocking programs, released by benevolent and right-minded developers, worked on classic print ads, video ads, and even ads played in video content. It is like a magic balm that drives mosquitoes far, far away. For those who use adblockers, the internet just is that much less shitty. It's less claustrophobic and it can seem like the terminal cash-in state of the world has been opposed.

So of course, it comes to an end, by hosted content ('hosting ain't free, yo') which a profitable broadcaster puts online. Until very recently I had never been blocked for anything but geographical reasons (though nationalization of the internet is another ugly recent phenomenon) but a week or two ago I was denied a show I had been following online. I imagine in a year it will be impossible to skip video-advertisements everywhere, and only the smug power users will know what to do about it. Hopefully the same people who did the good work of blocking online advertising will keep up and their programs will not lapse into irrelevance due to some frightening and monstrous online advertising epidemic.

Because what the hell? You're running a profitable business already, and why not add some more revenue? Why not even more? Why not three advertisements every five-and-a-half minutes on video content? Why not have it be 30% louder than actual content, like on TV? Who cares is the commercial is ideologically loaded or bankrupt of all value? Who cares if it's annoying? 'I like money, gentlemen, and nobody gets a free lunch!'

A browser without an adblocker is a sign of a pitiable person trapped in the commercial arena, a hopeless square, a submissive lackadaisical fuck, a worthless shit hyperbole rapist. This is one fight the internet should not lose.

Legal and Moral Panic over Teenaged Trolls; the Coming Age of Anti-Troll Legislation

When Amanda Todd killed herself there was a fury which the internet-related deaths of hundreds of others failed to awaken. There was media hyperbole and the ever-present pointing of fingers. Yes, it was unquestionably a horrible, senseless ending to a young life. No, I don't think I'd blame teenagers for it – exclusively, at least. Teenagers, for all their precocious brightness, are almost without exception immature and are generally pretty impressionable as well. They are caged in shitty little worlds and it makes them inexplicable to older people who have escaped. Sometimes they feel like they can't escape, sometimes they think life sucks, and these and other things make them intolerable.

They're not particularly nice: they might respect their elders (which is immensely satisfying to smug elders), but they will go after each other with a wonderful blend of hatred and conviction one rarely sees outside of politics or ideological clashes. They're mean as rabid dogs: and in a culture which is arrogant enough to blame them while simultaneously encouraging them, it doesn't seem like there are a lot of people who really care. Society loves stories like these. They appeal to baser natures: outrage, righteousness, fury, voyeurs. They are easy to explain: evil kids, internet anonymity, lack of empathy, etc... The story needed to be told, but it was without reservation a story which was disgusting. Nothing about it seemed right, and looking into it was looking into the abyss of the internet and pretending to know what the fuck. Experts ran their mouths about how parents could prevent kids from falling into a similar trap. Punishments were devised. The police were all over it.

Truth of the matter is that such a thing will inevitably happen again, and something worse will undoubtedly happen if the law tries to get more deeply involved, pushing the criminal verges of cyber-harassment further underground where less idiotic and more dangerous people will continue in impunity. The internet is the last frontier of group psychology, and the denizens are very suspicious of lawmakers. There are many reasons for this, many of them despicable, but that's the way it is.

When I was a teenager cyber-bullying was nigh-impossible, because you could block people on MSN Messenger when they bothered you and few people were poser enough to use Myspace. The Digital Age was in its infancy: cameraphones were shitty and rare; cyber-bullying happened, but it wasn't a big deal because people lived offline. You simply weren't tethered and beholden to a 24/7, identity-bound life on the internet unless you were a nerd. Hints of a darker future were around, but those hints are in any past. Generally I bode my time until my personality had settled enough that I wasn't an insufferable shit, and then things started to look up. Towards the end of my tenure as a teenager high school was something that I had taken a positive leave from, and so distant it didn't always seem like a miserable prison anymore. In an even more distant past, as a veritable child, I logged into chats and started trouble for the hell of it on slow nights. Lots of us did, and following generations continued the tradition until...

Internet culture is filled with trolling. Often it is done with in a lighthearted spirit, and anyone who gets offended or falls for it is considered an idiot, ridiculed, and forgotten. 'Griefing', an online-game version of trolling, is almost a respectable pastime, and some 'griefs' have become legendary in their own right. Generally, when you see a troll on the internet, you are dealing with children, teenagers, or the mentally unfit. Sometimes they are amusing. Their antisocial stance would be interesting if it were self-aware and purposeful, but as a provocative measure it has few peers. Trolls are determined and capable of things many adults would balk at, such as trolling public facebook memorials about the recently deceased. Long story short: keep it private, or (I hate to be the one to say it) keep off the internet altogether because that shit is trashy, full stop.

User Coment Rodeo: Don't Listen to Facebook! Listen to YouTube.

Come on, YouTube.

You used to be a place where I could sensibly browse for videos. Now you offer me a few topics and "Recommended for You" shit. I loved when there were 15 pages of 'most viewed today' videos, and you didn't creep my video history to tell me what to watch. Every one-off video I watch when I'm logged in now means I get a bunch more recommended and have to go all over the place in search of something original.

Oh, for Me?

"Most viewed" is too archaic, apparently. I can only watch what you want. Sure, there used to be all kinds of segregated sections of videos, and lots of things were hard to find, and there was pretty much always a bunch of bullshit. You always hyped the worst things based on the metric of how popular they were. I didn't care. I knew there was always an unbiased list of worldwide views. People gamed that system all the time but it generally brought me joy and decent videos. There used to be a front page where unsorted videos could be browsed according to whether they were recently posted, most views, most liked, most subscriptions. Y'all remember that? That was awesome. There was a 50/50 chance, every day, of finding something new and either interesting or funny, or just completely strange – no searching, just actual, lazy, unguided browsing.

You still got the search bar. If you got rid of it you'd be Web 3.0, of course: the era in which all the internet, like a modern game, plays itself. You redesigned a bunch of times. I never saw the reason for it, but I'm not a capitalist so my opinion doesn't matter for shit. I realize people need money to make things 'better' and the internet is hugely profitable. But your reconstruction wasn't for the better. If I can't see ~100 of the day's most viewed videos then what's the point? You want me to play the game your way, but there's not that many channels worth subscribing to, no matter how many of them can waste my time more or less enjoyably.

It's not about me anymore, it's about You. I understand why I can't find any television show ever made anymore. That was never going to last. I just want to actually browse. I mean I want to see a large variety of things in one place arranged logically, not according to metaterms or what's trending or what you think I should watch. I used to be able to do this, to find new, unlisted, unhyped things every day, but now I feel blind. I get 'trending' instead of 'most viewed' and it's just plain frustrating that there's no way to arrange things logically anymore.

You're like a giant focus group now, YouTube. Except they're all yes-men and cronies, and they're crowding me into a small room, and there's no window, so all I smell is their terrible coffee breath, and all I hear is their terrible opinions about what's good, and it's dark, and I don't want to have Minecraft videos recommended to me. 2010 is over, YouTube.

Maybe I'm a bad internet browser. Maybe I get frustrated about nothing, and I just don't know how to navigate your many avenues properly, and you still offer a 'most views' section, and I'm just crazy for not getting to it. I hope that's the case, because then I'd have a reason to have a bit of faith in you, and it would have been me who was blind. Not you blinding me. I don't think I'm crazy. I think you changed for the lamest, like you've always been doing, and if this is the future of the internet then good luck with it. We both know I'm not the center of the universe, and playing some terrible algorithmic joke to make it seem so is unimpressive and creepy. I want options, and less of this Mickey Mouse horse shit.

I know that much of the internet wants to know every last thing about what I do so they can further reduce my purview and essentially control what I see, do, and buy. Nationalism online is already an old story.  I don't want or need that kind of reduced outlook, and their methods are increasingly obvious. The worst part is that I couldn't even put a date on YouTube's last upgrade, but essentially it was the day the videos died. At least there's still a search bar.

RIP BTJUNKIE

The biggest news of the day, perhaps even the week, in the context of the internet is that BT Junkie shut down. Sure, it was a torrent site, but it was one of the few non-private torrent sites that was reliable and somewhat trustworthy. Now there are even less options, and even higher odds of some kind of meta-torrent site that will infect all users with some unimaginable bot-net-rootkit abortion and destroy the free internet anyway, before infecting all unprotected (AKA disconnected) government/corporate computers.

These are just the wild observations and speculations of a heartbroken supporter. Doubtless, BTJunkie made the right decision and defended themselves against future legal action/apocalyptic lawyering. They had a great thing, and no doubt were in the crosshairs of the repressive new copyright monster, and I will miss using their handy, responsive, and resourceful site. Now the internet is a colder place, and the individual's freedom to steal things is impacted, possibly severely. Probably not, as this is the internet, and no amount of hyperbole will change the truth about it.

Meanwhile TPB is still in existence as, well what exactly? A zombie platform, mildly trustworthy and the final remaining high-profile, semi-legit torrent site. For those of us with entertainment appetites bigger than our wallets, we may have to go hungry for a while or pray that private solutions find and accept us.

Ultimately, for a daily surprise this is a pretty bad one. RIP BTJunkie – thanks for the good times, and for being one of the good guys while you could.

Fact Blackout Day

Fun fact: the internet is nebulous and strange and sometimes even in the space of a few hours it can change considerably. The use of the internet to distribute intellectual property freely, known colloquially as piracy, has attracted numerous smear campaigns, intimidation campaigns, and lobbying campaigns. Governments are full of boomers who don't know very much about the internet, so the lobbyists have an easy time because they represent moneyed interests and bellyache about the rampant theft of video, audio, and data property.

Today a number of internet entities, most notably Wikipedia, have opted to protest upcoming US legislation that vaguely confronts the threat of internet piracy, copyright infringement, and intellectual property theft. Full understanding of the legislation is available to nerds, lawyers, and people with too much time on their hands. So far as I can simplify it: another step down the road to internet nationalization, censorship, and the death of free information.

The anti-theft team is as powerful as the net-neutrality/free-internet movement is popular. Most people don't really care either way, as long as they can get to Facebook and/or email. Most people also don't really understand the internet, or care if it gets cut up into various national zones. Who in America wants to read a Finnish webcomic, or a Chilean blog? That's a waste of time. But Finns and Chileans want American entertainment, so it's best to cut the audiences away from each other and limit the odds of pirated material being available online.

In the past, powerful entertainment corporations have volleyed multimillion dollar lawsuits at 15 year old pirates, but that Napster-era policy is outdated because nobody liked it and there is no way a teenager is going to afford legal defense fees. The new approach is preventative and cautious and roughly as imperative as the old one, but instead of going after the users of the internet or even consulting them, it just pressures the gigantic blind beast known as national government into various overbearing measures that will change the internet for the worst.

Or so I am told. The internet is already somewhat nationalized, mildly censored, and it's so full of nonsense that even if 80% of it were deleted, banned, and forgotten, there would still be far too much of it to control or monitor. So the state of the internet is that all the bluster of the last decade regarding IP laws and censorship and nationalization is actually going to come to some kind of action. For my part I have serious doubts about the usefulness or fairness of the proposed measures, and I wish all opponents of a cut-up, abused internet a conclusive victory.

But the crowd is ignorant and the corporation is indignant. That is why awareness drives like today's are important, to ensure that any lies surrounding this sordid business are dispelled.

Hey MSN! Stop trying to compete with TMZ!

I know it's way stupid to always write about how stupid the internet is and how useless news is getting what with its stupid obsession with the rich, overexposed, and useless. Most of the time I visit real news sites intentionally and I read geo/envrio/legal/political/economic news with a smattering of art and culture stuff. I should be following all these things with beady eyes, but I can interpolate exactly how the world is doing during the three-month intervals where I burn out entirely on the idea of news. At times like this I pick up a little news from word-of-mouth or whatever I manage to scan on the internet.

So I check one of my many email accounts and there's that log-out page where MSN proves everyone right for ignoring it by pandering to whatever crowd who surf casually enough that they'll spend a half-hour reading about vapid 'news' stories and greasy gossip. Yeah, the species is in decline. But that's how the majority of human history is, so I'm not trying to be sensationalistic by saying that we're on a bit of a downward spiral. I mean globally, too. You can shit out your mouth about the West all day, but it's not the only place that's fucked, you dim-witted provincialist. But the West definitely deserves your vituperation.

Exhibit A:

 = unimportant
= trivial
= obvious, self-evident
= YouTube video


This is consumer news. These stories are all headline news. So, you know what? Fuck MSN. They obviously do not care: they've given up the fight entirely. They don't want to be relevant, competitive, or innovative. They could replace this tiny headline section with a Twitter feed and it'd be more interesting and newsworthy. Those dumb fucks.

In fact, they're mocking the very notion of headlines, which makes me angrier at them – they're trampling the newspaper when it's down with belittling meta-commentary like this. Let me consider how each of those four worthless stories may enrich a person's life:

"Will and Kate stun at lavish gala" : Obviously someone gave them a taser and then it was time for some plutocrat-on-plutocrat violence. People who read this story are likely to learn about things they will never properly experience. Fantasy escapism with a twist of a high-class sneer: "You really care about us, little people? Here, feed your imagination on our table scraps..."

"Miami Beach mayhem caught on video" : My original assessment was wrong. This will be the article that ends up being a link to YouTube and a small summary paragraph. The biggest part of the story is that someone was paid for the video and that someone was paid to write the article. Now I understand why the Huffington Post doesn't pay shit to her bloggers.

"Kid makes absolutely no sense" : This is impossible to anticipate. I'm not going back to see what the hell, but it's probably another stupid YouTube video. MSN makes absolutely no sense: if someone got paid for this shit work then all of America deserves its recession. Sorry, misery. You pieces of lazy fat shit should start farming in your spare time before Cargill takes over every last link in the food chain. The world used to love you.

"Incredibly Realistic Street Illusion" : Good to see MSN exporting work to Russian cyber-crime syndicates. Yes, I want to click that link, see a piece of shit of a video, and get a rootkit installed. Thanks MSN. You are exactly what you are, and if  Bill Gates had any way of looking down the hierarchy at this shit you're pulling, he'd give you a goddamn kick so hard. Or is this merely his way of taking away with the other hand?

YouTube Hates....

...any attempt at a serious erection. I'm not going to write a disclaimer. Let's get to this article. Do you like to laugh and cry uncontrollably when you masturbate? Are there not enough low points in your life? YouTube's got your back, son.

I've been lulled into watching a video playlist that has included incomprehensible low points of male fixation. By this I mean video game females, the unparalleled nadir of modern sexualization. There are enough points of contention for research, and if anything the inventiveness of cyber hussies is something... impressive. And I mean impressive in the way that any delusion, nurtured enough, becomes impressive - the sort of impressed where you feel happy to merely be an onlooker, but there's that knowledge that will never be erased from your mind or anybody else's.

In other words, if you spend enough time looking into the smut abyss... you will see lowest points. The nadirs. This is no byssus moment (internet high-five!) but this is the moment where you have to accept without going mad the fact that the human race is so goddamn weak and dissipated that lonely men don't drown themselves in alcohol and self-loathing and outrageous one-liners and hopeless chases or gun clubs anymore, and instead form constructive sexual fantasies including (but not limited to) inanimate objects, cartoon characters, animals, humans posing as animals, video game 'babes', stuffed animals, and probably at least four hundred other paraphilias. Leave it to YouTube to know what's up. Let's leave downright criminal things out of this and still be depressed. I feel I had to post this analysis. I know it'll be incoherent.

Now I was just looking casually for some smut, and the playlist started out innocently enough. French commercials for dreamcasts featuring models spraying water on each other. Brasilian butt-model videos, and generally just videos of very beautiful women in very artificial scenarios. Things involving real, paid, adults, nothing particularly schlocky except for a 'lesbian kiss' or two for the deluded, credulous homophobes with the stunted minds.

The video playlist goes downhill right around the time it uses models from the Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball. Beach Volleyball videos are only just being understood by scientists, and this sport is still being played by actual women, so it's not like anybody really needed a video game about it. Well that's Japan, right?

Reality check. Japan has several thousand words for 'uncanny depressing adolescent fantasy' and about three hundred for 'creepy pitiful fixation'. Japan knows the dice are loaded. Just ask the octopus and the fisherman's wife. Is it a parable? Is it prophetic? What.

I don't even care. It's too tragic. I'm sorry, Japan. Moving on, there are videos about teen models. So obviously the video playlist is depressing here, because, hey, immaturity. I'm not kidding myself, reader. This is an obscure blog post about what gets wanked to on about the last place a mature discerning adult human being would look for smut, and this blog post isn't even even half as depressing as the innocent video playlist it critiques. I'm not going to talk about the inherent sexism in all of the videos. Some of the videos actually celebra–

This entry in the field of depressingly amateur, terrible music, insane costume design, weird postures and facial expression smut is noteworthy, because it sees you and just laughs. Try to get hard to this? That one girl knows your dirty business and thinks you are lower than a worm. Look at her face – she isn't pretending to be overly serious, she just thinks you're a dork. Didn't you know YouTube hates you? It's got your back when you look for soft-core smut, but it is not playing the game seriously at all.

You better just find somebody, even if she's bigger than society tells you she should be, has bad skin and a shitty attitude and a decrepit materialist's soul. Then you learn your lessons from her and never, never allow yourself to fall this low again. You hear me? You work your way up. We can all be better, but you are making so many people feel better about themselves that you have to improve yourself before they feel any shame. Depressing man-children of the world, you have three years to get your shit together or nobody will ever take you seriously again.

First step. Do what the Italian woman in the video is telling you with her facial contortions to do, and delete your weak, tepid, depressing store of soft-core YouTube internet smut.

Here's a final link to the playlist, so you can witness the witless for yourself. Women, if you're going to watch this.... I know this rejoinder is weak, but you do some stupid god damn things too.