More Antidotal Screenshots

And I don't mean anecdotal. This screenshot is from Cracked.com's regular contributor Seanbaby - you can thank me later for half-heartedly advertising your show. News website, whatever. Comedy stuff – much appreciated. Things like summaries of world's greatest sieges should be advertised as widely as possible, in my opinion, and I'm sure you'd disagree or agree or whatever.

Whether you agree to disagree or disagree to agree, internet screenshots say more about the internet than, say, a blogger trying to display a palsied, myopic understanding of the www. You know the www I'm talking about. The www.

Insect Heaven and Other Works of Art

There is no single antidote to the effects of living in the world. Everybody knows this, more or less, except for the lucky few who make a total escape into alcohol. But they pay their own price, and are forced to encounter the ghosts of their drunkenness at some point. So you take to looking around for distractions. There are all kinds, of course, distraction being the main industry of the world since time immemorial – distraction being at fault for a majority of atrocity, and interestingly enough being quite a lucrative market.

But I'm going a bit off course. There's not much I can do about it, to be honest. This is how the blog slops when it's a sloppy blog, and, as Bukowski put it, "...the shit shits." That's how you know he was ultimately, whatever his failings, a masterful poet. It's almost too easy to think the age of the raconteur is over, much like the era of the troubadour or the psychopomp. Although I know that more or less all of those industries are alive and kicking, though in a variety of new circumstances and costumes.

I do enjoy comics, though. It's more or less a casual thing, and I was recently talking to a peer who told me that he thought the comic was in decline. And I don't mean stand-up comic, you commie. I mean comic illustration – even a comic book though I haven't held one in at least a decade (and that one was probably shitty) – as in the type mostly found in the newspapers. You got Doonesbury and all kinds of excellent shit and there's also the somewhat weaker efforts that appear and you deal with it, because usually there's one or two good comics. My peer told me the newspaper associated comic was in decline because of readership loss and all that. And I told him there was even a small chance he was right, but that comics would do just fine on the internet.

Or if not 'just fine' something like 'surviving in a vivacious marketplace, nonetheless'. Look around at the minimum of one thousand webcomics. Dozens of them at any time have at least ten thousand followers. One of my favorite comics is Bizarro, which I used to read in the newspapers and now follow on line. Bizarro is a great and sometimes most excellent comic, not afraid of controversy and politically extremist – the perfect antidote to such sentimental nostrums, bromides, or distractions as Family Circus, or... For Better or Worse and I don't know, I stopped reading newspaper comics seriously years ago and now it's just a wasteland of inoffensive, reflexive pablum and reactionary nonsense, 'random' zany hijinks or dying comics you used to like.

There was great comic about Insect Heaven, and that kind of thing is exactly the sort of healthy distraction from the world that a comic is supposed to be. Instead of obeying a narrative, this is a sort of non sequituresque business with an excellent track-record of amusing, funny comics. Plus the author recently posted something about disconnecting from the 24/7 news cycle and kicking it on your own terms, which is an opinion I can assent to being broadcast via the internet, to anyone who cares to listen. In fact it should be announced from loudspeakers like all other truth, but that's another matter entirely, which only the government knows to solve.

Screenshot from the Internet!

I heard a story the other day, told by a TV newscaster, about confused animals forming an indie rock band in Sandusky, Ohio.  I thought that it was about time animals found a new way to shit on us, and since none of the band members are insects, I'm happy. Mammals all the way or avians.(I say this with love since a fungus, virus or insect is most likely going to make the long run).

The internet is impossible to write about, but as soon as you use a bit of creative thinking and take a screenshot, you can explain almost everything:

There you have it : possibly the most advanced composite image of the internet, made for approximately one hundredth of a damn.

Music News Misinformation

The band And Ballsweat was asssassinated by Spanish agents in 1974, during a concert/shootout in Le Havre. Their first album "The Future is Fucked" is a collector's album, and because of its limited run of 500 copies is a coveted collector's item. Copies of the LP, with its distinctive cover art, have been known to sell for more than a thousand dollars.

Despite their relative obscurity, the band is credited with inspiring the genres of electroclash, post-hardcore, and white funk. The last single released before the band's untimely death was a protest song entitled "Winners and Losers", highly critical of the current regime there, although it was written as a parable about the history of the Canary islands. Nevertheless, despite the band's relative craftiness and cryptic lyrics, their brief popularity in Europe made them the targets of nationalist forces

It didn't help that they advocated revolutionary behaviour, which is naive but offensive to most people. Their high-energy shows were legendary, and led to several fires, brawls, and a mild riot in a Frankfurt sidestreet. Their concern with Spain, despite its results, is still considered to have been a superficial one.

In these soft decades it is easy to imagine that protest music is all American, hippy stuff about nature, or middle-class comfortable angst songs about the evil of large corporations, unjust wars, or economies of scale. Some of the best of this class of music is obscure and unknown and inaccessible and the subject of convoluted music scholarism or hipster cred display.

The Unboxing Mentality

On Youtube there's probably thousands of unboxing videos by now. Probably hundreds of thousands, in addition to PR advertisements and/or advertainment projects that get posted up. Remember the post-classic era of YouTube when these things started to happen with regularity? The products became rather professional and even mildly interesting, generating a lot of baseless enthusiasm for various products.

One of the earliest and most viral types of YouTube marketing was the "Will It Blend?" series, which clusterfucked all kinds of product placements and madness into one video every few days. In a way the series was a metaphor for itself.  People jumped onto these videos because they were more exciting than Lonelygirl15 and easier to find than interesting, creative, niche videos. I don't know if Blendtec sold a lot of blenders on the strength of this noteworthy advertising campaign, since it made everyone think that even food blended in the machine would turn into poisonous dust, but they sure got a lot of attention.

But I'm talking about the olden days of YouTube. These things all happened years ago. People actually got angry that Lonelygirl15 deceived them about being a real vlogger. For a while you'd see all kinds of angry comments about whether or not it was really a lone girl posting those videos. Most people came to their own conclusions, and in the end they turned it into a 'meh' series of shorts. This series didn't advertise for much except the performers in it.

However, the two corporate creations mentioned above gave some PR or adman the idea that you didn't have to create a persona to sell products and advertise on YouTube. Blendtec was too silly, Lonelygirl15 didn't really sell anything but belief that vlogging was worth anybody's damn – and the jury is still out about that. The solution is brilliant: just go to a real person who wants to get hits, give them an exclusive product to vlog about, and have them sell it for you.

Youtube's Movie Section Back Online

I was on YouTube today, more or less wasting time, when I discovered the movie section was back online. They took it down a number of months ago, and I was wondering where it went. Have no fear: Slacker is still available. Many of you no doubt remember using the movie section during periods of extreme boredom and lassitude, and its return is both a blessing and a curse. First: lots of the movies are of middling quality and may not hold your interest. You may have to force yourself to watch some of the movies in their entirety. This is alright if you consider watching bad movies a type of humorous sport, but if you have limited time, no sense of humor, or are otherwise a tight-assed nincompoop, it's best to stay away from the YouTube movie section unless your beloved critics give you the 'Okay'. Or, you know what? Just drive to the movieplex and spare your bandwidth.

But everyone knows that the best deals on YouTube are the movies you'd otherwise have to buy. That's right. Pirated movies on YouTube. Recently I watched Dune, and I'd like to post about the experience, since I've already delivered the news in a concise, informative, yet irreverent manner.

Redaction!

Look the word up if you're puzzled, I've no time to spare because it's Mother's Day. I'd like to post up some quick last minute gift ideas but I have to redact some of my claims in the previous post. You see, the Cursed Treasure Level Pack is actually easier than the original game. I've gotten as close to 100%ing the game as I feel is necessary, and though it can be a bit tricky, it is rather quite a breeze of a game if you just want to finish all the action-packed levels. I don't know why they didn't just release a map editor so fans of the game could release their own map packs. That would tide us over until they either improve the game in a sequel or ruin it entirely in a sequel.

Now Mother's Day is a tough gifting occasion. Almost everything people tell you to buy your mother she does not want (unless she is frivolous, but then again she did birth you), will find useless, or will pretend to like to spare your massively fragile, self-involved ego.

Flowers? This is spring-time. Flowers grow anywhere, so the only way to make a legitimate gift of flowers is to pick them wild over a large amount of territory. I don't mean strip all the flowers down and show up with a smelly, insect-infested bushel of decorative weeds: I mean one of each kind of flower. If you buy flowers on this day I don't want to talk to you and I don't want to hear your mother's sorrowful tale about her kid that drives a BMW but can't even express gratitude or reverence or honour. What's this day about, again?

Chocolate? You're the worst kind of person. All I'll say is it better be so pure your mom gets a buzz off it.

Cars? Overstatement. Also: husbands, this is not a day to worship your wives, dumb fucks. This is the day you are technically allowed to  become a bachelor son again, since your wife becomes 50% mother to her children and 50% child of her mother. Understand that? You buy a wife a car; you buy your mother something worth a goddamn and not so showy. There's a recession on!

Books? This is tricky, because your mother might come from a time or culture where illiteracy was not shameful or hidden. That best-seller might open a can of worms you can't deal with – or it'll bring your family together in a surprising way. When in doubt, DH Lawrence is the official patron saint of Mother's Day, and if you're a real jack ass and buying a poetry book, you better make sure the poetess you blindly purchase is up to snuff. Because your mother will either spare your feelings or laugh at you, but she will never read more than two or three verses.

I'd recommend drugs, but nobody wants to trip with their parents. I'd recommend booze, but come on. I'd recommend watching Psycho with your mother but that's a bit overdone (still recommend it actually). Comedy DVDs are probably a safe bet. Tobacco is not. You can't repay a life debt easily, but if you have a good idea I'd say go with it. The best gifts on a day like this are related to keeping the day simple, happy, and uncomplicated by consumerist posturing, unintentional feminist grandstanding, or family blow-outs. Have fun! 

Internet Drifter Game City 2000X

Lately with a big news cycle developing, and me without any meaningful perspective, I've been forced to retreat out of the world. Even the world of blogging is too strenuous. There is no logic in any of it and so I've fallen back on the old habit of online gaming. And I mean capitol 'O' online gaming.

Haven't found much good lately, but since this past Thursday I've been playing the new Cursed Treasure map pack, which has been alright. Something has to distract a person, yet I can't honestly say I'm impressed by anything new that was brought out, but it's still a testament to the game's strengths that I find this aptly-titled map pack worth playing. And what a surprise! I was almost ready to imagine that series was dead. But it's only undead. Thank. Damn.

Still there's a major sense of deja vu to contend with – and also a few tricky maps in the vein of the original. This is great for the power gamers who managed to get all "Brilliant" ratings in the old game, but for those of us who could not defeat the dreaded level 3 ninja, this expansion promises nothing but shame and heartbreak. You've been warned.

Final Stretch Blues

Political bookies have not budged from their original odds. Despite various news articles and voter polling and other dirty chicanery, the conclusion of the great national game of elect-the-PM is not in doubt. The Opposition shift was the wild card, nobody had pools on that. My smug bets on Political Maverick Jack Layton and the NDP are withering before my eyes. I don't answer the phone anymore, and there doesn't seem to be anything to believe.

The final stretch of the federal election has seen various desperate acts. Liberals, formerly quite comfortable about being the Opposition's prime spokespeople, have made certain panicked attempts at stemming the NDP flood. That flood, incidentally, might still just have been a PR break backed by ineffable poll numbers and a questionably realistic spirit of change. Similarly, the Conservatives have gunned for the NDP and have recently pulled a final smear tactic that may sway voters who are willing to believe allegations AKA everybody who was going to vote Conservative or Liberal anyway.

But the thing about politics is that even when other parties begin to panic, and the slander is thrown around, there's still no clear picture about anything. It's nice that Harper and Ignatieff are sweating, but where will the new competitive spirit lead? More sameness? Independent actors can 'reveal events' that bring campaigns, burning, to the ground. My expectation? Harper is the obvious forerunner, but Layton has had the optics from day one – still there was an insistence on Liberal/NDP backbiting. Ignatieff seems to have held on to everyone who was a Liberal before the election. In a sense it doesn't seem like anything will change, which makes all the hullabaloo rather ironic.

There is the HST question, the deficit, Family Subsidies, and the global image of Canada to worry about – among other things that are downplayed in favor of 'optics'. Well we can't just forget the G20, which managed to alarm only Canadians while the rest of the world snickered, and in view of what happened in 2011 so far, was mostly a costly and pathetic spectacle. Who can we blame for that? Is it even important to ask that question?

Mostly I'm surprised that, all things considered, the only thing that has really changed since March is the weather. If anybody was crazy enough to attempt to transcribe the whole 2011 Federal Election into music, it would be a set of absurd repetitious notes – a monotonous cacophony. Morse code. SOS. Things destabilize. When the static finally clears, the television screen blazes proudly with blue light and a reassuring message, "Canada, we are here for you."