I sincerely doubt I'll be posting anything until 2011, so here is a list of predictions about 2011:
1. US political drama will continue to exceed all forecasted expectations.
2. Terrible storms will wreak more havoc on very specific shorelines.
3. North Korea will secretly retract into China without anyone's permission. China will withhold dumplings.
4. At least one person will be on a toilet at 23:59 on December 31st, 2010.
4.1 - Anyone who passes out before 00:01 on January 2011 will be left in 2010 forever.*
(*Babies, small children, and narcoleptics are exempt)
5. All television shows will be in 3D in 2011. Anyone without a pair of special $200 glasses will be unable to watch anything.
6. Lists will be forbidden in 2011 by decree of Vladimir Putin, which is why I'm making my fist list article.
7. By mid-2011, even Mongolian sheep-herders will get sick of Auto-Tune.
8. Salmon will go extinct, most birds will grow a third wing, and all bears will crossbreed with sharks. This is all due to Global Warming and might lead to the extinction of humankind.
9. Someone's grandmother will discover Twitter.
10. All television programs which have titles beginning with "C" will be canceled.
That's all the nonsense I could think up on short notice, I'll be free of the internet for the next two weeks impersonating socially healthy people and getting drunk. If I get stuck in 2010 you will know by next September, because I'll be reposting old material. Goodbye, dear audience consisting almost entirely of web-crawling search-index bots, and a happy New Year to you.
12/18/10
12/17/10
Another Cool Thing from 2010
Most of the time I look at all the gadgetry for sale around the world and I remain unimpressed. Wireless, touch screen, 4G, Macintosh – none of these keywords really hook me. YouTube is filled with videos of possibly real people telling me how cool Kinect is or why I should get a better phone or how excited I should be about the endless possibilities of the not-so-modern obsession with gadgets. People actually make videos of themselves unpacking the completely superfluous things they buy, the neuroticism of which I'll get into in a later blog post.
I'm sure an iPhone is useful, but nationalism decrees that I should buy a Blackberry. I myself think, of course, that a Samsung cellphone with no special features is good enough for me. It even flips open, the battery life is a dream, and it can take a picture if I make it. However, I have a camera to take pictures, and a computer to waste my time on, so I don't need to focus on how many games are available for my cellphone, how sensitive the onboard camera is, or how fast it connects to the internet.
The only cool thing I've been informed about is the critically underhyped Logitech K750, the world's first (so far as I know) solar-powered wireless keyboard. Let me make an ignorant statement: wireless peripherals do not impress me. Wires are a small price to pay for not having to buy batteries or deal with delayed input. Most of the time the hassles of wires are just replaced by other, high-frequency hassles that I do not even like to think about. Wires were good enough for me...
...until I heard about a solar powered keyboard. The thing looks like a dream, and is the only gadget I've been excited about or thought about buying. It seems like Logitech, who have always been making quality peripherals, are actually interested in limiting the amount of hassles their products create. I haven't bought a single new peripheral in years. My current keyboard is indestructible: I've spilled wine, beer, and other things on it and it works like new. It's just loud, kind of clunky, and has a wire and doesn't work off solar power.
Reality check: my optical mouse is from some no-name brand and has put more costly mice to shame in online games frequented by professionals. It is also indestructible. I have tried to crush it when the world of computers has frustrated me, and it has survived falls, tumbles, tosses, flips, and jumps as if it is a skateboarder. Because my peripherals haven't failed me, I haven't ever had to look for new ones, but that K750 seems so cool, so useful, that it should almost be standard for new gadgets to have such features.
I can face the facts: keyboards are not interesting. That is true, but they are necessary and it helps if they can be moved around a lot. For a writer, a good keyboard is indispensable - and while all keyboards are dependable because of their simplicity, never before has anyone made a wireless keyboard that could be indefinitely useful and actually make more sense than a comparable wired unit. I guess if you hate the sun, nature, and Logitech, the new 'eco-friendly' keyboard won't matter to you, but I intend on getting one as soon as they're available in my ass-backwards country.
I'm sure an iPhone is useful, but nationalism decrees that I should buy a Blackberry. I myself think, of course, that a Samsung cellphone with no special features is good enough for me. It even flips open, the battery life is a dream, and it can take a picture if I make it. However, I have a camera to take pictures, and a computer to waste my time on, so I don't need to focus on how many games are available for my cellphone, how sensitive the onboard camera is, or how fast it connects to the internet.
The only cool thing I've been informed about is the critically underhyped Logitech K750, the world's first (so far as I know) solar-powered wireless keyboard. Let me make an ignorant statement: wireless peripherals do not impress me. Wires are a small price to pay for not having to buy batteries or deal with delayed input. Most of the time the hassles of wires are just replaced by other, high-frequency hassles that I do not even like to think about. Wires were good enough for me...
...until I heard about a solar powered keyboard. The thing looks like a dream, and is the only gadget I've been excited about or thought about buying. It seems like Logitech, who have always been making quality peripherals, are actually interested in limiting the amount of hassles their products create. I haven't bought a single new peripheral in years. My current keyboard is indestructible: I've spilled wine, beer, and other things on it and it works like new. It's just loud, kind of clunky, and has a wire and doesn't work off solar power.
Reality check: my optical mouse is from some no-name brand and has put more costly mice to shame in online games frequented by professionals. It is also indestructible. I have tried to crush it when the world of computers has frustrated me, and it has survived falls, tumbles, tosses, flips, and jumps as if it is a skateboarder. Because my peripherals haven't failed me, I haven't ever had to look for new ones, but that K750 seems so cool, so useful, that it should almost be standard for new gadgets to have such features.
I can face the facts: keyboards are not interesting. That is true, but they are necessary and it helps if they can be moved around a lot. For a writer, a good keyboard is indispensable - and while all keyboards are dependable because of their simplicity, never before has anyone made a wireless keyboard that could be indefinitely useful and actually make more sense than a comparable wired unit. I guess if you hate the sun, nature, and Logitech, the new 'eco-friendly' keyboard won't matter to you, but I intend on getting one as soon as they're available in my ass-backwards country.
12/13/10
2010 Retrospective, pt..2 : Cartoons
I admit that I no longer watch cartoons as happily as when I was 10 and the Simpsons were on TV after school and were all I really needed to make the day worthwhile. Nowadays the Simpsons are... well it's like Marge says in the Movie, "Actually it's [Homer's wildness] aged me horribly". Now, of course, I'm probably paraphrasing and definitely quoting out of context; the show hasn't really aged that much. Banksy recently did the intro to an episode, so you know it's hip as can be, but the humor of the show has aged.
Nobody knows when this happened. Drawn Together had that scene where Homer can be seen sleeping under a bridge. It's not worth noting that Drawn Together is part of a newer 'wilder' generation of comics which judge society in a different way, and Drawn Together is past its own best-before date anyway. The Simpsons are now suffering from a chronic case of ADHD, and no episode really focuses on anything anymore. There are no awesome tricks from Bart (like the episode where he lines up the bullhorns in the police department and blows up all the windows in Springfield) and the story arc usually rests heavily on a gimmick or celebrity. Matt Groening was replaced by a robot, and now pens those rabbit comics again in peace. Is it just me, or is he the George Lucas of animation?
I don't want to be brutal, but Family Guy has had the trajectory of a second-rate Evel Knievel on a bike over a cliff. It began above the quotidian and then fell right into it and now plummets in free-fall. People still quote Family Guy spinelessly, but have there really been any significant events since Stewie killed his mother in that one episode? After the show came back from being canceled, the creators decided to make it a bit prettier and called it a day, thinking their list of acceptable jokes would last through the third season.
South Park is still a sort of a thing and hasn't suffered from the same type of creative sloth as the Simpsons, though some people say it's lost whatever charm it had. I'm not a hundred percent sure about this, but I think part of the fan base just grew up and decided that acting like teenagers acting like children isn't really a healthy thing for an adult to do. You can only be Cartman-style offensive for about a year (if you're not over 21) or a month (if you are) without permanently damaging your reputation.
This very long, selective overview of the modern world of animation brings me to a show that is actually new, and actually funny, and if you can believe it, airs on the Comedy Network. Critics have said all kinds of blind things about Ugly Americans, probably because the show isn't paying people to gush about it. Until now.
Ugly Americans is funny because the main character lives with a zombie, dates a demon, and works with a wizard. It even sounds good when I write it down. You can understand that in a cartoon world like that, the potential for ridiculous situations loosely based on 'real-life' scenarios is almost infinite. Racism = vampires, sexual angst = tree sex, paternal angst = demon baby, koala = cute but doomed, PMS = demon PMS, and so on.
I've actually laughed while watching this show. I've been impressed by the faux-subtlety of certain of its metaphors, its sometimes purely visual humor, the fact that a world with floating brains, bird-men, crawling hands and zombies would annoy me if it was handled poorly. The gore, people, the pure joy of gore in a cartoon is something you must experience. I'm of the old school where if a thing purports to be comedic and makes me laugh I consider it a success, and Ugly Americans is the only show I've seen in 2010 that has achieved this kind of ... this kind of... this level of raw humor and quality.
Nobody knows when this happened. Drawn Together had that scene where Homer can be seen sleeping under a bridge. It's not worth noting that Drawn Together is part of a newer 'wilder' generation of comics which judge society in a different way, and Drawn Together is past its own best-before date anyway. The Simpsons are now suffering from a chronic case of ADHD, and no episode really focuses on anything anymore. There are no awesome tricks from Bart (like the episode where he lines up the bullhorns in the police department and blows up all the windows in Springfield) and the story arc usually rests heavily on a gimmick or celebrity. Matt Groening was replaced by a robot, and now pens those rabbit comics again in peace. Is it just me, or is he the George Lucas of animation?
I don't want to be brutal, but Family Guy has had the trajectory of a second-rate Evel Knievel on a bike over a cliff. It began above the quotidian and then fell right into it and now plummets in free-fall. People still quote Family Guy spinelessly, but have there really been any significant events since Stewie killed his mother in that one episode? After the show came back from being canceled, the creators decided to make it a bit prettier and called it a day, thinking their list of acceptable jokes would last through the third season.
South Park is still a sort of a thing and hasn't suffered from the same type of creative sloth as the Simpsons, though some people say it's lost whatever charm it had. I'm not a hundred percent sure about this, but I think part of the fan base just grew up and decided that acting like teenagers acting like children isn't really a healthy thing for an adult to do. You can only be Cartman-style offensive for about a year (if you're not over 21) or a month (if you are) without permanently damaging your reputation.
This very long, selective overview of the modern world of animation brings me to a show that is actually new, and actually funny, and if you can believe it, airs on the Comedy Network. Critics have said all kinds of blind things about Ugly Americans, probably because the show isn't paying people to gush about it. Until now.
Ugly Americans is funny because the main character lives with a zombie, dates a demon, and works with a wizard. It even sounds good when I write it down. You can understand that in a cartoon world like that, the potential for ridiculous situations loosely based on 'real-life' scenarios is almost infinite. Racism = vampires, sexual angst = tree sex, paternal angst = demon baby, koala = cute but doomed, PMS = demon PMS, and so on.
I've actually laughed while watching this show. I've been impressed by the faux-subtlety of certain of its metaphors, its sometimes purely visual humor, the fact that a world with floating brains, bird-men, crawling hands and zombies would annoy me if it was handled poorly. The gore, people, the pure joy of gore in a cartoon is something you must experience. I'm of the old school where if a thing purports to be comedic and makes me laugh I consider it a success, and Ugly Americans is the only show I've seen in 2010 that has achieved this kind of ... this kind of... this level of raw humor and quality.
12/11/10
2010 Retrospective, pt. 1: Seanbaby vs. The Internet
I've been thinking, now that it's December and I don't know if I'll even attempt to travel for the season, that I might as well think back on the year that has almost passed, and bring up some of my favorite moments, or outstanding creations, people, or anything you can stick a noun to that have actually impressed me, and not just the talking heads who make trends and kings.
Most of the time when I read things on the internet I think, "Shit, even I could do better than this." and it really makes me a bit sorrowful to know that someone got paid to write something so flat and unconvincing. Granted, a lot of the time I look back on things I've written and think similar things, except that I know nobody else will write about them. When I read good things on the internet I take note, because I'm A) trying desperately not to be ignorant, and B) not afraid of becoming an hack. Grammar before assonance, folks.
For years now there has been one internet comedy writer who has not changed his approach, his perspective, his looks, or his medium – and we should all give him a television series so that he breaks down and turns into an unfunny hack. This man is responsible for more than 33 percent of the internet's funny quotient. YouTube is afraid of him, toys inexplicably melt and explode when he approaches, and whenever he posts on cracked.com hundreds of people tell him that he is right, his lines are infinitely quotable, and "Good Work!". He will be the first president of America to disarm opponents with snappy one liners and irrefutable logic instead of multilateral embargoes and cooperation.
As far as internet comedy writer metaphors go, most writers are a bunch of kindergarteners, and Seanbaby gets held back in K every year, because the administration doesn't know what do with him, and he keeps making better jokes to kill the time, because nobody around him even understands how to be consistently funny or what consistent even means. If you compare how long he has been funny (since the days of Old Man Murray, which is something knowable only to actual nerds) to how long he has been writing on the internet, you realize that he is the veteran of internet comedy writing, and either his approach was always good or he buried all of his failed attempts in the 90's as if they were Atari cartridges in the 80's.
For a long time ('04-'10) I didn't even know that Cracked.com existed, but a friend recently told me that Seanbaby was writing there, and I took a few hours off to read everything they had. I laughed, on average, twice an article. And I don't mean half-assed laughing: no chuckling, but the stuff you feel in your abdomen. Since then I've been reading Cracked.com mostly for Seanbaby's articles, and you can do the comparison yourself. I mean no disrespect but almost everyone who is trying to be outright funny on the internet looks like a shoddy '80's joke told by a teenager compared to Seanbaby.
Description fails me, but I encourage you to look up one of the only funny people on the internet. I try to be amusing, but I understand that I am as dry as sawdust, and dumb, and don't use interesting photos or graphical elements. I don't do those things out of respect to Seanbaby, because I'd have to follow his lead and risk his displeasure.
Most of the time when I read things on the internet I think, "Shit, even I could do better than this." and it really makes me a bit sorrowful to know that someone got paid to write something so flat and unconvincing. Granted, a lot of the time I look back on things I've written and think similar things, except that I know nobody else will write about them. When I read good things on the internet I take note, because I'm A) trying desperately not to be ignorant, and B) not afraid of becoming an hack. Grammar before assonance, folks.
For years now there has been one internet comedy writer who has not changed his approach, his perspective, his looks, or his medium – and we should all give him a television series so that he breaks down and turns into an unfunny hack. This man is responsible for more than 33 percent of the internet's funny quotient. YouTube is afraid of him, toys inexplicably melt and explode when he approaches, and whenever he posts on cracked.com hundreds of people tell him that he is right, his lines are infinitely quotable, and "Good Work!". He will be the first president of America to disarm opponents with snappy one liners and irrefutable logic instead of multilateral embargoes and cooperation.
As far as internet comedy writer metaphors go, most writers are a bunch of kindergarteners, and Seanbaby gets held back in K every year, because the administration doesn't know what do with him, and he keeps making better jokes to kill the time, because nobody around him even understands how to be consistently funny or what consistent even means. If you compare how long he has been funny (since the days of Old Man Murray, which is something knowable only to actual nerds) to how long he has been writing on the internet, you realize that he is the veteran of internet comedy writing, and either his approach was always good or he buried all of his failed attempts in the 90's as if they were Atari cartridges in the 80's.
For a long time ('04-'10) I didn't even know that Cracked.com existed, but a friend recently told me that Seanbaby was writing there, and I took a few hours off to read everything they had. I laughed, on average, twice an article. And I don't mean half-assed laughing: no chuckling, but the stuff you feel in your abdomen. Since then I've been reading Cracked.com mostly for Seanbaby's articles, and you can do the comparison yourself. I mean no disrespect but almost everyone who is trying to be outright funny on the internet looks like a shoddy '80's joke told by a teenager compared to Seanbaby.
Description fails me, but I encourage you to look up one of the only funny people on the internet. I try to be amusing, but I understand that I am as dry as sawdust, and dumb, and don't use interesting photos or graphical elements. I don't do those things out of respect to Seanbaby, because I'd have to follow his lead and risk his displeasure.
Conan Attacks the Youth, DC Comics
I had to laugh at the Thursday episode when I caught it on the web just now. Somebody points at Conan and he points back, then a whole row of audience members point back, and it begins a thing. Leno does the high-five thing and contributes the flu, everyone claps, but Conan O'Brien consistently involves the audience some types of chicanery. Not all types of chicanery, of course.
Then Conan actually, if you'll believe this, told a member to point at the stage for the entire show. I don't know if it's just me, but when Conan said "That's what's wrong with your generation." I laughed but moreover, was deeply offended. Nobody can hold up their arms that long... it's discouraging to see him promoting this kind of angst just about finger pointing.
The entire DC Comics segment was great. The criticism of various lame superheroes and Conan even made the artist laugh. Or payed him to laugh. Either way, the criticism part made laugh heartily, though it was as heartless as his assault on the youth during the opening. Sarah Silverman is the kind of guest who is bound to act funny and kind of steal the show, and Michio Kaku is the intellectual twist and obligatory science guest. Sounds like a good Thursday night to me, except, well, the e-show delay. It's still good a day later.
Obligatory science guests, in this case speaking about sacred quests. Bit of rhyming. Really a good guest though, you really don't hear enough about Unified Field theory these days.
EDIT: If you look right now (Sat, ~4 AM EST) on the film & animation section on YouTube you can see a large amount of trailers posted for the new Transformers movie, and to be honest the number is not what you'd expect after Transformers 2. This fan enthusiasm has to be synthetic as the robot monster it has become.
Then Conan actually, if you'll believe this, told a member to point at the stage for the entire show. I don't know if it's just me, but when Conan said "That's what's wrong with your generation." I laughed but moreover, was deeply offended. Nobody can hold up their arms that long... it's discouraging to see him promoting this kind of angst just about finger pointing.
The entire DC Comics segment was great. The criticism of various lame superheroes and Conan even made the artist laugh. Or payed him to laugh. Either way, the criticism part made laugh heartily, though it was as heartless as his assault on the youth during the opening. Sarah Silverman is the kind of guest who is bound to act funny and kind of steal the show, and Michio Kaku is the intellectual twist and obligatory science guest. Sounds like a good Thursday night to me, except, well, the e-show delay. It's still good a day later.
Obligatory science guests, in this case speaking about sacred quests. Bit of rhyming. Really a good guest though, you really don't hear enough about Unified Field theory these days.
EDIT: If you look right now (Sat, ~4 AM EST) on the film & animation section on YouTube you can see a large amount of trailers posted for the new Transformers movie, and to be honest the number is not what you'd expect after Transformers 2. This fan enthusiasm has to be synthetic as the robot monster it has become.
12/10/10
Christmastime and Other Stories
No I am not releasing a volume of existential/seasonal short fiction. That danger has passed. Though it does seem to me that every year Christmastime starts earlier, or maybe that's just my imagination or relative youth. I don't have too many years to really extrapolate anything from, but my hypothesis is that, since the 50's, Christmastime has begun to begin earlier. What this means for the planet is anybody's guess.
I don't really think that heavy visualization and especially musical cues are necessary until mid-December. If I was to de-Grinch a bit, I would say December 10. I really think we should leave Halloween decorations up longer and just take a little time out of this Christmas thing, that's going on. Somebody has to reign in these Christmas Lobbyists. They're taking over.
I think sometimes that all the early emphasis burns me out when the December upswing begins. This is probably a yearly thing now that is unconscious, subliminal like seasonal affective disorder - but more mysterious. Infinitely better looking on an application. "Doctor, we're dealing with record amounts of Christmastimeosis. We don't have the spearmint antibiotics to deal with this!" ; "You fool! Just give them disability and get them out of here, we don't need a damn epidemic!"
The bottom line is that anyone who was not heeding the cues about Christmas creep got their late shopping vote-banned by the supporters of... well I'll not even mention him. Still, I mean if a five-year old misses their X-Box with Kinect, somebody has to be held responsible. Julian Assange is who should be called on Dec. 26th for forcing internet power users to go to a brick-and-mortar store. Give him time, though. No doubt this will be added to the growing list of offenses which, I am told, includes geomancy.
I guess they'll add several Days of Christmas in the next 50 years. Maybe it'll be good for us and not just a cynical economic tweak. Maybe aliens will steal Christmas (I already have the script, Michael Bay, and you'll have to get in line for it) and hide it on the moon. They'll get our extra days but we will have just enough time to assemble a rag-tag task force of curmudgeonly misfits. You know who will emerge victorious, with extra Days of Christmas into the bargain.
I don't really think that heavy visualization and especially musical cues are necessary until mid-December. If I was to de-Grinch a bit, I would say December 10. I really think we should leave Halloween decorations up longer and just take a little time out of this Christmas thing, that's going on. Somebody has to reign in these Christmas Lobbyists. They're taking over.
I think sometimes that all the early emphasis burns me out when the December upswing begins. This is probably a yearly thing now that is unconscious, subliminal like seasonal affective disorder - but more mysterious. Infinitely better looking on an application. "Doctor, we're dealing with record amounts of Christmastimeosis. We don't have the spearmint antibiotics to deal with this!" ; "You fool! Just give them disability and get them out of here, we don't need a damn epidemic!"
The bottom line is that anyone who was not heeding the cues about Christmas creep got their late shopping vote-banned by the supporters of... well I'll not even mention him. Still, I mean if a five-year old misses their X-Box with Kinect, somebody has to be held responsible. Julian Assange is who should be called on Dec. 26th for forcing internet power users to go to a brick-and-mortar store. Give him time, though. No doubt this will be added to the growing list of offenses which, I am told, includes geomancy.
I guess they'll add several Days of Christmas in the next 50 years. Maybe it'll be good for us and not just a cynical economic tweak. Maybe aliens will steal Christmas (I already have the script, Michael Bay, and you'll have to get in line for it) and hide it on the moon. They'll get our extra days but we will have just enough time to assemble a rag-tag task force of curmudgeonly misfits. You know who will emerge victorious, with extra Days of Christmas into the bargain.
12/8/10
"The Best Years"
This might just be a sensitivity on my part, as an 'underemployed' and/or 'out of work' young man, but there is no overused term that puzzles me as much as when somebody (usually almost always on TV) refers to 'the best years of your life.' Yeah. Those years.
Sometimes, it is true, the person referring to their best years has been abused, or incarcerated, or somehow put in a position where they have possibly missed the best years of their life due to limited or withheld freedom or outside interference of another sort. But, if you rob a bank, you might be able to get a best day out of it before someone traces the money, at least. The jail time is just shit icing on your overpriced cake, and maybe you'll learn a lesson so, by the time you get out, you'll be wise enough to actually appreciate those 'best years' you almost threw away.
What's worst about anyone referring to 'best years' is it's usually referring to the years between 19 and 29. I don't know what happens to numbskulls between 29 and 30 that makes them incapable of appreciating life or even having a 'best year' after the hallowed twenty-something phase of human development, which is typically the largest chunk of a human biology textbook, is elapsed.
For comparison, the TV show Friends was notably less enjoyable than Seinfeld, and the latter show as about older people who were, arguably, less cool than Chandler and company. This was an important lesson, from an otherwise untrustworthy medium, about things getting funnier the older and more pathetic you get. You used to have to go to Shakespeare for these kinds of lessons.
I did a search about 'best years', and the internet search I did confirmed my worst fears, except that they are even more ageist than I thought. Today's "best years" are the teenage years, which makes sense, because when I was a teenager I had two shows convincing me that the best years were in later life, and if nothing else the unknown-but-ruling forces of the world prey on making you think you lost your best years but can buy them back. I could cry when I remember that I actually believe in safety scissors or adult supervision. I don't even think a two-year heroin binge could deaden the knowledge I've fought for and won, like that there is a shadowy consortium built around the idea of 'best years'.
If nothing else, the concept of 'best years' makes people in various parts of their lives more liable to circle the wagons, more liable to be tricked into being content with what they have. Not that it's wrong to be satisfied with your life, but it's too easy sometimes. Even if it is not true that life continually gets better, like aged cheese or well-cellared wine, it's probably healthier to always keep pushing those best years ahead of you, no matter how persuasive the shallow arguments that your sexual peak was a decade ago, or that people who got published at 16 are better writers than you, or that older people can hold their alcohol better and know how to smoke a fine cigar. We live in a society where fruit is plucked from the branches before it is ripe, and where pumped ethylene gas replaces a few extra days in the sun...
...I actually forgot where I was going with that. The real points I wanted to make are lost in the past. Things were better then. But allow me to dispel any fears about best or worst years. The younger you are, the more likely you are too callow to appreciate the really fine points of living, and the older you are, the less likely you are to really notice the originality of life. Old or young, the amount of time spent thinking about best years is inversely proportional to the amount of enjoyment that could have been got instead. So, what troubles me, what I wrote this whole nonsense about, is when someone thinks they have life figured out enough to tell you that you missed that critical phase of life when anything would be better. With prevalent attitudes like this, modern ageism isn't such a mystery anymore.
Sometimes, it is true, the person referring to their best years has been abused, or incarcerated, or somehow put in a position where they have possibly missed the best years of their life due to limited or withheld freedom or outside interference of another sort. But, if you rob a bank, you might be able to get a best day out of it before someone traces the money, at least. The jail time is just shit icing on your overpriced cake, and maybe you'll learn a lesson so, by the time you get out, you'll be wise enough to actually appreciate those 'best years' you almost threw away.
What's worst about anyone referring to 'best years' is it's usually referring to the years between 19 and 29. I don't know what happens to numbskulls between 29 and 30 that makes them incapable of appreciating life or even having a 'best year' after the hallowed twenty-something phase of human development, which is typically the largest chunk of a human biology textbook, is elapsed.
For comparison, the TV show Friends was notably less enjoyable than Seinfeld, and the latter show as about older people who were, arguably, less cool than Chandler and company. This was an important lesson, from an otherwise untrustworthy medium, about things getting funnier the older and more pathetic you get. You used to have to go to Shakespeare for these kinds of lessons.
I did a search about 'best years', and the internet search I did confirmed my worst fears, except that they are even more ageist than I thought. Today's "best years" are the teenage years, which makes sense, because when I was a teenager I had two shows convincing me that the best years were in later life, and if nothing else the unknown-but-ruling forces of the world prey on making you think you lost your best years but can buy them back. I could cry when I remember that I actually believe in safety scissors or adult supervision. I don't even think a two-year heroin binge could deaden the knowledge I've fought for and won, like that there is a shadowy consortium built around the idea of 'best years'.
If nothing else, the concept of 'best years' makes people in various parts of their lives more liable to circle the wagons, more liable to be tricked into being content with what they have. Not that it's wrong to be satisfied with your life, but it's too easy sometimes. Even if it is not true that life continually gets better, like aged cheese or well-cellared wine, it's probably healthier to always keep pushing those best years ahead of you, no matter how persuasive the shallow arguments that your sexual peak was a decade ago, or that people who got published at 16 are better writers than you, or that older people can hold their alcohol better and know how to smoke a fine cigar. We live in a society where fruit is plucked from the branches before it is ripe, and where pumped ethylene gas replaces a few extra days in the sun...
...I actually forgot where I was going with that. The real points I wanted to make are lost in the past. Things were better then. But allow me to dispel any fears about best or worst years. The younger you are, the more likely you are too callow to appreciate the really fine points of living, and the older you are, the less likely you are to really notice the originality of life. Old or young, the amount of time spent thinking about best years is inversely proportional to the amount of enjoyment that could have been got instead. So, what troubles me, what I wrote this whole nonsense about, is when someone thinks they have life figured out enough to tell you that you missed that critical phase of life when anything would be better. With prevalent attitudes like this, modern ageism isn't such a mystery anymore.
12/6/10
Feeling like a Real Blogger
So today I check out the blog and find out that the post about "The Jesse Episode" got me more hits in one day than in the entire history of my blog. Not only that, but the Jesse read the post. As you might guess, I don't even want to blog anymore after a highpoint like that. Now I know how real bloggers feel when their hits per day go from 100 to 1,000 over a post about a new local vegan microbrewery.
Just imagine that I searched for trending terms all over the internet and gave up. I'm going to lose the lead and goodwill I just gained, and agonizing about it just isn't worth it. I'll go back just this once to add something I missed last post: Apparently the musical guest on Jesse's episode, Cake, had to deal with an offhand audience who did not sing the parts assigned to them and flipped them all off. There's a bit of nuance in the way it's done, but the video is on Youtube, and you can see the flipping-off going on around 4:35 - 4:45.
So that's the last of that. What a night it must have been. And what a day, for me, when I find out that almost fifty people cared enough to search the internet for it and that I actually had a bunch of people visit my blog. Probably they all know Jesse, since my usual Russian audience has disappeared entirely.
Just imagine that I searched for trending terms all over the internet and gave up. I'm going to lose the lead and goodwill I just gained, and agonizing about it just isn't worth it. I'll go back just this once to add something I missed last post: Apparently the musical guest on Jesse's episode, Cake, had to deal with an offhand audience who did not sing the parts assigned to them and flipped them all off. There's a bit of nuance in the way it's done, but the video is on Youtube, and you can see the flipping-off going on around 4:35 - 4:45.
So that's the last of that. What a night it must have been. And what a day, for me, when I find out that almost fifty people cared enough to search the internet for it and that I actually had a bunch of people visit my blog. Probably they all know Jesse, since my usual Russian audience has disappeared entirely.
12/3/10
Late Night Talkshows: Conan O'Brien, the "Jesse" episode of Dec. 1
Of all the shows that air late at night or in the early morning, I have watched Conan's the longest. I didn't watch it in the 90's when it was god-awful (or so they say, and by 'they' I mean Fallon apologists) and I don't know if it ever was. The show was always a great change of pace from Letterman or Leno. The writing was hit-or-miss but Conan knew how to wring a laugh out of the most execrable joke his hack writers could throw at him.
His format isn't as inventive as Jimmy Fallon his replacement. Conan does all the things that other talk-shows do. His house band is not stupendous (though LaBamba has become legendary) and he does all the same things as other hosts. If anything, Ferguson is the only inventive host from the start, but he no longer competes with Conan for viewers, and I discussed him a bit in the post about Fallon.
There's still some originality about Conan O'Brien that people either love or hate. Most people I know either don't watch Conan because they don't care, or outright hate him. I don't know why people feel this way, since lots of funny things go on in his show. Like this Wednesday's episode (which I watched last night on the internet) where he took an audience member's hat, wore it, and made a long-running joke out of what happened afterward. Hat-sniffing, hair-fetishes: these are things you don't find on any other show, no matter how wacky it may be. The episode might as well be referred to as "The Jesse Episode", as even the later guests got into the action.
Joel McHale was one of the guests and he was merciless with poor Jesse, throwing out a series of insults about how he was dressed or who dressed him. It was a strange and disheartening scene to see an actor who plays everyone's favourite character berate a spectator for dressing casually. If a man doesn't want to dress well, it's not really anyone's business, and certainly not talk-show material. Community wasn't mentioned overmuch, but what was plugged was the Christmas episode which sounds outstanding even at the distance of a week. All in all, though, McHale's curmugeonliness was probably just an act by an otherwise great man who no doubt impersonates beggars in his spare time to help afford his suit habit.
The recurring bit about Dion parking in the studio was funny – another stunt you don't find on any other show. Ferguson has Secretariat and techno music and a fair bit of swearing, but he doesn't have Andy Richter as a parking valet. Speaking of Andy Richter, he still delivers solid laughs every night and I am glad to see him return. LaBamba is there too, so what I'm really waiting for is a new iteration of "In the Year 2000...", which NBC has probably copyrighted just to spite Conan.
That was just Monday, and the guests were good (I say this because I am in support of Community alumni making awkward scenes and half-heartedly plugging the show) even the fashion guy stood up for Jesse, making McHale the perfect villain. He stayed for the whole show, so he's obviously a gentleman into the bargain, and let's face it, he probably either apologized to Jesse or explained the nervous disorder that made him launch that triptych of personal insults.
His format isn't as inventive as Jimmy Fallon his replacement. Conan does all the things that other talk-shows do. His house band is not stupendous (though LaBamba has become legendary) and he does all the same things as other hosts. If anything, Ferguson is the only inventive host from the start, but he no longer competes with Conan for viewers, and I discussed him a bit in the post about Fallon.
There's still some originality about Conan O'Brien that people either love or hate. Most people I know either don't watch Conan because they don't care, or outright hate him. I don't know why people feel this way, since lots of funny things go on in his show. Like this Wednesday's episode (which I watched last night on the internet) where he took an audience member's hat, wore it, and made a long-running joke out of what happened afterward. Hat-sniffing, hair-fetishes: these are things you don't find on any other show, no matter how wacky it may be. The episode might as well be referred to as "The Jesse Episode", as even the later guests got into the action.
Joel McHale was one of the guests and he was merciless with poor Jesse, throwing out a series of insults about how he was dressed or who dressed him. It was a strange and disheartening scene to see an actor who plays everyone's favourite character berate a spectator for dressing casually. If a man doesn't want to dress well, it's not really anyone's business, and certainly not talk-show material. Community wasn't mentioned overmuch, but what was plugged was the Christmas episode which sounds outstanding even at the distance of a week. All in all, though, McHale's curmugeonliness was probably just an act by an otherwise great man who no doubt impersonates beggars in his spare time to help afford his suit habit.
The recurring bit about Dion parking in the studio was funny – another stunt you don't find on any other show. Ferguson has Secretariat and techno music and a fair bit of swearing, but he doesn't have Andy Richter as a parking valet. Speaking of Andy Richter, he still delivers solid laughs every night and I am glad to see him return. LaBamba is there too, so what I'm really waiting for is a new iteration of "In the Year 2000...", which NBC has probably copyrighted just to spite Conan.
That was just Monday, and the guests were good (I say this because I am in support of Community alumni making awkward scenes and half-heartedly plugging the show) even the fashion guy stood up for Jesse, making McHale the perfect villain. He stayed for the whole show, so he's obviously a gentleman into the bargain, and let's face it, he probably either apologized to Jesse or explained the nervous disorder that made him launch that triptych of personal insults.
12/1/10
Free Video for Dummies
If you've stumbled onto this without infecting your computer with all sorts of viruses and malicious code, you're on the right path. Unfortunately the path to free internet video ends here, because nobody has a good index of what's available on YouTube.
Oh yes, there's a lot of free video on YouTube. You no doubt consider it all stupid and vacuous and made by people who are paid by corporations to pretend to be people recommending you a certain game or lifestyle or product to eat. Some companies made, say, television shows in the 80s and these shows can be found on YouTube for free. I won't name any because I haven't finished watching all the episodes yet myself, but they exist and are relatively unpunished.
Whether the copyright holder gave up or what, I don't know. Entire television series exist on YouTube, uploaded by dedicated fans. Finding these shows is difficult, because most videos that purport to be part of a movie or show are stills that inform you that YouTube can't actually host video and that only some other website (whose url is typically disguised) can.
The trick is to look for things that are not new. Anything that came out lately will not be available on YouTube, and videos that suggest alternatively are lying to you. Or you're lucky. Which brings me to my last point, if you're lucky you can find whatever you want on YouTube, but luck depends on what you are seeking, how the creators feel about it, how their lawyers feel about it, and whether or not the poster of legitimate material has gotten ratted out or discovered.
None of the rules are steady. I searched for the newest season of Entourage and got nothing but links to slag-websites. I tried to find the Fresh Prince, and there was no luck for me outside of a few scattered episodes. Also the YouTube search engine sometimes posts the same links page after page, so going past 15 or 20 on a search is not recommended. As for programs which have been posted under other names, you can only hope to be on the right side of that divide.
You may know something I don't, about cool websites that provide utopian bandwidth and lossless videos (DivX, RIP) but I'll tell you I stopped going to various websites for free video because I was getting tired of reformatting my hard drive and reinstalling everything. YouTube is limited, but it won't cause your anti-virus to have a breathless panic attack.
Oh yes, there's a lot of free video on YouTube. You no doubt consider it all stupid and vacuous and made by people who are paid by corporations to pretend to be people recommending you a certain game or lifestyle or product to eat. Some companies made, say, television shows in the 80s and these shows can be found on YouTube for free. I won't name any because I haven't finished watching all the episodes yet myself, but they exist and are relatively unpunished.
Whether the copyright holder gave up or what, I don't know. Entire television series exist on YouTube, uploaded by dedicated fans. Finding these shows is difficult, because most videos that purport to be part of a movie or show are stills that inform you that YouTube can't actually host video and that only some other website (whose url is typically disguised) can.
The trick is to look for things that are not new. Anything that came out lately will not be available on YouTube, and videos that suggest alternatively are lying to you. Or you're lucky. Which brings me to my last point, if you're lucky you can find whatever you want on YouTube, but luck depends on what you are seeking, how the creators feel about it, how their lawyers feel about it, and whether or not the poster of legitimate material has gotten ratted out or discovered.
None of the rules are steady. I searched for the newest season of Entourage and got nothing but links to slag-websites. I tried to find the Fresh Prince, and there was no luck for me outside of a few scattered episodes. Also the YouTube search engine sometimes posts the same links page after page, so going past 15 or 20 on a search is not recommended. As for programs which have been posted under other names, you can only hope to be on the right side of that divide.
You may know something I don't, about cool websites that provide utopian bandwidth and lossless videos (DivX, RIP) but I'll tell you I stopped going to various websites for free video because I was getting tired of reformatting my hard drive and reinstalling everything. YouTube is limited, but it won't cause your anti-virus to have a breathless panic attack.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)