User Comment Rodeo: Lazier and Funnier than Ever!

Hey readers, you're probably quite excited that the UCR hasn't been lost or destroyed in a fire yet, right? Oh, you aren't... well it's back. 2014 has probably been a great year for stupid user comments, but we're going to find out. Okay, well, here's a bunch of great user commentary, bitching, and the occasional gem - dug up in the most unhealthy way possible.

 

Highly potent stuff. Hahahahaha. I can definitely see why the UCR 3000 or whatever picked this up. Great shit. Hahha. Not a waste of twenty thousand dollars.

Ahahaha holy shit somebody got owned [for teh internet savvy browsers: 'pwned'] pretty hard in the comment section that day... goddamn that's some serious incest.

Damn look at this guy who can see through the facade of lowered violent crime rates and other liberal mumbo-jumbo hexapentatonic voodoo to the truth: ancient biblical cities that were destroyed for lawlessness and immorality are essentially the same as the modern United States. Obozo, good shit dude... betcha didn't come up with something that good yourself.

Hell yeah that's got me spinning in the chair, spitting out my tea/coffee/beer, and laughing all the way to the bank!

In twelve years the above user commentary will be cited in a study conclusively proving that video games promote mental illness on a level at least equivalent to marginalization, drug use, or genetics. I don't know what the hell is going on, but people live like that... imagine their internal monologues and all the stupid shit they get excited about... mental illnesses and neurological problems... seriously hilarious shit.

 

Climate science is the lowest target besides almost everything else an unthinking buffoon commentates on. Let's see what might or might not happen (much like we as a species do with earth and climate science).

You see? Hippie shit.

Oh, and highly reasonable responses that lead one to question why the commentator is wasting potential arguing with people in the user comment section. Why not go to school? Or use your time responsibly... maybe these saints have bigger plans than any of us know, and don't mind getting mired in incredibly stupid and wasteful arguments with hardened skeptics. Maybe they don't even get hopeless or angry or wracked by belly laughs when they engage the user comment sections of the internet... and there's a lot of those.

Twitter Success Stories

I have heard a lot of horror stories from Twitter. Apparently it's crazy on there: it's like the peanut gallery of the internet and the character limit must help to keep things sharp. People buy and sell followers, mores change in seconds, public figures are subjected to ridicule and blistering trolling, politics are dished out, sometimes people get fired for tweets. It is the people's battlefield of the 21st century, and everything is at stake.

Names and reputations, professional identities, personal legacies are all made and destroyed there - I am just now reading that some #breakdowns have actually happened. One wonders if the ever-looming specter of cyber-bullying has haunted Twitter, and to what terrible effect. I'm sure that people become #twitteraddicts just like people claimed to be addicted to Facebook because they were simply being dumb or extremely lazy.

With all this doom and gloom it is easy to get pessimistic about a world including Twitter, but there is also a brighter side to the social media darling. For instance, the guy who invented the #twitterjoke hashtag is now a few hundred thousand dollars richer. Of course he is richer due mostly to his well-paying upper-middle class tech job, but the good karma from his innovative Tweeting must have helped him feel better, thus upping his potential in the workplace, and ultimately his net worth as well (as well has his 'net-worth', too, eh? #twitterjoke).

There was once a street urchin from Calcutta who began to tweet one day, as the story goes, and found himself on television the next, getting interviewed by such industry giants as: Vice journalists, various mainstream media, and finally Oprah herself. This urchin is set to publish a book this November about the Twitter-launched journey, and immigration papers for the U.S. are pending. Talk about #heartwarming, right? But also #bootstraps.

Meanwhile in the United States, Seattle urban residents banded together to 'crowdsource' a recycling initiative that saved a local bookstore, reinvigorated a local park, as well as funded the gym of a new public housing complex. Talk about 'retweet' am I getting to you here? Does this not impress you? Serious things are happening.

I remember one story from the heyday of Twitter, when it was truly still the wild west, in which a band of libertarians managed to close a soup kitchen and shame its operators into leaving town. Truly, for activism of the slackiest kind, there is no better PR wing than a Twitter account and an opinionated but well-spoken Comm. graduate.

In another story, the guy who started Shit My Dad Says (which is very #2009, I know) became a minor sensation and also managed to capitalize quite well on his inherent ability to quote people for humorous sayings. I don't know much about him because I was TUNED OUT in 2009/2010 but apparently he became something like a 'W'-list celebrity. He got a book deal out of Twitter (and he's not the only one!), they made a TV show out of it (you can bet he got something out of that, too), and apparently he will soon release a highly-anticipated 'solo-project' (which, don't worry, will include his dad). Twitter has done more for comedy than the next three internet 2.0 social media outlets combined, and that's a #fact.

The best part is none of these people got anything by Tweeting angrily or negatively about anything. They never went 'on the attack', never sold out, never complained, they never shilled for anything or anyone, it was just pure Twitter savvy that got them anything. They kept their noses clean and didn't start tweeting about politics or anything, they didn't ever chase scandals or sensationalism – all they ever did was try to help society, or try to be funny so that society was a bit less terrible... there's hope for all of us who see Twitter as an occasionally funny pile of shit.

Legal and Moral Panic over Teenaged Trolls; the Coming Age of Anti-Troll Legislation

When Amanda Todd killed herself there was a fury which the internet-related deaths of hundreds of others failed to awaken. There was media hyperbole and the ever-present pointing of fingers. Yes, it was unquestionably a horrible, senseless ending to a young life. No, I don't think I'd blame teenagers for it – exclusively, at least. Teenagers, for all their precocious brightness, are almost without exception immature and are generally pretty impressionable as well. They are caged in shitty little worlds and it makes them inexplicable to older people who have escaped. Sometimes they feel like they can't escape, sometimes they think life sucks, and these and other things make them intolerable.

They're not particularly nice: they might respect their elders (which is immensely satisfying to smug elders), but they will go after each other with a wonderful blend of hatred and conviction one rarely sees outside of politics or ideological clashes. They're mean as rabid dogs: and in a culture which is arrogant enough to blame them while simultaneously encouraging them, it doesn't seem like there are a lot of people who really care. Society loves stories like these. They appeal to baser natures: outrage, righteousness, fury, voyeurs. They are easy to explain: evil kids, internet anonymity, lack of empathy, etc... The story needed to be told, but it was without reservation a story which was disgusting. Nothing about it seemed right, and looking into it was looking into the abyss of the internet and pretending to know what the fuck. Experts ran their mouths about how parents could prevent kids from falling into a similar trap. Punishments were devised. The police were all over it.

Truth of the matter is that such a thing will inevitably happen again, and something worse will undoubtedly happen if the law tries to get more deeply involved, pushing the criminal verges of cyber-harassment further underground where less idiotic and more dangerous people will continue in impunity. The internet is the last frontier of group psychology, and the denizens are very suspicious of lawmakers. There are many reasons for this, many of them despicable, but that's the way it is.

When I was a teenager cyber-bullying was nigh-impossible, because you could block people on MSN Messenger when they bothered you and few people were poser enough to use Myspace. The Digital Age was in its infancy: cameraphones were shitty and rare; cyber-bullying happened, but it wasn't a big deal because people lived offline. You simply weren't tethered and beholden to a 24/7, identity-bound life on the internet unless you were a nerd. Hints of a darker future were around, but those hints are in any past. Generally I bode my time until my personality had settled enough that I wasn't an insufferable shit, and then things started to look up. Towards the end of my tenure as a teenager high school was something that I had taken a positive leave from, and so distant it didn't always seem like a miserable prison anymore. In an even more distant past, as a veritable child, I logged into chats and started trouble for the hell of it on slow nights. Lots of us did, and following generations continued the tradition until...

Internet culture is filled with trolling. Often it is done with in a lighthearted spirit, and anyone who gets offended or falls for it is considered an idiot, ridiculed, and forgotten. 'Griefing', an online-game version of trolling, is almost a respectable pastime, and some 'griefs' have become legendary in their own right. Generally, when you see a troll on the internet, you are dealing with children, teenagers, or the mentally unfit. Sometimes they are amusing. Their antisocial stance would be interesting if it were self-aware and purposeful, but as a provocative measure it has few peers. Trolls are determined and capable of things many adults would balk at, such as trolling public facebook memorials about the recently deceased. Long story short: keep it private, or (I hate to be the one to say it) keep off the internet altogether because that shit is trashy, full stop.

User Comment Rodeo: Multiple Choice City

The UCR Mk.II picked up a hugely lucrative article about a social studies professor who forced her entire second year sociology class into taking a geography pop quiz. Just a purely innocent decision which had no loaded stakes, made by a disinterested, scientific-minded professor with no agenda up her sleeve – forced on a classroom of modern students. Said class failed dismally at accurately labeling countries, provinces, capitols, and even broad geographical regions. The UCR Mk.II almost crashed analyzing the over 200 comments. The irony sensor burned out too many times, and I had to deactivate it lest I ran out of spares.

It seemed to me (and still seems to me) a monstrous project, but I will gladly take it on. There is nothing more entertaining than watching idiots go at their bogeys, and watching the poor moderates waste their time. What's really important, in the end, is that everyone tends to just have fun. So kick back, get a stiff drink, forget how old or young you are, and indulge in some senseless ageism. And remember: more than 200 hundred comments resulted from poor test scores about an unrelated subject in what is a small sample of post-secondary students. This is, in more ways than one, an example of why the west is withering and how the internet is making it worse (or making it appear worse). Don't get offended, let's go on a rodeo:

The comments flew in fast and heavy. Reading them almost caved-in my sense of hope. It was brutal. I missed some doozies, no doubt, but there is never time to think when it comes to a User Comment Rodeo. There is only action. There is only the lassoing of choice screengrabs, and hoping they turn out to be priceless. I warn ye who would read this: this is going to be lengthy and uncomfortable, and the levels of ageism, ignorance, and bigotry unveiled herein will drive you into hysteria. If you had any faith, in the young or old, turn back now. The world needs your optimism more than ever. As for me: I don't care, I'm not even paid to do this. Maybe I'll get a shot or two in.

You know what's kind of depressing? You don't? I – Ah, fuck it. I prefer cuss-words anyway, since they make a solid point, frighten puritans and squares, and require almost no intelligence to be used effectively. The internet can still educate. It can also mislead, trivialize, infantilize, and stupefy. Reader, mark well the words of these and following User Comments. Note the vast problems they bring up, and their generally piss-poor sentence construction. Ah, the familiar smells of lazy rhetoric and half-baked idiocy. Is this crisis in education new? Is this a beautiful moment in our collective existence? Will the bleating objections of the masses lead to a new era of mental rigor?

These were the 'upvotes' in reddit-speak (RIP Swartz, I never knew ye, but you deserved better). These were the king comments. These were choice, juicy, apropos, and insightful beyond all the rest. Observe the beautiful spectre of ageism rising from the rabble. One can hardly blame students who are prejudged en masse as morons, merely for existing in a troubled and complex era and for their casual use of advanced electronic devices. It seems as if everyone has given up on them. Everyone except for the oilsands, that is – and when one is scientifically illiterate, one eats up greenwashing with both hands, and feels great about it. The modern explosion of ideologues is due to lack of mental rigor, but if education was so impeccable in the 50's, 60's, and 70's then why are so many middle-aged people so insufferable in their harmful, hateful, and ignorant opinions – why are they so vulnerable to fast-food politics, misinformation, and ideology? Look what they threw away to live comfortably. It's cute, because the coming generations get to live in not only mental, but also economical, physical, and environmental squalor. No wonder they don't give a fuck.

Definitely a Big Deal

Oh certainly the election in the United States of America is a big deal. It's a big deal, alright? I wasn't really following it like some others, but I hear it was a close race. Congratulations to the candidates, both of them, for not going too low. For not spending too much corporate monies, you know? I'm sure things will be better from here on out.

For one thing, every newscast is going to have to find something else important to report on every day without pause during breakfast, lunch, and dinner. 24 hour news cycles are going to have to wait for the first big event. Basically, the media needs to find the next thing to drive into the ground/beat like a dead horse. Don't worry, news junkies! The media is good at finding something else.

I for one am happy that I won't have to hear about the election anymore. I was thoroughly tired of it. I was tired of people asking why, in my country, we should still care so much about the Emperor of the United States of America. Sorry. Wait... I'm leaving that terrible joke in there, as chastisement for all the hours and minutes I've had to spend listening to dummies talk about how politics are going to play out. Everyone who said, "Listen to these economic woes, this territorial instability, or that ongoing war" – bless you. Nobody listened, unfortunately, because big money was rolling around and two titanic monopolies were fighting about the 'future'. I took notice, but alas, I rarely take notice of the news.

I was tired of being asked who I thought I would win. I was tired of the sharp sensation that Romney might have an edge, even though it was all optics. Madmen would vote Romney into power. Madmen would suggest that one candidate was more Reaganific than the other (they were both equals in that regard). Oh there were so many 'experts' and talking heads, and dumb quacks, and vicious moments. I really wondered about it. So many Jon Stewart quips and bits some good, some bad, some reused by Colbert or improved by him... All for what? Yea, the elections here are less exciting. Our government's fist is empillowed and our people are indolent and selfish. It is like any other country, but our politicians have less money and less power than a Goddamn President, baby!

The president, be he a wise man or a fool, cannot by himself fix the job market. Even his policies cannot undo what was done or enacted by his predecessors. The president's foreign policies, no matter how balanced or cautious or brutal cannot end foreign grief and heartbreak and vengeance. The president, male or female, is no magician. The president, honorable or despicable, is not a coat-hook for your dreams, your identity, or your aspirations. So be thankful that someone got the job, and that you don't have to hear about campaigns for another few months (the joke is that some kind of politic is going to be news in about six hours, let alone six months or four years). Work on developing your own person. Work on developing your own community, think on what your country really means to you. Wherever you are, think on who really owns it, and who suffers for it and who pays for what – and above all, who spends the money.

For the record, I think both candidates had fair points to make. I think Romney was interested in making his points very badly, and Obama was a touch more eloquent and balanced in his point-making. I don't think either had valid platforms for fixing real issues, and I think their parties are at fault. I think this campaign, whatever else, should teach people that simple, dumbed-down, mass democracy built around polarized 'hot-topics' and sub-human 'brand politics' creates the America poor Obama has to continue running. A country, mind you, filled with partisan hatred, fear, poverty, ignorance, racism, problems... upon problems... upon problems, and then inequality, and then all the other petty possibilities that come from a populace which follows such a dreamlike, expensive, overblown and maniacal 'campaign season' to their (I stress 'their') own cost.

To which I say, excellent. You paid for it, you enjoy it. I wish I'd seen less of it, so the result would be more of a surprise. Lovely Americans, have a great second Obamian Term, and stop bitching about it so much. Romney shouldn't have sourced his logoed garbage from China, and if the results of the election anger you in any way, you should think on that point very carefully. Hopefully you realize the point.

In the meantime, everyone, search for your heart's content for the overblown, ridiculous, and spiteful American Response. We are in for social media's darkest, stupidest hour. And let us not forget, as well, that broadcast television newscasts will probably STILL take a full week to shut up about the events of the last twenty-four hours.

The Debate is On!

Moderated by the unparalleled Steve Paikin, the Canadian debate is happening right now, and it is a little rude. I'll be quick about it so I can get back to watching: everything has been rough, nobody's been excessively rude, but there is some frank backbiting. Harper has been calm thus far, not even breaking a sweat as the other politicians condemn him soundly. Layton and Duceppe are definite secondaries as Ignatieff and Harper go at it. Let me paraphrase an injunction by Iggy:  "This isn't bickering, Mr. Harper, this is debate. This is democracy."

Harper's weakness is foreign policy, the G20 is a definite black eye, but Ignatieff and Layton have a lot to prove, and Duceppe has to reach out to angophones. Where is Elizabeth May? The consortium vetoed her away. Is that fair play? I say, "No way." Shame, shame, shame.

Talks of coalitions, party brandings, closed door meetings, and all that other good stuff abound. Watch. Consider. Vote.  Laugh, because some of the bickering is relatively petty.

Oh and the other big news is that humanity gained space 50 years ago, via Mr. Yuri Gagarin, cosmonaut, lately of Russia. Props to him and Russia for winning the first leg of the space race. (Lets also remember the many people who died, laboured, and sacrificed so that we could fire unreliable columns of machined steel out of Earth's atmosphere.)

The Internet 'IRL', Courtesy of Something Awful

I've been watching the Flash Tub at Something Awful for years. It was originally quite good, but the quality always varied, and there hasn't really been anything outstanding or noteworthy there for a while, in my unfair estimation. It's a flash animation weekly feature, often with goofy and/or violent animation and tends to stray into  nonsensical self referential territory.

But now and again it proves that it does have a right to exist. For instance, when it does what Something Awful is best at: internet meta-commentary. The preceding sentence is a link to a flash tub cartoon that illustrates exactly what the world would be like if it were like the internet, as imagined by knowing denizens of the internet. When it comes to timely slap-downs of internet memes, social fads, or the type of snobbish commentary on music that Pitchfork simply cannot provide, Something Awful has been everyone's friend since at least 2001 and has doled out mountains of advice to loners, strangers, and goons of various persuasions.

To be honest, the cartoon is sharp as hell. Say what you want about the production (which, statistically, is above and beyond a majority of Flash work on the internet), but the content delivers.