User Comment Rodeo: Multiple Choice City

The UCR Mk.II picked up a hugely lucrative article about a social studies professor who forced her entire second year sociology class into taking a geography pop quiz. Just a purely innocent decision which had no loaded stakes, made by a disinterested, scientific-minded professor with no agenda up her sleeve – forced on a classroom of modern students. Said class failed dismally at accurately labeling countries, provinces, capitols, and even broad geographical regions. The UCR Mk.II almost crashed analyzing the over 200 comments. The irony sensor burned out too many times, and I had to deactivate it lest I ran out of spares.

It seemed to me (and still seems to me) a monstrous project, but I will gladly take it on. There is nothing more entertaining than watching idiots go at their bogeys, and watching the poor moderates waste their time. What's really important, in the end, is that everyone tends to just have fun. So kick back, get a stiff drink, forget how old or young you are, and indulge in some senseless ageism. And remember: more than 200 hundred comments resulted from poor test scores about an unrelated subject in what is a small sample of post-secondary students. This is, in more ways than one, an example of why the west is withering and how the internet is making it worse (or making it appear worse). Don't get offended, let's go on a rodeo:

The comments flew in fast and heavy. Reading them almost caved-in my sense of hope. It was brutal. I missed some doozies, no doubt, but there is never time to think when it comes to a User Comment Rodeo. There is only action. There is only the lassoing of choice screengrabs, and hoping they turn out to be priceless. I warn ye who would read this: this is going to be lengthy and uncomfortable, and the levels of ageism, ignorance, and bigotry unveiled herein will drive you into hysteria. If you had any faith, in the young or old, turn back now. The world needs your optimism more than ever. As for me: I don't care, I'm not even paid to do this. Maybe I'll get a shot or two in.

You know what's kind of depressing? You don't? I – Ah, fuck it. I prefer cuss-words anyway, since they make a solid point, frighten puritans and squares, and require almost no intelligence to be used effectively. The internet can still educate. It can also mislead, trivialize, infantilize, and stupefy. Reader, mark well the words of these and following User Comments. Note the vast problems they bring up, and their generally piss-poor sentence construction. Ah, the familiar smells of lazy rhetoric and half-baked idiocy. Is this crisis in education new? Is this a beautiful moment in our collective existence? Will the bleating objections of the masses lead to a new era of mental rigor?

These were the 'upvotes' in reddit-speak (RIP Swartz, I never knew ye, but you deserved better). These were the king comments. These were choice, juicy, apropos, and insightful beyond all the rest. Observe the beautiful spectre of ageism rising from the rabble. One can hardly blame students who are prejudged en masse as morons, merely for existing in a troubled and complex era and for their casual use of advanced electronic devices. It seems as if everyone has given up on them. Everyone except for the oilsands, that is – and when one is scientifically illiterate, one eats up greenwashing with both hands, and feels great about it. The modern explosion of ideologues is due to lack of mental rigor, but if education was so impeccable in the 50's, 60's, and 70's then why are so many middle-aged people so insufferable in their harmful, hateful, and ignorant opinions – why are they so vulnerable to fast-food politics, misinformation, and ideology? Look what they threw away to live comfortably. It's cute, because the coming generations get to live in not only mental, but also economical, physical, and environmental squalor. No wonder they don't give a fuck.

Squatters' Revolution

Well America is looking as dirty as the last 30 years predicted. Sometimes I get the sense that there are significant instabilities in North America in general, and that the oligarchy can no longer mask itself and therefore has adopted the obscurantist angle. "Obscurantist?" you ask, mouth agape stupidly. Yes, stupidy, obscurantist as in not revealing anything to anyone AKA dealing with the world sensibly - information-as-necessary style living. Which is a pretty great hypocrisy in a system where your bank is entitled to know your state of employment in addition to the wealth of other personal information they are entitled to. Yes the ability to go to your bank and cash a cheque and go home without them having explicit statements from you concerning your status is probably eroded.

Now it seems a small thing, and it is. Frankly I don't really care so much as I find it odd the bank cannot just simply assume a thing like that. So you know nothing about the people who ultimately shape your reality (unless you think actors, celebrities, and personalities do this) and the global reality, but you share your information on a 'no-need-to-know-basis' because the information of your life is so useless to anything but a marketer or criminal that it is a balm to your existential angst that at the very least you can have a cyber-billboard. This could be protested by refusing outright to identify yourself on the internet, boycotting Facebook, Google+, etc... but of course your networking opportunities would suddenly revert to mid-90's standards. In other words we could go back to making personal statements in person, but then we can't hope 1000 strangers will praise us. We could hope for maybe 10 intimates to admit our ideas have some merit.

Not that protest will mean anything since freedom is still exactly what it was at the dawn of humanity: a dream that can be indulged in only by the most powerful individuals or through the most powerful delusions. Freedom is a pretty goddamned stupid goal, yet it is a noble one Oh, but ironically the idea of freedom has generated the idea of slavery. Currently there is also a pervasive mode of thought which infers that freedom can be bought, assuming freedom is laziness, recreation, or inaction and time is the currency which buys it. Microfreedom does exist - yes in day to day experiences you have a sense that anything could be done; in the macro scale there is no significant freedom at all. You must acquire and spend wealth, dress well, pretend to be contented with the system, and enter automobile culture or else live as an abnormal, stunted, or subnormal individual.

User Comment Rodeo: Award Show the First

 I've been sleeping on User Comment Rodeo posts lately because I got very, very tired of reading them and also because I haven't seen a lot of good or juicy ones,. but mostly I've been too lazy to make another User Comment Rodeo post and there have been other interesting things to talk about. Prefab Sprout and the 80s pop debacle, for instance. That is some of my best blogging, right there. Timely, informative, helpful, and could even save you if you get cornered by a pack of label-wary musicoholics. 

So I was browsing the CBC news website, as usual, and found a rather well-written user comment with an actual structure (!) and some focus, plus it was written interestingly. It was in response to a story about oil prices or oil politics or something usually bitched about relentlessly but which is of considerable significance. Rarely do I find a level-headed, nonpartisan comment on CBC. If you read the old User Comment Rodeo posts, you can see a few descriptions of the archetypal comment posters. The rarest thing of all is that I found this post before anybody had voted for it, so it was in an ineffable state where nobody is opining or telling you what to think about the comment. 

For those reasons and more I consider the following user comment worthy of an honour. The first User Comment Rodeo award of excellence, given only to comments of outstanding value, insight, and entertainment. I doubt I will go into ecstatics, but to be safe I will show the post before I discuss it:

Look at that beautiful 'zero' rating. Untouched, unsullied by idiots, fresh from the poster. And what a post. Goddamn Latin phrase indicating which group is unpleasant? Goddamn Latin phrase indicating the entire 'user comment' mentality and existence, man! But we can't be too surprised that intelligent or educated people use the CBC website. 

Note the non-partisan appraisal of the situation. Harper is not at fault for oil prices. Goddamn right he isn't. If he had that much control all Canadians would be nerve-stapled cyborgs by now, and pulling him around on a sleigh. See the awesome dismissal of Harper, somewhat partisan, but seemingly more personal. That is beautiful commentary right there. If this was putting down a troll it would be a true masterpiece.

But this post doesn't need to put down trolls, because the Latin opening already takes care of the entire internet's population of trolls. Look at that unerring perspective, that perfect disclosure of chemical ignorance and naivete: the punctuation, grammar, and structure. Even the odd statistical fact is great.  This user comment is like Vonnegut coming down from the heavens and blessing the illiterate and subliterate with pure bleak satire they'll never understand.

Sure there are a few misspellings. Sure the perspective is perhaps even a little too truthful for anybody who's grown up on lies and self-entitlement. Sure the metaphor is upper-brow and probably flawed, and even a little offensive to Monster Truck Enthusiasts... but it's true. That's good imagery even though it doesn't make one bit of sense. I value that kind of honesty that does not pick sides, does not preach, but rather says a thing straight up as it is.