"I'm Amateur Poet Ross Heffi, and I Love Reading!"

[Note: Due to problems with contracting an actual poet to write this entire post in hexameter, this blog post has been delayed and in development hell for nearly six months. the author presents it as is and refuses to accept any liability whatever for this piece, which is offered on a pro bono basis, or any derivatives thereof. This piece is fictional and is not meant to disparage any lazy and  numbskull idiots (hereafter referred to as 'poets')  living or dead, nor does it purport to represent any veritable person, as a work of fiction is not libelous or slanderous. The poetry and prose herein is the intelluctual property of Ross Heffi, M.F.A. and should not be reproduced in any way.]


Hey everyone, glad you're reading words my fingers put into the computer realm, my name is Ross Heffi, I currently live in Ithaca, New York, and my darkest secret is that if reading as a concept and practice was made corporeal in the form of a human, I would marry it. or, failing that, stalk it relentlessly and passionately. My favorite medium is Poetry, because Poetry allows me to expound in an unusual manner, offering many possibilities that prose doesn't. My favorite poet is Wallace Stevens, for reasons that should be obvious to even neophytes of Art. I don't ape him because I'm not a fool, and know that I could never match him in his element.

Reading is, to me, the highest and most noble pastime. The illiterate and semi-literate confuse and sadden me. I believe I was born in the wrong era, and I must tearfully admit I consider this an age of philistinery. These are lurid times, when the flashy draw hooks many minds and leads them to ruin, to ignorance, and to laziness. Without thoughts, wise men, and the dreams of peaceful minds, the world will be robbed of promise and hatred will continue to spread. Wealth will turn to ash without us, and our voices are still strong, still awaiting the return of the audience.

My favorite poem (of my own making) 'Destiny's Argot'  concerns a man whose fear for the world drives him mad, and into the arms of the muses (as well as other mysterious forces) and nearly eighty high quality lines (probably the best work I ever succeeded in doing) detail his altered state and journey through a supermarket/drug store, and interactions with shoppers. If you, the reader, are interested in Ross Heffi, or simply adore poetic endeavor, I would recommend reading 'Destiny's Argot' which is available on a trial basis from Wattpad, and also on Goodreads, where you can add me as a friend. You may be inspired to make a purchase of my first and only collection Hell is Pieces of my Heart on Hot Asphalt (digital and paper copies available), for which I would be very, but not eternally (I do not believe the immortal soul), grateful.

@HeffiTymes. Ross Heffi is on Tumblr, as well, serving fresh, daily compositions ,and accepting commissions. Yeah that just happened, my dear reader, and many more adventures await and I will give it my all to produce and curate some of the best poetry of this era, comparable perhaps to the masters of old, and the ancient demigods of poetry, the most learned and exquisite and legendary figures. Of Sappho and Homer you have doubtless heard much, but there are others I can name, which you probably could not. In any case, my list of most admired poets is too long and probably too confusing to list here, so I do invoke the ancients and humbly request they invoke the Muses for me. This latest poem is entitled 'Forever is a Distant Laughing Brook' and is dedicated to the unpopular and much disliked blog P u b l i c a t o and was written at the request of Anonynimous Bosch for a reasonable fee, which is charged for most commissions except at the request of true lovers, lost souls, dedicated fans, certain members of the media, and under-14 poetry fanatics.

The Rob Ford Scandal Saga: Refiring the Spotlight

The mayor of notable world-class city Toronto, Ontario (home of the Toronto International Film Festival, the Leafs, the Raptors, and the Blue Jays) had admitted to using crack cocaine, which he had previously (and very prominently) been alleged to have done. The story was very hot, leading to some Canada stories on all kinds of media around the world. It was close to being a circus, and with Rob Ford... well... it actually had been kind of a circus all along, hadn't it?

A large number of Torontonians had it in for Rob Ford since the moment he took office, and many of those rejected him before that point. The thing was primed from the start to be disastrous for Ford, but, bless his heart, he did go on as acting mayor. He did what Clinton did and denied it. The police followed up, and on Halloween Bill Blair, chief of police, held a press conference to confirm the allegations first put forward in May. Rob Ford had smoked crack cocaine, and the police had video evidence of it, and that's where the thing stood. What's insane is that there is apparently no mechanism in place for dealing with a mayor who might be compromised by use of illegal substance. At this late point in the story, Ford is dealing with a potential mandatory leave of absence.

An historical day for the Ford mayoralty, and the continuation of this spring's Crack Mayor Narrative. There were a couple of reasons to consider the allegations unproven back then: firstly, a large group of people wanted a character assassination and would've jumped on the opportunity anyway; second, Gawker are a bunch of fuck shits who never came up with the goods for shadowy reasons; third, the Toronto Star has 'had it in' for Ford for a long time; finally, it was only alleged at the time. Anyone would have agreed that Rob Ford was a bit screwed up, possibly a drunk, and probably had contacts with 'the wrong people'. The police, competently enough, decided to keep an eye on the situation. Maybe they even followed through with Gawker.

It's last week's news and I know that. I waited so that the frenzy had ended by the time I said anything. I had nothing to add while it was happening. It seems to me as if Rob Ford will continue to act as embattled mayor for a few more days. He evaded the topic because it was his last move in the doomed chess game of crack use and publicity. The Drunken Stupor line is a beauty, a real font of humor, but also the only legitimate way Ford could counteract the damage of Using Illegal Drugs... because you see, when you're already Intoxicated on a Legal Drug, it's more permissible to use an Illegal Drug, because you're not thinking clearly. Mostly it's a nod to the drug war mentality. Say what you want about him: he tried.

The media attention is burdensome to Canada, frankly speaking. After the bets cleared and the dust settled, me and a bookie had a serious talk about how odd it is that big stories about Canada go completely untold by the rest of the world, while all it would take for a Canadian revival would be more dumb scandals and graceless public officials. It was the first big story about Canada since Lac Megantic, or Chris Hadfield's Bowie cover in space.. and before that the big story was Rob Ford on crack cocaine allegations. Listen: Rob Ford is obviously kind of a troubled guy, he's apparently surrounded by shady dudes and fake friends who will videotape him in a private moment, but I doubt he's taken the reigns of Toronto City while high on crack. At least he didn't use taxpayer monies for personal reasons – so is he morally superior to Pamela Wallin and Mike Duffy and the rest of the high-life crew in the Canadian Senate? Some would argue he is. Meanwhile there's talk of pipeline chicanery, a big topic for the United States and Canada, that is so quiet one can barely hear it.

How will Rob Ford be remembered? Does Toronto deserve better, and what does it mean to be Torontonian in light of a mayor who smokes crack? Has this changed how the world views Toronto? Rob Ford has gotten more global media coverage in a short few months than David Miller and Mel Lastman combined, does that put Toronto 'on the map'? Have you ever smoked crack, and if so did you feel like you were a mayor? Do you feel sorry for Rob Ford, knowing that underneath all the political grandstanding and posturing, he's a just a fat guy from a relatively privileged family? Do you hate him? Will he step down on Wednesday? Will Canada ever again become prominent in the news for good reasons? Are there too many questions and too few concrete answers?

But, uh, in actual serious world news that isn't sensationalism: the Phillipines just got hammered by a giant storm and is actually in a disastrous state, so the Rob Ford media shitshow can be allowed to end in relative obscurity. Also the McRib is back, gross. The war in Syria is still ongoing, as well, that's pretty important but since there isn't an easy solution it seems to be brushed under the rug again now the chemical weapons issue is sorted out. And in America there is hushed talk of a Tea Party/Republican schism. What a difference one week can make, but in the case of Rob Ford, it won't solve his problems..

Insect Heaven and Other Works of Art

There is no single antidote to the effects of living in the world. Everybody knows this, more or less, except for the lucky few who make a total escape into alcohol. But they pay their own price, and are forced to encounter the ghosts of their drunkenness at some point. So you take to looking around for distractions. There are all kinds, of course, distraction being the main industry of the world since time immemorial – distraction being at fault for a majority of atrocity, and interestingly enough being quite a lucrative market.

But I'm going a bit off course. There's not much I can do about it, to be honest. This is how the blog slops when it's a sloppy blog, and, as Bukowski put it, "...the shit shits." That's how you know he was ultimately, whatever his failings, a masterful poet. It's almost too easy to think the age of the raconteur is over, much like the era of the troubadour or the psychopomp. Although I know that more or less all of those industries are alive and kicking, though in a variety of new circumstances and costumes.

I do enjoy comics, though. It's more or less a casual thing, and I was recently talking to a peer who told me that he thought the comic was in decline. And I don't mean stand-up comic, you commie. I mean comic illustration – even a comic book though I haven't held one in at least a decade (and that one was probably shitty) – as in the type mostly found in the newspapers. You got Doonesbury and all kinds of excellent shit and there's also the somewhat weaker efforts that appear and you deal with it, because usually there's one or two good comics. My peer told me the newspaper associated comic was in decline because of readership loss and all that. And I told him there was even a small chance he was right, but that comics would do just fine on the internet.

Or if not 'just fine' something like 'surviving in a vivacious marketplace, nonetheless'. Look around at the minimum of one thousand webcomics. Dozens of them at any time have at least ten thousand followers. One of my favorite comics is Bizarro, which I used to read in the newspapers and now follow on line. Bizarro is a great and sometimes most excellent comic, not afraid of controversy and politically extremist – the perfect antidote to such sentimental nostrums, bromides, or distractions as Family Circus, or... For Better or Worse and I don't know, I stopped reading newspaper comics seriously years ago and now it's just a wasteland of inoffensive, reflexive pablum and reactionary nonsense, 'random' zany hijinks or dying comics you used to like.

There was great comic about Insect Heaven, and that kind of thing is exactly the sort of healthy distraction from the world that a comic is supposed to be. Instead of obeying a narrative, this is a sort of non sequituresque business with an excellent track-record of amusing, funny comics. Plus the author recently posted something about disconnecting from the 24/7 news cycle and kicking it on your own terms, which is an opinion I can assent to being broadcast via the internet, to anyone who cares to listen. In fact it should be announced from loudspeakers like all other truth, but that's another matter entirely, which only the government knows to solve.