Yeah Yeah...

For a minute or two yesterday it was almost possible to believe that Political Maverick Jack Layton was going to become a prime minister. There was this sense of optimism and energy, almost limitless, that something dynamic was finally going to happen in Canadian politics. Certain senior mandarins in parliament were already crying and cracking open priceless bottles of brandy.

Desperate operators roamed the streets of Canada in a last-ditch attempt to rustle up support for Harper and Ignatieff, each of whom were in their 'situation rooms' taking shots of maple syrup and shouting into microphones phrases such as (but not limited to): "Show me the votes!", "This isn't politics; it's a slaughter!", and my favorite of all time: "There's no time for the harmonium, just get the fuck out of Bridle Path!" Who even knows who they were talking to, but my guess is Prince.

Yes it sounded like the Liberals and Conservatives, after decades of dual-monopoly stranglehold over the Canadian Voter, were finally about to get a solid drumming for their misbehavior. Jack Layton had the image, had the poll numbers, had even half an ear among Quebeckers under the age of 35, had young voters countrywide, and just one final precipice to climb: the hearts and minds of Canada's most stubborn voters: knee-jerk Conservatives and habitual Liberals.


I remember being in a sports bar when I got a call on my phone. It was my local friendly political bookie, so I knew there was bad news afoot. I moved into the bathroom with a pad of paper and a pen. (Yes I can write while pissing, and often I do some light drinking at that time as well.)

"Well bud you hadda good eye with that hundred on Layton. Those'll be nice odds."

Well... I knew that, of course. The bookie was calling just to gloat, as if my bet were wasted money. Surely I was not the only person in the country who knew that Harper and Ignatieff lacked any of Layton's panache. The two combined would only come up to Layton's shoulder, but the public was notoriously fickle about that monopoly. It was just like the Bell/Rogers division, all over again: a free market ruled by oppressed slaves with no choice in the matter.

"You asshole," I grumbled in reply, "This thing isn't finished yet. Wait till they bring out that story about Harper's pet dog. Wait till Don Cherry tells 'em who to vote for. Wait till the fear vote comes in, you asshole, and then you go place another smug call."

The darkest times are still ahead, even if most of the votes have already been cast. In this country you learn quick which types of hope to entertain, and Layton – while apparently dynamic in the poll numbers – has roughly the same static set of policies as Harper or Ignatieff. Very little, if anything about this election season has given anyone real visions of grandeur. We like it that way, though, in Canada.

The fact that all three politicians are playing the exact same game means that poll numbers this close are expected. It's a shrewd move by each party to not differentiate too much, which forces anyone interested in casting an aware and responsible vote to do their research. None of the TV ads and very little of the last 8 months of political behavior have given anybody much reason to vote for anyone.

Then today dawned and everyone was still pretty sure that it would end like this, regardless of Political Maverick Jack Layton: Conservative minority government, with a few ridings traded to the NDP. And if there is any justice at all in this land, Elizabeth May will get a seat in parliament. We're too close to the final breakdown for any sort of one sided rhetoric: the Conservatives played the same weak-tea card as the Liberals, down to the Family Politics, and the NDP aped them relentlessly, even though they knew better.

Nobody's going to get whipped like the family mule, there are none but vague promises to break, and odds are the game will end in another useless tragedy.