User Comment Rodeo: Generation Text; Its Detractors and Malcontents

A recent CBC article claims a few things so startlingly obvious that the sound of a gong ought to be looped over it. The findings demonstrated, and you might want to sit down for this one, that people who texted more (don't sweat, the breakpoint is 200 + texts) often tended to be less thoughtful than those who didn't. Also among the findings was the gem that the 200+ text club was (30%) more likely to be fixated on "wealth and image than an ethical life". Now, as unsurprising as this study's conclusions are, they are of limited truth.

Firstly, only teenagers or immature adults can actually muster up the energy to text more than 100 times a day. Yet I can be surprised by texting culture. At 15 seconds per text, 100 texts would only require a time investment of 25 minutes. Scale that any way you want, and remember that serial texters are quick, and it's easy to conclude that a serial texter can text 400+ times a day and still have lots of time left over to socialize 'face to face' (oh shit, that term is going to get worn out in the next few years). This 'texting' business, which is correctly SMSing business, has for many years now been a cultural crisis in the making. We all stepped in it with full confidence, so now we get to suffer it. Suffer the outrageous extremes of an increasingly dim and unfunny era.

You can already see what kind of User Comment Rodeo it's going to be. The best kind. Because you know the ageists, the trolls, the dickweeds, the self-described experts, the geniuses – in short the whole, illiterate, unwashed, entitled, self-satisfied mass of the public – is going to unable to prevent themselves from puking their word nonsense onto this story like tainted cocktail shrimp at a bad house party. Listen up, I know that serial texters are often total wankers. I understood years ago that they lacked the self-reflection expected of a great ape, dolphin, or crow. Don't forget that this study is biased: note that it focused on first year students. Don't buy into the hype without thinking critically about it first. First year students are so rarely aware of themselves that the study is unfair and biased. It stooped for low-hanging fruit when there are plenty of studies that can judge the adult narcissist sociopaths in business, finance, and politics.

But enough of my ado about nothing; let's have others' ado about nothing:

The cream of the crop, my friends. These posts were not only so good that some people voted for them, but upwards of 200 votes were cast per comment. Can you spot the deafening irony? Should I even bother? Instead, bring your attention to the post by the user named 'bootselectric'. Oh, how the point is missed. The biggest cop-out, btw, is getting fired by text message. That shit actually happens. Oh and nobody 'embraces their lives' around anything. Anyways, all of these posts (worthless activities on a worthless medium - yes I understand the height of irony that is my acknowledging this) were voted for more than 200 times. Irony.

AGEISM! That one guy probably speaks to youth 'all the time', and he probably doesn't realize he's talking at them and that's why they look away and answer with monosyllables. Newsflash: sulky teens did almost the same thing in the 80s. Newsflash: sulky teens were doing that same shit since forever, without smartphones. Newsflash: adults do it too. My god, but above all we still have this self-important irony about 'online' communication. I don't know, and yeah I used to hang out with people who spent more time on their phones than with me, so I didn't hang out with them so much, and didn't view it as the overarching narrative of my generation. Why? Because I'm not a stupid fuck, and I will never stop hoping that others can learn to stop being stupid fucks.

Oh shiiit! People be droppin' knowledge bombs! Things be escalatin', you! Embrace your worldview around these truth nuggets:

It's almost heartrending. I mean, if you were to take any of this seriously. Brevity and concision are becoming a de facto property of the stupid, according to the thoughtless conclusions of the half-baked. Meanwhile everyone looks stupid. It is the season for... exceptionalism and judgement.

Oh Christ. If schools can't even teach English or math, how are they going to teach socializing for dummies? We must be doomed. People who text a lot aren't reading the news, but this point will be lost on the people who ALSO don't think about anything but the inbred truth residing inside their skull. Not only that, but their sense of righteous disgust is premised on a biased study that any thoughtful person would consider less indicative of, say, all of society. This is what happens after decades of failed education. At least we teach the weak-minded to read these days... that's a good thing, right?

Another, that nearly killed me, featuring a really old joke you may remember from other stupid comments around the web:

Cement truck: get it? Suckers don't look up from their gadgets! Goofy kids that are just literally dumber than squirrels or cats! But look, ho, in the middle? Is that DIPSHIT POETRY I espy? Why yes! Inspire me, o muddle-brained Poet, to make an indie poptronica band called 'The Young Texting Students'! We'll go triple-platinum before you ever publish a poem, or finish school, for that matter. O! The broad picture, brought to us by the non-sheeple individualist freethinker! O, but he shall not be dragged against his will without first saying his part about 'the herd'...

I apologize for all the double, triple, even quadruple-post screengrabs. Big chunks of stupid. I'm lazy. Here's one final, brilliant post. It combines the best features of the premier level of chronic online commenter - self-regarded expert, unconscious ageism/discrimination, expressions of exceptionalist understanding and oversight, paranoia, hopeless prospects, negative nancy, politically oblivious, suspicious, self-righteous, smarter than the 'herd'. Clearly, but for generally different reasons than idiots believe, we are doomed. Remember to laugh and enjoy yourself on the way down!