The Overdue Watch_Dogs 2 Review Nobody Asked For

Capturing the zeitgeist of the mid 2010s is a tough prospect. The indy music revolution was dying, dubstep was a joke, EDM had finished merging with top 40 pop, the problems of the 2000s were almost far enough the past that you couldn't reasonably get angry about them anymore, and data was the biggest business there was. 

Computers were interwoven into everything so that everyone was finally using them, generating reams of data that could either save us from ourselves or sell us deeper into consumerist bondage, and moreover, the biggest developing narrative was how computer companies were controlling and selling user data.

That ongoing story, by now, sometimes seems so old as to be quaint. Occasionally the embers of resentment are fanned back into flame by documentaries or particular revelations, but the terms of service are often a trifling speedbump in using anything digital. The majority of us have welcomed the digital world with a weird blend of weary mistrust and gee-whiz enthusiasm.

We pay our personal data sacrifice so we can access the bonanza of the digital frontier, and mountains of e-waste are the new burgeoning concern. Each electric car that's saving the world's atmosphere has other steep environmental and social costs which it's profitable to downplay... and all those chips put into disposable products end up in landfills.

2016 was a busy year, with many alarming events, during which I still posted on this blog (but with a decreasing semi-regularity), but it also brought the world the underappreciated open world hacking game Watch_Dogs 2, which was almost immediately (and if you consider No Man's Sky, unfairly) overshadowed by pretty much every other title from 2016.

It was the sequel to a much-maligned game I never played. In 2020, I got a free copy from the Epic Games Store, which wouldn't install through that launcher, so I had to delete the package from my pitifully overcrowded SSD, then install it through Ubisoft Connect. I wasn't off to a good start, but I was in the mood for some open-world hacking excitement. 

Watch_Dogs 2 mostly delivered on the excitement and the hacking, with some interesting and welcome surprises, and some expected shortcomings. Want to read a big ass review that nobody asked for about one of the least-talked-about games of 2016? Then you've come to the right blog!

The Verge of Uncanny Valley

Facebook but with a dislike button. Twitter but you get to throw tweets into a virtual shredder and retweet the results. Youtube but comments cannot be prohibited and confer privileges based on amount of likes or coherent length. More review systems and as much user based content as possible, and also there must be media sensationalism. Soundcloud but with a built in editor and sampler, and a healthy amount of effects. Reddit but with upvote XP systems. RPG social media events, with PR interlacing and exciting, meaningful marketing opportunities. Viral IRL games arrays, spanning years and maybe even decades. Pure madness. The distance from one to another is growing, and getting in the middle is the biggest business of all; get in on the ground floor of the first business to dictate human thought, which will be bought by Google for billions. Log in and meet the new gods. There's an app for that. Material world a quaint place peopled by the offline troglodytes, infants, and the non-digital elderly.

Deeper into the collective subconsciousness all the while assured of individuality and rugged independence. Too good to give it up and too obviously fucked up to care. Living in the shadows of an ever-twitching and surreal world. Spastic shadows and half-formed exclamations. People who can't take jokes and people who can't stop making them, both uniting to ruin the moment. Uneasy words from agitated people. More data every second than can be processed in a human lifetime. Everything is under control, believe us. There is a number too big to fit into the known universe, and we are chasing it for no other reason than to crowd ourselves out. We are edging towards an eternal dream state, towards a hyped self destruction, into the darkness of the final delusions.

Pretentious shit from idiots, too, and pretty much absolutely as far as the eye can see or ear can hear. Why won't the voices stop, right? They don't appear to even consider your objections for a moment before saying some other thing, or a thing related to it logically. Or is it the appearance of logic, worn as a cloak over a disingenuous appeal to base instinct? Then, to add injury to insult, other voices begin to chatter nonstop about the things the first order voices said. A chorus grows in the uncanny valley of the present, a maelstrom of misinformation and ignorance grows and risks everything and stupefies the remainder. Dangerous ideas curl in the air like toxic smoke. Plumes of oil, plastic, radiation and particulates in the air will sustain the next apex lifeform... our Frankenstein will sail among the stars and tell exaggerated tales about its creators.