Blog Writing Guide 2012

First of all, in the spirit of a grand joke, I wholeheartedly encourage you to take up blogging. Blogging is a plodding, shoddy habit that some people are paid for, which is a shameful thing in and of itself. The trick is to be famous, make things up, or attempt to be as faultlessly abrasive as possible. Really if you do all three, add in your perquisite dosage of edgy attitude and snappy writing, you can possibly get one thousand views in less than twenty-four hours. You ask in despair, "But how does one do such a thing?" I have the answer ready, but you'll not like this medicine at all. It's the blog writing guide 2012.

Welcome to the new year. Now tell me in as few words as possible: how do you feel about it? Congratulations: you have your first blog post, and fittingly enough it is tweet-length for cross-publication. If it's catchy enough in some way it could become a meme or, better yet, a book deal. But as always, there is a hangover/honeymoon effect: that trick may not pay off twice. Where in hell does a blog go? What would you do if your name and your blog somehow become connected years down the line, and your children begin to laugh while you eat a joyless breakfast?

Those may be important questions, but in the spirit of guidance I have laboured for hours to provide some helpful hints about blogging in This Year, 2012. One such hint is to never use capslock unless you're making a snide call about the internet. So always check your capslock situation before you begin to blog beautifully into the vapid void of the internet.

The above image illustrates a point. It helps to have abstract imagery to understand how to judge blogs, and that one, which cost me twenty-five cents of internet currency, roughly represents my blog. Other blogs do not need abstracts because they have positive branding such as logos and merchandise. Can you even begin to imagine your life after merchandise? You will be able to afford three sandwiches and a beer each day – or an installment plan on a brand new guitar, which you can then blog about.

Internetting Et Cetera

I want this blog to succeed but I also always want to throw a few curses into it. Then again when you curse and swear you alienate a certain amount of the population who have neither a sense of humour nor a sense of opprobrium. I mean a proper sense of opprobrium, which means not writing off the vulgar for the simple reason that it makes you uncomfortable. Some opprobrium is rightfully shunned, and other types are funny. I have no examples but a good fart joke goes a long way to settling who understands humour and who is afraid of scatology.

A while ago I read something by Douglas Coupland, in a newspaper (a good liberal intellectual paper, and yes I read newspapers), in which he describes "The Red Queen's Blog"  as a concept that, the more someone 'races onto one's blog to assert one's uniqueness, the more generic one becomes'. I am paraphrasing somewhat, but that's what he means. This is an important statement but Coupland is becoming a bit derivative.

In other news, well you no doubt know your own news, so I don't have to write about that. I just celebrated Canadian Thanksgiving for the umpteenth time, and it gets a bit better each year even as the weather gets crazier. I almost got hit by lightning, to the point where I heard it sizzle the raindrops around me. That's my bit of personal revelation for today's post.

Coupland's blog post in the newspaper was important to read. It was titled "The Radical Pessimist's Guide to the Next Ten Years" and covered a range of important things that are worth considering even if you don't believe in pessimism or the future. Maybe I'll delve into it and post some more things here, assuming that's not a form of intellectual piracy (but how could it be when I acknowledge that it's Coupland's). Basically it was all 'bout the depersonalization and alienation and internetization of our so-called era. I wonder if Coupland has a twitter account? I will research this...

I did promise some dwellings on the Best Things of the Internet and I mean to follow through on that, even though it happened a year ago or more. The first thing I'll list is "Web of Trust" or WoT, at this link, which you can click/see for yourself.
 The important thing is that you can type in any website address into the bar on the WoT site and then it will show you how the internet feels about that page. A lot of bad pages are given good ratings, probably because the bad page operators are ganking the WoT site, but the comments usually are balanced out with truthful and concerned internet judgements. If you enjoy finding new sites or free video of whatever (which is illegal and shouldn't be done) and try to keep your computer in good condition, this site is pretty useful. Of course you could install script blockers and security software, but that takes more work than copying and pasting an web-address into a website to tell you if it's trustworthy. 


Spoiler alert: most websites are pretty shady.

Canned Soup

Personally, I've never had a can of soup I particularly agree with, and my quest for good canned soup continues. Welcome to my Blog, and I am Anonymous Bosch, and if you let me I will create spectacular vistas of invented and existing things and try my best to justify the existence of the internet. Of course, justifying the existence of the internet is not a solitary mission, so I will also present the Best Things of the Internet, as I see them. Or maybe not, and I will just be a bitter, judgmental internet spectator. Even if that happens, it will be funny, written professionally – and anonymous, so that nobody will have to feel bad for an internet loser.