The Canadian Political Situation as of March 27, 2011

There are a shit ton of things I could blog about in this apocalyptic month. Shit I could even go the frivolous route and write about something that happened to me, or what I think of a recent movie, or Charlie Sheen. I got a good Charlie Sheen joke I'm holding onto for the first anniversary of the BP Oil Spill of 2010. I think I could write three parts about snow melting. I could even do another off-colour joke about school shootings.

But I'm going to dial it back a little and give everyone some breathing space whilst I write speciously about the political situation in Ottawa, Canada. With so much trouble in the world, it's only right that I do what the US MEDIA does relentlessly and contextualize it in the candy-coloured terms of geopolitics.

The effortless government of Stephen Harper finally rolled into the rough last week; parliament was dissolved, and the thing Canadians feared most (an election) finally rose out of the slightly toxic, slightly oily, slightly radioactive water of Canadian politics. What kicked it all off was a budget bill nobody agreed with, which led to slightly bemused finance minister who took it not at all personally saying that only time would tell.

If you ask any Canadian on the street, especially if they're unmarried and under the age of 30, they'll tell you they know nothing about the situation at all. Who could blame those fools for not caring about how their country is managed? Sorry, anybody who's lived under a repressive regime: things are so good in Canada that we can afford the fatal luxury of political apathy. Under these conditions it's pretty easy to see how professional politicians could shake up an election season out of nowhere: with strife and struggle raging all over the world, they just wanted a piece of the action.

I've seen ministers out on the streets begging for lights and spare cigarettes. Tim Hortons franchises are packed with political bookies offering huge odds on Jack Layton. Oil-hungry representatives and death-lobbyists from other parts of the world are getting away with murder in the capitol while obscure backbenchers search for their parking passes. The RCMP is letting anybody into parliament who agrees to adjust their pay to 2011 levels. Michael Ignatieff looked considerably smug earlier this week, but I saw him a few minutes ago with a pained expression on his face, as if his earlier enthusiasm was but an act.

Meanwhile, Harper made the most intelligent comment of the month when he alluded to the fact that 'most Canadians do not want an election'. Sure, a small portion of politically literate Canadians balked at the idea that he had the gall to speak for them, but the rest of us are not very impressed by this year's lineup. Also he was right. We preferred complaining about the Conservatives and the fact that we were the first country on earth to have a robot as our leader.

In terms of betting it is far too early to make an half-decent wager. The smart money has not been placed yet, but by mid-April we will wish we had done this last year, and sullenly bet on Blue, again, out of sheer spite.