A bunch of people in conflict are dying and the first, most natural response is to pick your side and demonize the other. That was cool in World War II when there was a 'right' side to pick, but World War II and the weird days that followed set the world up for a lot of misery. It's pretty surprising to me as well, but one of the big takeaways from studying history is that humanity is great at holding grievances and using them as twisted and sick raison d'etre. So I'm pretty fucking tired, not of the people who see themselves as wronged and want to find the most violent and counterproductive solutions (though they are as exasperating as crying children on a flight, or schoolyard bullies, or Jihadis, or Zionists - what's the diff, really?), but of the commentators for whom it is a sport to make one side seem more wronged and the other more evil. Ignorant people step into this and even the wisest among us can only look on sadly and wish for a speedy return to normalcy, where only 50-90 people die every year from this particular shitshow.
Nobody's right, everyone's a goddamn asshole, and if I had any power at all I would salt the more contested parts of the Levant so liberally that everybody had to get the hell out, and napalm would discourage the hardier dissenters, followed by low flybys with extremely dilute chlorine gas until every living thing had caught the idea. Then I would build a wall around it and keep everyone out, and if I caught people sneaking back in I would irradiate the whole thing so that it would have to be abandoned, and people would have to give up their crazy, outdated, offensively made up shit which tells them it's okay to pitch fits, murder others, and basically act like it's 1359 B.C.
If we can't have nice things like myths, and big old useless cities filled with the bloody residue of bible stories and twisted histories that turn us into murderous savages, then it is time to destroy the myths. If Millenialists get angry, so much the better. If it's considered anti-Zionist than I don't know what to tell you except oy-fucking-vey. If it's anti-Muslim I am going to pretend it's not ludicrous for THAT to be the breaking point in the struggle. Maybe I'm a zionihadi for peace and there is no better option than to take away the toy the kids are fighting over and getting hurt about. It's time that this species grows the fuck up, and lately we've been very extremely fucking ignorant about a lot of important things, and very greedy, and very uncooperative, and extremely self-centered (unless we're unthinkingly demonizing whole groups of people on others' behalf). If you think this is O.K. then I have a whole world of misery and hatred and slavery to show you. Selling the dumbest possible reactionary narratives is the new game, but it's actually the old game, and whether you're lib or con (believing in these arbitrary and distracting dramas, ignoring truth to feel self-fulfillment - I really hate that) there should be a certain level of decency so that we don't all degrade into shouting matches and talking over each other with factoids and anecdotes.
I really hate the commentators. Not all of them, but the worst of the bunch are so malicious and so invested in explaining the situation as if they were there, are omniscient, and really understand what's going on. We all understand WHY but we do not know HOW/WHAT quite as well, and anyone who pretends otherwise is either a senior Hamas or Israeli official, or a fucking goddamned piece of shit who ought to shut the fuck up and go back to commentating on why an effective tax rate is a burden on capitalism, or why factory farming is excusable, or why exceptionalism is healthy for national character. While we're at it: fuck nationalism of all kinds, that has literally never ended well and if we don't learn from that... we'll have to learn that expensive and wasteful and stupid lesson again, I guess, because we're not good students of anything that doesn't make us rich or respected. Well leave me out of it. Go back to hell and let this world slip into doom without your misleading bullshit turning friend against friend, turning me against almost everyone with an opinion who doesn't have family in the game, and making me want to commit felony level libel on everyone with a big & ignorant mouth. Shut up and stay shut up, because nothing you do is even trying to be helpful.
You can't even call it news anymore. Just shut the fuck up. Let them ruin it further... after all what the fuck did anyone ever do for Syria? Fuck.
Showing posts with label bottle episode. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bottle episode. Show all posts
7/17/13
Under the Dome: The Newest, Dumbest TV Adaptation Miniseries
I haven't read the Stephen King book Under The Dome, but I got the idea it was like The Stand in length and mildly interesting in its content. Mind you, I haven't so much as read even the critic blurbs about the book, so I'm really guessing what it is like. Recently a miniseries adaptation of the book premiered. I watched the first episode and almost immediately it was apparent that this would be a great study in TV as the Dumbest Form of Entertainment (which I know is particularly a Cantankerous Old Fellow and Pessimist discipline, but I do concur with it on many points). Within five minutes, a hyped sequence involving The Dome coming down around the small town of Chesterfield or whatever leads to a cow being split in half... the best part is that the cow is depicted as being a mass of undifferentiated flesh, as if your given cow in a field were made of 100% American AA grade steaks, and little else. This is basically the execution and guiding philosophy behind the show, as I understand it, and its greatest symbol. Send the anatomists!
I don't know if it was pure stupidity, pure laziness, or pure necessity which led to this hilariously maladroit example of cartoon special effects, but it gets better. The writing is atrocious. The characters are like what you'd expect in a Stephen King novel if he were currently a self-publishing erotica/mystery/fanfic author – or in really bad television. The plot, if it is reasonably close to the novel's (I hope not for King's sake) is itself a good barometer that Under the Dome as a novel is 1000+ pages of tedium: a mini-dome for your mind to suffer in while you fill the time between plot developments and intrigue. This miniseries is going to be a third-or-fourth-rate Lost, except as a miniseries it will waste less of everyone's time.
In television miniseries adaptation the book works out to this: little bit of characterization, then plot device is introduced, then show sputters about trying to create action and tension... then it becomes a huge bottle episode. A massive bottle episode, possibly the biggest and dumbest one ever attempted. In a way, one might even consider this art, not in a sneering 'populist vein' way – but as a true statement from this weird consumeristic world, where a cow being made entirely of ground beef is just this side of believable, and won't get an FX artist fired, or anger the censors (who as always are right on point: what really matters in a show where a guy's pacemaker explodes out of his chest is that the cow being split in two doesn't get too realistic or gruesome for primetime, but somehow remain cartoonish enough to get views).
I don't know why I am watching. Part of me thinks you need to eat a lot of shit (a.k.a - consume lots of mass media entertainment) before you can try selling your own. You got to get the spirit of the times right, and TV is still a grand social barometer, if a bit sterilized. It beats the internet, which can warp a person's perception of reality in bizarre and monotonous ways. But, to continue with the matter at hand, I am watching Under the Dome, and it is fucked. It's going to go down in history as a dumb bastard and, sometimes, amidst the ridiculous dialogue and illogical plot points, I enjoy it. (Eating shit. Gross. I really ought to rethink some things.)
My favorite part so far happens in the fourth episode, where a character who is supposedly a doctor or person with creditable medical knowledge tells a boy that an EEG machine "measures the electronic activity in your brain". A statement so broadly incorrect and dumb, so baldly and ridiculously wrong, that it got me to make this blog post about a TV miniseries in 2013. This show must be written by the texts of high school drop-outs. Fact-checking must have been outsourced to Antarctic Gerbils. It's insane. It sets a great tone for a show which may, despite its best intentions to be generic and dull, become a sleeper comedy of errors. If I look at it just right, it's the best comedy on a mainstream network all year: it got me to laugh out loud. There are all kinds of social commentary going on in this show: like how kids use smartphones (but only to take pictures of themselves right!?), or how everyone is secretly cripplingly irrational. This show has the self awareness of an invisible teenager and the attention span of a troubled child. It will never be glorious. Alas, we hardly knew it...
I don't know if it was pure stupidity, pure laziness, or pure necessity which led to this hilariously maladroit example of cartoon special effects, but it gets better. The writing is atrocious. The characters are like what you'd expect in a Stephen King novel if he were currently a self-publishing erotica/mystery/fanfic author – or in really bad television. The plot, if it is reasonably close to the novel's (I hope not for King's sake) is itself a good barometer that Under the Dome as a novel is 1000+ pages of tedium: a mini-dome for your mind to suffer in while you fill the time between plot developments and intrigue. This miniseries is going to be a third-or-fourth-rate Lost, except as a miniseries it will waste less of everyone's time.
In television miniseries adaptation the book works out to this: little bit of characterization, then plot device is introduced, then show sputters about trying to create action and tension... then it becomes a huge bottle episode. A massive bottle episode, possibly the biggest and dumbest one ever attempted. In a way, one might even consider this art, not in a sneering 'populist vein' way – but as a true statement from this weird consumeristic world, where a cow being made entirely of ground beef is just this side of believable, and won't get an FX artist fired, or anger the censors (who as always are right on point: what really matters in a show where a guy's pacemaker explodes out of his chest is that the cow being split in two doesn't get too realistic or gruesome for primetime, but somehow remain cartoonish enough to get views).
I don't know why I am watching. Part of me thinks you need to eat a lot of shit (a.k.a - consume lots of mass media entertainment) before you can try selling your own. You got to get the spirit of the times right, and TV is still a grand social barometer, if a bit sterilized. It beats the internet, which can warp a person's perception of reality in bizarre and monotonous ways. But, to continue with the matter at hand, I am watching Under the Dome, and it is fucked. It's going to go down in history as a dumb bastard and, sometimes, amidst the ridiculous dialogue and illogical plot points, I enjoy it. (Eating shit. Gross. I really ought to rethink some things.)
My favorite part so far happens in the fourth episode, where a character who is supposedly a doctor or person with creditable medical knowledge tells a boy that an EEG machine "measures the electronic activity in your brain". A statement so broadly incorrect and dumb, so baldly and ridiculously wrong, that it got me to make this blog post about a TV miniseries in 2013. This show must be written by the texts of high school drop-outs. Fact-checking must have been outsourced to Antarctic Gerbils. It's insane. It sets a great tone for a show which may, despite its best intentions to be generic and dull, become a sleeper comedy of errors. If I look at it just right, it's the best comedy on a mainstream network all year: it got me to laugh out loud. There are all kinds of social commentary going on in this show: like how kids use smartphones (but only to take pictures of themselves right!?), or how everyone is secretly cripplingly irrational. This show has the self awareness of an invisible teenager and the attention span of a troubled child. It will never be glorious. Alas, we hardly knew it...
 |
| 'Ok, Johnny Kidd, your brain is showing normal levels of electronic activity, what this means is that we don't know about this mystery of the dome at all, but we don't yet know if it even IS the dome so stay tuned while we whittle the device down into something underwhelming so we can keep telling human stories, like yours, getting your electronic brain activity levels checked, by me: a lesbian woman trapped in Small Town America with my wife and child all because of a Mysterious Dome...' |
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