I suppose it wouldn't surprise many people to know that I, a sloppy blogger, consider myself, by a wide margin, the worst person I know. I guess I could take the optimist's way out and say that I'm blessed to know a lot of good people and fortunate enough to not be surrounded by shitty people, which is why I'm the worst. I guess that's a way I could take this.
But I won't, of course. Because I'm the worst person I know. Do I relish it? I might. Have I made it a bad mental habit to consider myself unfavorably to basically everyone I know? Definitely. I find myself increasingly unable to come up with a positive narrative of my life. I suppose that's one of the good habits people make - they either do better or lie to themselves. But I'm a person who once spent a month getting drunk for some vague reason that probably started with boredom and regressed into self destruction. Oh, sure, I took time off of drinking, but not because I'm a good person.
There are many factors that made me consider myself a bad person. But to start I can point out an easy one: look at the self-indulgent way this entire blog is written. I hardly cater to the audience and when I do actually discuss something interesting it's generally a ponderous affair written in haste and dread of fading inspiration. Many of the postings here meander outrageously. I hardly make solid efforts to post regularly, or informatively, and all my good intentions of tightening up the prose and throwing in some nice images evaporated.
In real life, you will have to imagine, I am just as careless. To be honest I don't know how I continue to exist. At one time it all seemed easy to me, then it seemed incredibly strange and unthinkable to survive in a world filled with death and misery and exploitation, and now it just seems surreal that I'm around. I realize we all make our little steps in life, some of us at a quicker pace, and some of us to a surer destination, but I have mostly just stumbled around blindly stepping on people's toes and sometimes colliding into them.
I once made a light-hearted joke about amputation (it involved pirates of course) as I was in conversation with an amputated soldier. I have smoked in the vicinity of children, even babies. I kicked my own dog once. I've smashed bottles since I was a teenager, more than is acceptable. Many of the worse things I've done in my life (to others) were done many years ago, but they haunt me.
Apathy is what's ruined me now. Undoubtedly, the months and weeks between updates on this blog are a testament to the depth of my ability to keep my mind focused and sharp on the goal of becoming a great writer whose entertaining prose and keen insight make for a spellbinding read.
Right? I'm not going to get into the lack of productivity or how my personal life tends to go. Not now, anyway.
No comments:
Post a Comment