12/5/13

Attack of the Unkillable Time Killer

Flash games are a pretty mixed bag. All the benefits of casual gaming paired with the feel-good impetus of wasting time. It's pretty great until you hit one of those bullshit games (and there are many) that are not just tough but potentially unbalanced... then your time killing comes to an end, because you're either not good enough or the game is just plain turd flavor bullshit. I've played plenty of games whose presentation was awful, whose gameplay was too simple and easy to be worthwhile, and whose English was execrable, but one game that manages to get all that right still manages to

I just got finished with what I consider an unbeatable level in a TD that otherwise seemed pretty cool. I tried all kinds of things to beat the level. I abused the powers, tried using different arrangements of towers, and in the final rounds wasn't even getting as far as on my first try. 'Bullshit' I thought, "Fuck this game, whoever made it are either savants at TD games, sadistic, had a very specific strategy in mind, or plain didn't test the fucking thing. Fucking little dinosaur shits." because I was quite angry that I couldn't kill time in as casual a manner as I am comfortable with. I don't want to just breeze through, but the difficulty curve can't spike all at once.

I've played games I'm fairly sure are broken before. Sometimes there's a good split of things that are broken in your favor and you can continue. Sometimes I blame the game for being broken when I can't beat it like when I'm getting hadoukened to death or other ridiculous things are happening like getting swarmed by bastards in a TD that was until that point fairly challenging but not ridiculous. Anyone who has played too many TDs knows automatically when they've lost long before it happens. I borderline hate that game right down to the cutesy graphics and absolutely wrong paleontological context. I actually hate nothing about it, but it has bested me and that makes me angry.

Listen, here's the challenge I want to lay down. If anyone can beat Dino Assault TD with a perfect rating (which I don't think is easy since it's got multiple pain in the ass levels) you win. I doubt anyone would willingly do so, since there is so much bullshit you need to overcome just to beat the second chapter (full disclosure: I never reached the third chapter). The towers all cost more than they're worth, the powers are outrageously useless and weak, and the enemies are plentiful and resilient. To the developers: you win. Probably you didn't balance the game enough, though, because it's hard as week-old shit. I generally stop trying when it's apparent you are scornful of your audience and actively want them to lose.

Dino Assault isn't even slightly close to the gold standards of flash TD games (Cursed Treasure series by IriySoft). It could be... it's got a difficulty curve that is appealing at first and then casually leaves you behind as if you're a dummy who should know the exact combinations of overpriced towers and split-second skill spamming required to win.

Whoever manages to achieve a perfect victory with evidence will be king of the loser online-TD time killer crowd, and I will crown them with a title so splendorous that it will almost not be shameful. Then again, I doubt many people exist who can do it and I seriously doubt those who can read this blog. The offer stands until 9 December 2013, 12:00 GMT. I gave up: I can't waste more than a half hour on level or I know I'm no longer killing, but instead wasting, time.

Update: I get drawn back in, anyway of course.  The war against productivity is never truly won, and frequently makes me look (and feel) like a foolish idiot.

Second Update: While I was playing this I was ignoring Kingdom Rush 2, which is actually a great comparison point for non-bullshit difficulty curves and better game design. Note that I think Dino Assault is 'good' but far out of the league of officially recognized excellency.

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