Canada's 2021 COVID-19 Special Edition Snap Election

It's the big day in Canada this September 20th, 2021, as voters decide who will govern the nation through whatever the next years have in store. Oh yeah, and there's a big pandemic. And literally everyone is going crazy. There's anger, bitterness, and increasingly unhinged people all over the streets, the internet comment sections, the sidewalks outside of hospitals and the sidewalks outside of restaurants. Trudeau got gravel thrown at him, and a lot of abuse, at several campaign stops. Libraries aren't even safe. People are getting run over on the side of the road, like animals. The stakes have never been higher, and yet nobody knows what the hell, and even the smart money's confused.

When Prime Minister Justin Trudeau called for an election mere weeks (was it weeks? really?) ago there was a collective late-summer sigh in the air, as Canadians of all political stripes wondered why the hell he couldn't wait until after the global pandemic had subsided a bit more. The last election was only two years ago, in October 2019, which feels like a million years ago, so there's strategies at play here that most won't be able to grasp until the dust settles. The reason Trudeau called the election? To cement a legacy that his backers hope will keep Canada on the path forward... to the future! For everyone! (We have our doubts, too.)

Four Lessons Learned in the 2015 Canadian Election Cycle

With nine days to go and advance polling taking place this weekend, it's a perfect time to look back on a strangely muted, bloated, and distracted election season. Will there be a revival of youth voting? Will the Conservative Party of Canada, despite dozens of instances of bad-faith governance, retake the majority? Will apathy win? Is there any hope for Canada to break out of mediocrity and return to something of prominence and respectability in the global arena? Find out in this loosely researched, kind of lazy blog post!

1. It's Easy to Hijack and Distort Public Debate (Whoa)

If anything, the Niqab Discussion went so far out of bounds that it summoned such specters as Terrorists, Terrorism, Al-Qaeda, ISIL/ISIS/DAESH, and the shooting death of one corporal and vehicular death of a warrant officer in 2014... it brought out the absolute worst in mainstream, main street Canadian thought about international policy and immigration and hasn't stopped. If the operators of political discourse wanted to steer attention away from Conservative misdeeds, they succeeded admirably. Even people I spoke to (in various bars) who 'don't give a shit' and 'couldn't' bring this up as a reason for voting conservative or abstaining completely.

The Verge of Uncanny Valley

Facebook but with a dislike button. Twitter but you get to throw tweets into a virtual shredder and retweet the results. Youtube but comments cannot be prohibited and confer privileges based on amount of likes or coherent length. More review systems and as much user based content as possible, and also there must be media sensationalism. Soundcloud but with a built in editor and sampler, and a healthy amount of effects. Reddit but with upvote XP systems. RPG social media events, with PR interlacing and exciting, meaningful marketing opportunities. Viral IRL games arrays, spanning years and maybe even decades. Pure madness. The distance from one to another is growing, and getting in the middle is the biggest business of all; get in on the ground floor of the first business to dictate human thought, which will be bought by Google for billions. Log in and meet the new gods. There's an app for that. Material world a quaint place peopled by the offline troglodytes, infants, and the non-digital elderly.

Deeper into the collective subconsciousness all the while assured of individuality and rugged independence. Too good to give it up and too obviously fucked up to care. Living in the shadows of an ever-twitching and surreal world. Spastic shadows and half-formed exclamations. People who can't take jokes and people who can't stop making them, both uniting to ruin the moment. Uneasy words from agitated people. More data every second than can be processed in a human lifetime. Everything is under control, believe us. There is a number too big to fit into the known universe, and we are chasing it for no other reason than to crowd ourselves out. We are edging towards an eternal dream state, towards a hyped self destruction, into the darkness of the final delusions.

Pretentious shit from idiots, too, and pretty much absolutely as far as the eye can see or ear can hear. Why won't the voices stop, right? They don't appear to even consider your objections for a moment before saying some other thing, or a thing related to it logically. Or is it the appearance of logic, worn as a cloak over a disingenuous appeal to base instinct? Then, to add injury to insult, other voices begin to chatter nonstop about the things the first order voices said. A chorus grows in the uncanny valley of the present, a maelstrom of misinformation and ignorance grows and risks everything and stupefies the remainder. Dangerous ideas curl in the air like toxic smoke. Plumes of oil, plastic, radiation and particulates in the air will sustain the next apex lifeform... our Frankenstein will sail among the stars and tell exaggerated tales about its creators.

Rob Ford is Not a Damn Thing Like Chris Farley

Yes it's pretty tempting if you're trying to hack out a monologue or are a pretty half-assed funny-person, but Chris Farley wasn't a Canadian and also was much cooler than Rob Ford. Moreover it is suggested by his death that Farley partied a damn sight harder than Rob Ford. People who remember their history or know something about drug abuse will agree. Crack use seems pretty bad but it's more or less just a variety of cocaine use, mixing cocaine and heroin (the notorious speedball) is next-level shit by comparison, a gift from twisted space angels that wish nothing but death on celebrities (and probably thousands of 'normal people' that you never heard of). I heard a few of these supposedly humorous comparisons and I have to say, I'm about as unimpressed as a Toronto homeowner or businessman.

Rob Ford obviously parties harder than the majority of people ever do, but it is... come on... it's a bit of a smaller league than Chris Farley. Crack cocaine has a certain wow factor that just makes the entire story that much more crazy and appealing to most people.

Anecdotally, in 2009 a Canadian conservative MP, Rahim Jaffer, was caught with powder cocaine and I swear to you now that it was not mentioned on probably all international media. [Is there an international CPAC that isn't also moonlighting as a propaganda front for the U.N.? Maybe they would carry it.] Even in Canada it was a small potatoes story that was quickly hushed away and forgotten. Most Canadians, if you asked them about Rahim Jaffer, would give you a blank stare. Meanwhile, around the world you can bring up Rob Ford for a quick talking point or laugh. The point is that crack is just a much bigger story than cocaine, despite being the same drug. Yeah, there's other factors which influence the size and longevity of this story, but...

There are better stories at this point, and the usual suspects are having a field day with Rob Ford when they could be doing more original or funnier jokes. Back in May it was a hoot, and we can't forget the absolute hilarity of everything since the crack use was proven, but the joke's probably run its course. It will fade from late night TV and remain as a sordid specter in Toronto, maybe drunk, maybe not, but still haunting the city.

I know lots of people who are tired about this. It's the sorry state of Canadian politics: the only mentions they seem to get are when wacky mayors get called out by Gawker for doing drugs, prompting a police investigation and media firestorm. It is a well known fact that Rob Ford was not well liked prior to the conviction, which makes the whole thing very satisfying for a lot of people, and now the damn thing should play quietly with less free press for Ford. It should be resolved by the city council...

Of course, now that the story is getting interesting (Rob Ford is attempting to clean up his image, and will continue to battle with opponents) the outside interest will dissipate like the smell of a fart, or the type of low-yield scandal that somehow seems to be dealt with very lightly. Then again, maybe the people who wrote the charter for Toronto mayoralty weren't expecting a seasoned crack smoker and drunkard. Very funny, because the public official in the story is a rather prominent man who uses drugs liberally, despises the downtown types, and sweats a bunch.

Meanwhile in Canada there are corruption problems, the question of who will lead the country out of an era of pseudo-stupor (currently it looks like a job nobody can accomplish, and I personally doubt Stephen Harper ever bothered himself for a minute about it), the oft-ignored First Nations issues, and best of all a highly resource-and-construction-based economy that could shatter at the whim of the markets, and which in any case is a carefully controlled game of gouging and despoiling Canada to try and fit in with the world economy clique.

The Rob Ford Scandal Saga: Refiring the Spotlight

The mayor of notable world-class city Toronto, Ontario (home of the Toronto International Film Festival, the Leafs, the Raptors, and the Blue Jays) had admitted to using crack cocaine, which he had previously (and very prominently) been alleged to have done. The story was very hot, leading to some Canada stories on all kinds of media around the world. It was close to being a circus, and with Rob Ford... well... it actually had been kind of a circus all along, hadn't it?

A large number of Torontonians had it in for Rob Ford since the moment he took office, and many of those rejected him before that point. The thing was primed from the start to be disastrous for Ford, but, bless his heart, he did go on as acting mayor. He did what Clinton did and denied it. The police followed up, and on Halloween Bill Blair, chief of police, held a press conference to confirm the allegations first put forward in May. Rob Ford had smoked crack cocaine, and the police had video evidence of it, and that's where the thing stood. What's insane is that there is apparently no mechanism in place for dealing with a mayor who might be compromised by use of illegal substance. At this late point in the story, Ford is dealing with a potential mandatory leave of absence.

An historical day for the Ford mayoralty, and the continuation of this spring's Crack Mayor Narrative. There were a couple of reasons to consider the allegations unproven back then: firstly, a large group of people wanted a character assassination and would've jumped on the opportunity anyway; second, Gawker are a bunch of fuck shits who never came up with the goods for shadowy reasons; third, the Toronto Star has 'had it in' for Ford for a long time; finally, it was only alleged at the time. Anyone would have agreed that Rob Ford was a bit screwed up, possibly a drunk, and probably had contacts with 'the wrong people'. The police, competently enough, decided to keep an eye on the situation. Maybe they even followed through with Gawker.

It's last week's news and I know that. I waited so that the frenzy had ended by the time I said anything. I had nothing to add while it was happening. It seems to me as if Rob Ford will continue to act as embattled mayor for a few more days. He evaded the topic because it was his last move in the doomed chess game of crack use and publicity. The Drunken Stupor line is a beauty, a real font of humor, but also the only legitimate way Ford could counteract the damage of Using Illegal Drugs... because you see, when you're already Intoxicated on a Legal Drug, it's more permissible to use an Illegal Drug, because you're not thinking clearly. Mostly it's a nod to the drug war mentality. Say what you want about him: he tried.

The media attention is burdensome to Canada, frankly speaking. After the bets cleared and the dust settled, me and a bookie had a serious talk about how odd it is that big stories about Canada go completely untold by the rest of the world, while all it would take for a Canadian revival would be more dumb scandals and graceless public officials. It was the first big story about Canada since Lac Megantic, or Chris Hadfield's Bowie cover in space.. and before that the big story was Rob Ford on crack cocaine allegations. Listen: Rob Ford is obviously kind of a troubled guy, he's apparently surrounded by shady dudes and fake friends who will videotape him in a private moment, but I doubt he's taken the reigns of Toronto City while high on crack. At least he didn't use taxpayer monies for personal reasons – so is he morally superior to Pamela Wallin and Mike Duffy and the rest of the high-life crew in the Canadian Senate? Some would argue he is. Meanwhile there's talk of pipeline chicanery, a big topic for the United States and Canada, that is so quiet one can barely hear it.

How will Rob Ford be remembered? Does Toronto deserve better, and what does it mean to be Torontonian in light of a mayor who smokes crack? Has this changed how the world views Toronto? Rob Ford has gotten more global media coverage in a short few months than David Miller and Mel Lastman combined, does that put Toronto 'on the map'? Have you ever smoked crack, and if so did you feel like you were a mayor? Do you feel sorry for Rob Ford, knowing that underneath all the political grandstanding and posturing, he's a just a fat guy from a relatively privileged family? Do you hate him? Will he step down on Wednesday? Will Canada ever again become prominent in the news for good reasons? Are there too many questions and too few concrete answers?

But, uh, in actual serious world news that isn't sensationalism: the Phillipines just got hammered by a giant storm and is actually in a disastrous state, so the Rob Ford media shitshow can be allowed to end in relative obscurity. Also the McRib is back, gross. The war in Syria is still ongoing, as well, that's pretty important but since there isn't an easy solution it seems to be brushed under the rug again now the chemical weapons issue is sorted out. And in America there is hushed talk of a Tea Party/Republican schism. What a difference one week can make, but in the case of Rob Ford, it won't solve his problems..

What's Probably Going On: I, Rambler

Well, dear reader, I've finally disconnected entirely from the world. If this is even posted it will be automatically uploaded via proxy FTP, probably forwarded by satellite. I wrote this on something called a Tandy (it reminds me of being young and has what looked like a full working copy of Doom 2 which I plan to try out), and I keep getting bothered by loud animal calls and rather large insects. Earlier this morning, while wondering if I had malaria or not, I accidentally killed a spider big enough to stand on my shoulders and still see over my head.

Yeah, I'm off the grid. I don't think I need to explain why, but I'll take a shot at it anyway because it's midday and too hot to do anything but type out a blog post. Firstly, after years of becoming more and more negative because I was surrounded by a society that was firmly up its own ass with its tongue in its cheek, I decided to make a life change. That life change was not to 'become more positive', 'find a way to fit in and make your place in the world', or 'surround yourself with healthy people' because those suggestions are made to finally kill the ailing souls of people who decide to 'stick it out' or 'fake it till you make it' in the cities, suburbs, and even rural paradises of the West.

No, not for me the puerile logic that something was wrong in my mind. I already knew I was sick, but what was going on around me was sicker and more depraved by far. I think what finally tipped me over the edge was the giant hype about something called 'twerking' (which seems like the 2013 version of Harlem Shake)... I mean it was a big deal, and reminded me how stupid the West has gotten, to the point where interesting problems and discussions (like alternative energy, the legitimacy of using force, the struggle for peace, and long-term human survival) are buried in mundane discussion about sport, celebrity, and dance fads. There is nothing essential anymore in western life, the material conquest of the world has created a society with no long-term value. There are no immediate problems anyone feels they can solve. There are no heroes, there is no innocence, and everyone is shouting inane shit at each other. With the forces of globalism rampaging, and the rest of the world hungry for 'first world lifestyles' it has suffered under, it seems as if there will be nowhere left to hide.

And I'm not one of these black/white zealots who advocate for revolution or counter-revolution. I think most people aren't that bad at all, but the pity is they give into what they're told, then they believe it, and then they're lost causes because they're stubborn. One day I was verbally assaulted because I suggested that the middle class, and its beliefs and practices, is problematic. More and more I see a world in which simply living the life provided for you is a great sin, a meaningless cog in a vast machine built to make the rich richer while generating enormous amounts of waste and suffering. More and more I see a world that deserves reproach, but reproaching it makes you rather unpopular with lots of people.

I think western governments have failed, they've proven that democracy is just a short road to oligarchy, they've proven that capitalism is just as inherently flawed as communism, they've enabled an apathetic and stupid populace, they're in the pockets of big business and so are you, reading this, and so am I, posting this (via 56k modem, satellites, and an old Tandy in a science camp) on Google... there is nothing but the bottom line... the society reflects it. There is this scary pragmatism where someone might kill you to gain a YouTube following. Step outside of the race to get a nice place, a good spouse, a home, a good car, fair prices... step out and look around: what more is there for you, really? A fit and active lifestyle? Becoming cool? Physical pleasure? A (heavily material) search for meaning? The consolation of a job well done, of the fact that you haven't directly caused anyone suffering today? Friendships with people who are like you? Happiness when your political party takes office, constant pissy passive-aggressive bitching when they lose? The dream is to consume more, consume better, and become respectable by that consumption. Those poorer than you have similar but more modest dreams, and those richer than you are generally just dreaming of bigger numbers and more ostentatious ways to demonstrate them.

Meanwhile anyone in this gracious and plentiful society who dares question the affluence is branded a communist or anarchist, idealist, and deluded. People stand up for low minimum wages and applaud, people get huffy about 'political flashpoints' that are just overblown media braying while the real issues are quietly taken care of. Who cares about the emergence of a world-wide security apparatus or the degradation of freedom? Who wants to suffer or want for anything? It all made me so sick that I couldn't think anymore, in the end. I didn't want to live in the slick World 2.0 where everything is taken for granted, where money and status are the only things worth a damn. Then I realized that the whole world was getting worse every day. Obviously it's reality, and it's never so bad or so good as anyone is saying, but I am seeing a bland and sinister future based on the world I have experienced, and I don't want it.

I decided to empty my bank account and travel to a less fucked-up part of the world where not even ViceTV (BTW WTF VICE?) journalists dare to tread, but first I had some loose ends to tie up. I told my boss' boss that he was a worthless parasite, that I encouraged fellow workers to steal from him at every turn, and that his attitudes towards women would get him killed in a future (or very prehistoric) world. I beat the shit out of my boss, because he was middle management scum, and even though he was a nice guy, he had taken too many verbal liberties with me in the past before we were friends. The look of confused betrayal on his battered face was so satisfying that I worried about myself, but it was the only thing I could do. Nothing made sense that day, but I got out safely, and where I am now is a realm of natives, scientists, and anthropologists... and glorious, empty, unsullied nature, with no bike paths, no litter, no bums, no WiFi, only survival and suffering, only immediate reality with no substitutions and no possible excuses or niceties. Blood, bug juices, and an early death. It is hell, but compared to living in 2013 Earth, it is paradise and I feel free and almost happy for the first time since I was a child.

So I've decided to go deep, get the hell out, keep my head above water (literally – not meeting rent and banking a few hundred dollars a month), and come what may, I'll accept it. Death is just as meaningless as life in this world, there are no glories awaiting us as political pawns, collaborators of exploitation, or as gilded heroes. Escapism is the only human response left, not apologia. As rebels we are mocked ruthlessly if we are nonviolent, and considered rabid juveniles if we use the tools that only the state may rightfully use. A world of monopolies. There is just diversion, diversion, diversion and the endless stream of 'news' from god-knows-where. Even now it bothers me that nobody else sees how problematic and out-of-control everything is. Here's an idea: before we colonize space with our bad ideas, trashy suppositions, and hatreds, let's work on what we're doing here on Earth. I have a few good ideas for starters that don't include ethnic cleansing, chemical weapons, corporate sponsorship, military interventionism, intense religious/national exceptionalism, capital punishment, or nuclear holocaust.

Here's a list of things I think may be happening in the world today, which was meant to be funny, before I got into all that heavy shit like an idiot, but I mean it's hot as hell and I might not be thinking straight anymore:

• David Letterman has recently died and Craig Ferguson has NOT replaced him
• Britney Spears releases a comeback album and is involved with a twerking scandal
• The War in Syria ends when all 20+ sides agree to disagree, co-operate for economic revival
• However, a new War in Somalia causes the War in Syria to re-emerge
• Something something something China, something something something us.
• Wars on Drugs, Crime, Being Cool, Having Fun, Winning all renewed for another decade.
• The NSA admits it has known everything all along, even the conspiracies, but is just breaking down privacy so that 'the good guys continue to get paid'
• My Twitter account gets its first follower and also first retweet about something really funny and visionary I posted years ago
• In a shocking upset, Racism is defeated by Sexism as Most Pressing Social Issue - white women cheer in the streets, insist it will solve other problems as well
• Geopolitical fucking around defended by old white dude who worked for the government in 1960s
• Instead of simply paying interns nothing and working them to death, large firms begin to haze them as well - backing it with studies supporting hazing as 'character building exercises'
• During the rehearsal for the September 11th memorial programme, a Truther is violently murdered
• Workers Rights abuses in sweatshops ignored by pro-consumerist media
• Scientific advances make it all seem worthwhile, somehow
• Grumpy Cat gets lynched by mob
• Society continues to get more politically partisan and fragmented: each person in a secure castle of righteousness

I tried. Once I find the abandoned asylum I am looking for I will ECT myself until I get better. Maybe I will get back to light-hearted, timely, and entertaining updates about movies, song, and anything that does not actually matter instead of... ah fuck it. I tried. I did. When they find my body and hyperlink it to Twitter, RealNet, Facebook, or this blog - use the comment section to tell them I tried. I really tried. I was just as hopeless and confused as the rest, but I managed to stop eating shit and ultimately died like a human being, not a consumer.

The Vat-Grown Future

I can understand the recent hullabaloo about vat-grown beef (even though the price of a few grams is tens of thousands of dollars): the current system used to raise and prepare a majority of beef is equal parts cruel and insane. You don't have to have a soft heart to lament the existence of factory farms and feedlots, unless you're the kind of person who pretends to be a total badass (maybe you were molested as a child, I don't know). If you think making animals stand for hours in ankle deep shit or live entire lives in tiny cages is cool you're probably also a psychopath or at least pro-prison sociopath. Vat-grown meat is a step in the right direction, since the idea of feeding the world with naturally-grown protein is getting to be really, really laughable. Still, it's kind of useless as a solution, and favors the armchair-ethicist over the realist: a counterproductive situation 'progressive movements' are often haunted by.

Fisheries are collapsed, hunting is no longer a way of life for the overwhelming majority, and factory farming is a soulless practice of agribusiness that stains the world in unhealthy shit, diseased blood, novel human/animal illnesses, and misery – not to mention fast food and all associated problems. Anyone who says differently is a corporate shill, an unapologetic ecocidal turd, a Scientific Optimist^TM , or plainly ignorant. So, basically, the idea of further separating the populace from its food  is the only one that wins out, and few people see the problem with it, as long as it prevents the cruel and bloody deaths of cute animals (which are often not that cute and generally die a sterilized, clinical death after a life of perfect, almost middle-class indolence and occasional active cruelty).

Meanwhile, we could source all of our protein, cheaply and very efficiently, from insects. We can still have a good cut of beef or chicken, but insect protein can cover, say, Monday to Thursday, and cheaply. It is a solution that has been staring us in the face since the dawn of time, but at some point our phobias overruled common sense and we stopped eating bugs. Now, in the 11th hour of a crisis hundreds of years in the making, we have once again proven that we can be smart, but never reasonable.

Easy living has eroded any sense of pragmatism we had, and instead of taking matters into our own hands we have pushed food further into the corporate fold and away from our own hands, which we are generally afraid to get dirty. Ethical neutrality is not worth the price, beyond which lies the fact that agribusiness is not going anywhere. Animals will continue to suffer for as long as they are profitable, agriculture will continue to desiccate and toxify the earth and 'pests', as well as anything nearby or downriver. A small cost to pay to ensure nature doesn't get anything intended for ourselves. But we're not selfish, and thinking otherwise is 'not realistic', sorry. Don't think about the dead lakes and rivers, or the dying oceans. Listen to the greenwashing machine and damn well heed how it is telling you not to worry. Or listen to the deafening silence of pop culture, I mean, who gives a fuck?

Then, when the rape of the earth has eliminated the chance of raising edible animals, food will move completely out of the reach of the populace and into the security of corporate production thanks to research potential generated today. Does it amplify the horror enough to know that not only are living creatures processed into competitively-priced foods, but that the process of raising the animal itself can be bypassed? Or is that ethical, to cut out the animal's contribution, while still eating of its flesh? Even the borderline sadistic systems in place today still have a beating heart, and the symbolic act is still committed, even though shrouded by the mystery of NDA contracts and secure facilities. Needless to say, vat-grown appeals to the people who can't stomach the current model. It stinks, though. If GMOs are freaky frankenfoods then Vat-Grown is undead zombiefood. No double standards.

However, that's life as an omnivorous mammal: you sometimes kill to eat. Then, because of a healthy omnivorous diet which includes hunting and foraging activity, you gain the mental acuity and leisure to reflect on the act of killing. You turn it into an art and thrive. Then, twenty thousand or more years later, you get to the point where the idea has been so over-thought, and the act so over politicized and perverted by industry, that it is no longer palatable or acceptable ('unless you stop worrying and start enjoying!'). Since it is the modern world, and a healthy respect for nature is not an option, the only cure remaining is to develop the technique of  growing meat in a bloodless, clinical way, so that it dies apart from any animal, so that the vast stocks of commercial livestock can go into the history books and possibly extinction while we grow our mega cities and hoard terabytes of data per second and eat our ethically sourced protein loaves. The only thing better than eating beef once a week, shutting down most fast food outlets, and finding better sources of living protein is to make an undead mockery of flesh in a lab because we're too infantilized to give up our excesses and face the reality of cost and value.

Madness is what it is. The plan seems to be to abolish the cycle of life or at least further commodify it. Plants are living things that we kill all the time, without seeming to care a bit, and we also gorge ourselves on their sex organs, and that's acceptable – but killing a dog to eat is cruel and/or worthy of mockery? Eating ants, roaches, slugs, spiders... any of the bountiful and varied insect species is crazy, absurd? When the oceans are emptied, the air is full of cow farts, and land covered in pig and chicken shit? Farming insects cheaply, each house producing a few dozen pounds a month, each apartment growing a few pounds, plus enriching soil... no that's crazy. It's as crazy as razing the suburbs and growing traditional food there. What we need, obviously, is bloodless, ethical, lab-grown meat – it's never going to play into corporate or political power fantasies.

There is a parallel to this in drone warfare. Pure logic founded on historical fact (hahahaha) would assume that if a global conflict was not worth risking a soldier's life, it was not a conflict worth engaging in (hahahaha). If it was not popular enough to sustain casualties, it was not popular enough to be conducted by a democracy. But, you see, take out the aggressor's wasted lives, and the populace no longer has the ethical high-ground it is used to enjoying. Now, having made war bloodless for your country (and even more infuriating and hopeless for another) you get to kill with impunity, and the rage you generate can be explained as the unenlightened reaction of religious fanatics. The dissenters, domestic or otherwise, can be explained away as "DISLIKED POLITICAL GROUP" or "BIASED RABBLE ROUSER" while the insane reality of the situation continues to make life unpleasant or untenable for the rest.

"Why drink water when you can have a tasty Coca Cola? Probably because you're a mindless consumer – the New Livestock. Have we got some fantastic new products for you!"


Textual Note:
Hi there, I've been a little shrill, I admit, though I don't apologize for it. If the future of where and how humanity sources its food does not matter to you, you won't understand why I take the tone of alarmism. Obviously the whole thing is a bit sensationalistic... but so is the 'sustainability is for faggots' crowd, who are a bunch of despicable, small-minded wretches. Also, I think I've proven I have a great affinity for hyperbole. But please do remember that there are actual problems and that the future is uncertain, and that the current model of a disinterested public eating food created in a vacuum away from their sight is kind of fucked up, and could be changed for the better. Sorry if it wasn't funny/insightful/verified enough - I admit I am off my game. That is all, thanks for reading as always, and stay true to the game.

The Character Assassination of Robert B. Ford

It was, all in all, a great week for Toronto. The possibility of a downtown casino had been quashed by the premier, another condo development had been announced (this one will replace the aging, unsightly, and low-density Fort York), and the numbers proved what citizens had known for ten years: public transit was highly popular, perhaps too popular. All the city needed was another news story or an influx of tourists, and the golden summer of 2013 could begin.

Nobody could have expected that the greatest news story of all time would descend, causing a vortex of mad news that would spread across the world. A truly world-class story would emerge from the general rubbish of Toronto news (three parts middle-class entitlement to one part crime/poverty stories) and take the world by storm – even better: it would lead to worldwide news coverage.

Noteworthy Rob Ford hater and inveterate populist newspaper The Toronto Star had been at the forefront of research into the newest Rob Ford Media Fiasco. However, when the story became too hot for the Canada/US border it was broken by a New York based internet company, Gawker. One gets the impression of a sweating editorial meeting at the Star, shirtsleeves and pantsuits, the editor in chief wearily smoking a cigarette and shaking her head - 'They scooped us, Jesus Christ, that was our story! One more fuck up like this and we're done!' Never mind, of course, that if the Toronto Star had reported on the story first it would never have become a world-class piece of news.

It was the hottest piece of Canadian hearsay since that fuddle-duddle about Laureen Harper, which many still do not know and got to be so hot it involved the RCMP. Even the Laureen Harper rumors failed to capture the world's attention – most likely since they only existed in Ottawa, where they were firmly proved, before the media was scared with warnings about tangling with the Prime Minister's Office and the RCMP. Well, move along, old story. Here's a golden one: Rob Ford smokes crack. Allegedly, because the drug dealers who have the video aren't letting it go for less than $100,000 at least, and double that for U.S. media outlets. Nobody's bought it yet, but those young entrepreneurs are proving that you don't need education or ethical high ground to make the news! Truly they are sending a good message in the Recession Era for self starters everywhere.

What do you think of that? That's absolutely world class, and the media is acting like it's shameful. In a country where senators are getting away with fraudulent misuse of taxpayer money, and the government generally looks down on the populace, the private enjoyment of privately-funded crack cocaine by a family man and Mayor of Toronto seems to be the Goliath of news. In reality it isn't even that newsworthy at all: Canada is a real country and things happen outside of Toronto. However, there is an element of schadenfreude in all this: Canada hates Toronto and the most vocal parts of Toronto hate Rob Ford. Everyone wins with a story like this.

Toronto should embrace this man, but establish firm limits on his ability to gut downtown or mass transit. Rob Ford is a brilliant statesman in the new mode: what matters is politics as a game. Promise the people what they want and then go forth, and do what you want. Words to live by. In America he would be a millionaire CEO, a Senator, or a Governor. Since it's America, he probably wouldn't have strayed far from powder cocaine. In Canada he is a Michael Bloomberg - a Canadian Billionaire and a Mayor, and possibly a Man Who Smoked Crack. This is truly world class, and Toronto owes him for his services, for the media exposure, and for the good times.

Most importantly, Rob Ford is a tenacious fighter and a winner. He has faced incredible backlash since before he was Mayor. He was the dissolute son of a rich man, they said, and just another byproduct of the broken North American Democracy. They thought he wasn't built of the right stuff, but as it turns out, Rob Ford is. Every failure of optics has been overcome, from the anger management issues, to the balance issues, to the aggressive cameraman issues. Nobody in Canadian politics is man enough to deal with Ford, and that fear is what contributes to the largely biased and negative coverage.

In a daring show of solidarity with the poor addicts of the world, Rob Ford smoked crack. He is rich enough to enjoy powder cocaine, but he wanted to let the world know that rich people can get down with rocks too, we're all generally the same - some of us are just rich enough to govern the rest. Isn't that the American Dream come to life in Center-Right Socialist Canada? Rob Ford is truly a contender in politics, unlike generally all other politicians, he isn't afraid of crime, drugs, or poor people. If his people are smart enough to spin this story the right way, he will be Prime Minister in ten years, and then the fun can really begin!

User Comment Rodeo: Multiple Choice City

The UCR Mk.II picked up a hugely lucrative article about a social studies professor who forced her entire second year sociology class into taking a geography pop quiz. Just a purely innocent decision which had no loaded stakes, made by a disinterested, scientific-minded professor with no agenda up her sleeve – forced on a classroom of modern students. Said class failed dismally at accurately labeling countries, provinces, capitols, and even broad geographical regions. The UCR Mk.II almost crashed analyzing the over 200 comments. The irony sensor burned out too many times, and I had to deactivate it lest I ran out of spares.

It seemed to me (and still seems to me) a monstrous project, but I will gladly take it on. There is nothing more entertaining than watching idiots go at their bogeys, and watching the poor moderates waste their time. What's really important, in the end, is that everyone tends to just have fun. So kick back, get a stiff drink, forget how old or young you are, and indulge in some senseless ageism. And remember: more than 200 hundred comments resulted from poor test scores about an unrelated subject in what is a small sample of post-secondary students. This is, in more ways than one, an example of why the west is withering and how the internet is making it worse (or making it appear worse). Don't get offended, let's go on a rodeo:

The comments flew in fast and heavy. Reading them almost caved-in my sense of hope. It was brutal. I missed some doozies, no doubt, but there is never time to think when it comes to a User Comment Rodeo. There is only action. There is only the lassoing of choice screengrabs, and hoping they turn out to be priceless. I warn ye who would read this: this is going to be lengthy and uncomfortable, and the levels of ageism, ignorance, and bigotry unveiled herein will drive you into hysteria. If you had any faith, in the young or old, turn back now. The world needs your optimism more than ever. As for me: I don't care, I'm not even paid to do this. Maybe I'll get a shot or two in.

You know what's kind of depressing? You don't? I – Ah, fuck it. I prefer cuss-words anyway, since they make a solid point, frighten puritans and squares, and require almost no intelligence to be used effectively. The internet can still educate. It can also mislead, trivialize, infantilize, and stupefy. Reader, mark well the words of these and following User Comments. Note the vast problems they bring up, and their generally piss-poor sentence construction. Ah, the familiar smells of lazy rhetoric and half-baked idiocy. Is this crisis in education new? Is this a beautiful moment in our collective existence? Will the bleating objections of the masses lead to a new era of mental rigor?

These were the 'upvotes' in reddit-speak (RIP Swartz, I never knew ye, but you deserved better). These were the king comments. These were choice, juicy, apropos, and insightful beyond all the rest. Observe the beautiful spectre of ageism rising from the rabble. One can hardly blame students who are prejudged en masse as morons, merely for existing in a troubled and complex era and for their casual use of advanced electronic devices. It seems as if everyone has given up on them. Everyone except for the oilsands, that is – and when one is scientifically illiterate, one eats up greenwashing with both hands, and feels great about it. The modern explosion of ideologues is due to lack of mental rigor, but if education was so impeccable in the 50's, 60's, and 70's then why are so many middle-aged people so insufferable in their harmful, hateful, and ignorant opinions – why are they so vulnerable to fast-food politics, misinformation, and ideology? Look what they threw away to live comfortably. It's cute, because the coming generations get to live in not only mental, but also economical, physical, and environmental squalor. No wonder they don't give a fuck.

Twitter Strategies for Journalists: An Existential User Comment Rodeo

CJR posted a great bit about getting Twitter followers that almost makes me want to dust off my twitter account and make it live. I used to try to follow twitter. Now I mostly blog lackadaisically in order to tell myself I am doing productive writing. I see people tweeting and they repost their tweets to facebook and I think, "Goddamn that's insane." but on the other hand they sometimes get 100 or so impressions. Which is generally still pretty insane. They are engaging with the imaginary yet somehow relevant aimless messaging system. Some people who have encouraged me to join actually have audiences and purposes for tweeting – which, in a fast-moving, egalitarian telegraph machine, are the most difficult things to achieve and understand.

I might be biased. I see every twitter account as the equivalent of a Minecraft video on YouTube. It does not inspire me. I see tweets in various news media and have to restrain myself. Jimmy Fallon uses twitter in cool ways, though, and the service has been used for all kinds of mischief so it can't be all bad. But on the other hand, the volume of tweets alone is a barrier to entry. The slavishness of hashtag culture, the ruthless advertising. Twitter has as much of a mercenary heart as facebook. But who cares what I have to think or say. I still have to think or say it if it's not broadcast.

Still, I do my best, despite having posted legitimately cringe-worthy abominations, to say interesting or informative things in a neutral language which does not rest on lazy assumptions, fallacies, or promote negative patterns of thinking. I try to do my best, on the internet or at least this blog, at least sometimes but it can be so hopeless and tiring. The internet, used anonymously, has a tendency to communicate the worst aspects of individuals and their cultures. There are heartbreaking stories about these kinds of problems and what their fallout is. Unless you're not paying attention, you have probably heard one.

Probably you came here to add followers to facebook and increase your clout score or whatever. I already linked to it at the top.  The specifics of the linked article are great and all, but there was one user comment that was essentially critical of Twitter, but also probably uncomfortably accurate:

The flood of user-generated everything, from literature to the internet to economics, is an incredible problem that is both happening and waiting-to-happen. An unthinkable volume of information is kind of awesome, but also kind of terrifying. This brave new world is, after all, the kind of world that spawned the hollow 'expert culture' – an institution that is essentially quackery in all but name. The fact that the article shows at least one case of people forced to contribute to twitter against their will is equal parts hilarious and sad.

Fast Food versus Sexuality, Orientation

Only in America would a divisive, manufactured 'political issue' come to a head at a fast food chain. I don't use the quotes to say that gay rights aren't an issue, or that marriage equality is jokes bro, but the issue is blown out of all proportion by one or both sides and it's annoying to see what was once a great country turned into a hobbled caricature of itself. Political issues should deal with good governance, any country mouthing anything or pointing fingers about poverty, hate, and human rights should have solved its own problems before sallying forth into other countries. But that's a lost battle, and the USA is far from alone in offending those of us who prefer politics to revolve less around identity, distraction/division, brand; and more around effective, efficient, consistently improving policy. And, oh, I don't know: honesty, transparency, good governance, and other foolish little things that have been largely forgotten and are outsourced to the drudges of bureaucracy.

That digressive aside aside, the whole fried chicken fiasco is about as insane as you'd expect. Dan Cathy openly admitted to having a specific belief in marriage, supposedly Christian, which determines that it can only involve one man and one woman. This has been the de facto form of marriage for something around two thousand years. It has been strictly enforced for maybe one thousand, and it has been a hysterical point of order for the last 40. It's more or less a distraction meant to separate and confuse people. It works really well, as it turns out, at doing that. Dan Cathy isn't the enemy; he's just the enemy's unwitting pawn. He's already purchased a certain existence that he feels is fair to him and those he loves, and how others feel about his overblown comments will not bother him. Was the entire event even heartening to see? Photos and videos suggest there's some kind of super-important event that's worth swarming a franchise restaurant about, like voters in the third world traveling hundreds of miles only to wait in the dust to vote... except:

This mindless wasteful dumb herd is all the satire this divisive issue needs. They have been crafted into satires of themselves. Clearly America is in trouble, and for the smug rest of the world: you're no better and believe in the same fundamental lies. It's in so much trouble that many people can't even walk to a fast food restaurant (priding itself on exceptional quality and service), to make clear how they feel about what other people do, in the privacy of their own lives. This kind of shit causes traffic problems. It will get to the point where the difference between fries, a burger and a shake will mean life or death for thousands. Except, well, it already means financial destitution, factory farming, environmental destruction, and pure unadulterated wastefulness. But those, of course, are small issues compared to the love a homosexual individual may feel towards another homosexual individual.

So burn your gas waiting in line with the AC cranked and your favourite Kid Rock album on the stereo, or sweat in the heat singing hymns with your friends, or stand a few feet from all of that and kiss your sweetheart in protest, or just protest. Wave your flags. Just... don't for a second question your existence and what it's come to, your material or social privilege, and all the myriad things you take for granted in the equation. Never change, America. Never change until it's too late, and the chilling reflection occurs to you that all of that bullshit you thought was so important and worth suffering and fighting and hating for isn't going to mean anything when the cannibals come knocking in the middle of the dark night of hunger. Your leaders will be done pulling you around like puppets, and some of them will even be safe, and don't go asking to join my inclusive non-hate survivalist gang. We were recruiting even when you bought into the fried chicken hysteria of 2012 – you just didn't care. You had bigger chickens to fry.

Fast food politics. Let's not get too afraid of what this means, but let's not forget about this anytime soon. I'll give 5 dollars to the first person willing and able to make a satire about this and I'll pay 50 to the network who broadcasts it.