In today's culture of needy oversharing, cultural voyeurism, and [post-]post-modern irony it can seem as if nobody is willing to simply be their own self. It's possible that being a human being will no longer be as attractive an option as it used to be in the so-called 'simpler times' but most likely it is the old struggle in which mass culture tries to either force itself to be interesting or lays down a smokescreen of excuses about why it isn't. A reasonably recent phenomena, born out of cultural desperation and distaste, is New Sincerity. And, goddamn, the term is hot right now, and getting hotter by the moment – so come inside, place your bets, and learn a little something about nothing!
I'm no expert. New Sincerity, as a term, doesn't sit well with me, just like so many other facets of contemporary cultural shorthand. In many ways New Sincerity can be simplified as the diametrical opposite of that vague modern boogeyman 'the Hipster'. And yet, research I have done on the matter seems to suggest that mainstream 'hipster scions' are in fact loosely associated with New Sincerity. I don't really know what Zach Braff would say about the matter. Was Garden State actually a determined piece of New Sincerity propaganda? Did it manage to cash in on the credible? Worse yet, have the bewildering, out-of-favor films of Wes Anderson been appropriated by the movement? By the other movement?
My intention in this article has changed from simply making fun of New Sincerity to undertaking somewhat of a census about it. Mostly this will be the type of armchair cultural criticism I am known for, worldwide. For the most part New Sincerity is often used as a prescriptive term. In music this situation changes: many bands, hearkening back to the simpler, more heartfelt times of Bruce Springsteen, term themselves part of the New Sincerity movement, performing lyrics based less on conceptualism and cleverness and more on love, loss, sorrow, joy, and excitement. These are the earnest topics for music, but what keeps them from becoming pop music is a blend of aesthetics, identity, and intent. The prime axiom is to be authentic at all costs by not making attempts at authenticity, and never to ask 'what is authenticity?'
Unsurprisingly, New Sincerity stems from classic rock superstars such as Bruce Springsteen, Ted Nugent, John Mellencamp, and Bob Seeger, among others. Hair metal and psych are too ironic, or too insincere, or illegal, so lots of 'dad-rock' played to death on classic rock radio is actually questionable. Or perhaps they are valid inspiration, it's quite foggy to me and researching these kinds of things is slower than decisive critical strikes. What have these (and other) roots inspired?
Modern popular/indie acts such as The Hold Steady, Japandroids, Passion Pit, and evidently even Animal Collective are considered New Sincerity. These are just loose examples. To my mind the absolute pinnacle of new sincerity is probably Japandroids - they're not as bland as The Hold Steady and they're not politically or philosophically newly sincere. They just rock out and sing and holler and scream about partying, kissing girls, how life is and what they feel about it.
It's not slavish imitations of Springsteen topics about living in a shit down and running out of hope, or shooting up a bank in the back-roads of Nebraska. One has to admire the mixed positivity in songs about change, nostalgia/heartbreak, or raw excitement. The sense is that it's all youthful enthusiasm and angst, sometimes regret, and the energy cannot be denied. Their lack of pretense, deliberate simplicity and raw force all stand in contrast to established hype bands like The Hold Steady (with Springsteen and hearts worn on the sleeves). However, Japandroids' sophomore album is either too earnest or actually ironic in the ennui mode (or simply underwhelming after their debut), which may or may not say anything about New Sincerity.
Myself, I think the best part is that New Sincerity is often hailed as the redemptive force of contemporary hipster culture. It's a pretty great lie, but it makes everything seem much more epic and heroic, as if there really is a struggle against insincerity in culture. I stress, again, that the modern hipster has roots in Victorian England and earlier German youth movements. We see again and again the sorrows of young Werther in the trappings of a modern-day dandy. However it was inevitable, after the crushing nihilism of the 80's and the strung-out apathy of the 90's, that some kind of cultural force would rise in opposition. The only questionable thing is whether terming it 'new' is not a smidgeon untrue.
3/20/13
Hype Level Critical: Age of Wonders 3
Age of Wonders is the holy grail of fantasy turn based strategy/RPG mashups. Age of Wonders I is a highpoint beyond even the Heroes of Might and Magic series, the Disciples series, or arguably even the slightly unrelated Civilization series. However, the (for a long time) final game in the series was released in 2003, which left possibly the longest shadow in gaming. Age of Wonders is a non-AAA series, in part because it never developed Warcraft's following and also because originated in (the final years of) an era when there were more publishers and less-AAA series. Multi-million dollar advertising budgets were also extremely rare in those days, but notable exceptions exist (PS1 and other consoles, Daikatana).
When the first game was released in 1999, it already looked outdated. In the modern era it would hardly pass (graphically, among the subnormals, children, and hacks who review games) for a half-assed indie title - even in 1999 (a time when, arguably, nearly all graphics were primitive and 'ugly') it was often remarked upon negatively for its graphical shortcomings. Nevertheless, since the game was a product of pure craft, what graphics it did possess were A) infinitely presentable, and B) charmingly executed. Honest reviewers acknowledged that if the presentation wasn't cutting-edge, it was passable, and in any case it was paired with deep, engaging and challenging gameplay. It also had a magic system that was deliciously broken, and crafty players could discover all sorts of hi-jinks to turn themselves into demigods.
The series might not have ever developed Warcraft's following, but among the hardcore Age of Wonders I is generally acknowledged as a masterpiece. I hate using the word 'hardcore', but that's what it comes down to: the game is unforgiving and if you cannot handle strategy, tactics or adversary, it is best to avoid it. It is one of those games which requires tact and some trial-and-error. There is no hand-holding, and losses are inevitable. The sequel (and its standalone expansion) carried on the tradition with varying degrees of success. The first missions alone can prove, on easy, more difficult than entire campaigns in other games, levels can take long and get brutally difficult even against basic AI. I would not go so far as to call the game masochistic, myself, but others might – odds are they're softies, though, with no real appreciation for challenge and glory.
With the modern explosion of game sequels, it is ultimately unsurprising to see the return of a great series backed with significant nostalgia. Yet the story is probably the best of the year (which is already a good one), even better than the Age of Empires II HD release. One of the best parts is that the success of Minecraft is partially responsible, which means that, whatever you think about Minecraft, it finally gave back to the community. I say all this before Age of Wonders III is even released: good news is good news, and I am happy about this.
After the Nerd Bubble article it may seem that I am a cynical outsider to nerd culture or even an elitist myself, but I am simply a lapsed gamer who used to care too much. I continue to play AoW1 because it is that good, and GOG.com sells it at a fair price (and sometimes a steal price), so anyone can play it even on the most modern hardware. This is truly the best era of gaming: even the ghosts of yesteryear are coming back to life. However, I would like to caution myself and others who are getting hyped already. Let's keep our expectations realistic.
The more I read about the AoWIII project, the more I like it. Michiel can den Bos, who composed music for AoW1 (not to mention Deus Ex and Unreal, two other dear favorites of mine) is apparently on board. Truly good news, because he never did a bad job of scoring a game. Evidently the old crew is, for a large part, assembled on the project. Triumph Studios are no loafers and I don't expect they will release a garbage bag, but it's been a decade since they've tangled with the AoW series. The main question, quite possibly the most pertinent and exciting question, is whether or not Age of Wonders III will recapture the magic of the first game. To do so will be a challenge - the first game had something like 12 races and unit exposition for each and every of the 48+ units. Just to execute this small part (which had much to do with the 'sense of magic' in the wondrous debut) can be difficult, and to ignore it would annoy at least some fans.
When the first game was released in 1999, it already looked outdated. In the modern era it would hardly pass (graphically, among the subnormals, children, and hacks who review games) for a half-assed indie title - even in 1999 (a time when, arguably, nearly all graphics were primitive and 'ugly') it was often remarked upon negatively for its graphical shortcomings. Nevertheless, since the game was a product of pure craft, what graphics it did possess were A) infinitely presentable, and B) charmingly executed. Honest reviewers acknowledged that if the presentation wasn't cutting-edge, it was passable, and in any case it was paired with deep, engaging and challenging gameplay. It also had a magic system that was deliciously broken, and crafty players could discover all sorts of hi-jinks to turn themselves into demigods.
The series might not have ever developed Warcraft's following, but among the hardcore Age of Wonders I is generally acknowledged as a masterpiece. I hate using the word 'hardcore', but that's what it comes down to: the game is unforgiving and if you cannot handle strategy, tactics or adversary, it is best to avoid it. It is one of those games which requires tact and some trial-and-error. There is no hand-holding, and losses are inevitable. The sequel (and its standalone expansion) carried on the tradition with varying degrees of success. The first missions alone can prove, on easy, more difficult than entire campaigns in other games, levels can take long and get brutally difficult even against basic AI. I would not go so far as to call the game masochistic, myself, but others might – odds are they're softies, though, with no real appreciation for challenge and glory.
With the modern explosion of game sequels, it is ultimately unsurprising to see the return of a great series backed with significant nostalgia. Yet the story is probably the best of the year (which is already a good one), even better than the Age of Empires II HD release. One of the best parts is that the success of Minecraft is partially responsible, which means that, whatever you think about Minecraft, it finally gave back to the community. I say all this before Age of Wonders III is even released: good news is good news, and I am happy about this.
After the Nerd Bubble article it may seem that I am a cynical outsider to nerd culture or even an elitist myself, but I am simply a lapsed gamer who used to care too much. I continue to play AoW1 because it is that good, and GOG.com sells it at a fair price (and sometimes a steal price), so anyone can play it even on the most modern hardware. This is truly the best era of gaming: even the ghosts of yesteryear are coming back to life. However, I would like to caution myself and others who are getting hyped already. Let's keep our expectations realistic.
The more I read about the AoWIII project, the more I like it. Michiel can den Bos, who composed music for AoW1 (not to mention Deus Ex and Unreal, two other dear favorites of mine) is apparently on board. Truly good news, because he never did a bad job of scoring a game. Evidently the old crew is, for a large part, assembled on the project. Triumph Studios are no loafers and I don't expect they will release a garbage bag, but it's been a decade since they've tangled with the AoW series. The main question, quite possibly the most pertinent and exciting question, is whether or not Age of Wonders III will recapture the magic of the first game. To do so will be a challenge - the first game had something like 12 races and unit exposition for each and every of the 48+ units. Just to execute this small part (which had much to do with the 'sense of magic' in the wondrous debut) can be difficult, and to ignore it would annoy at least some fans.
3/1/13
The Return of Community
It was a long time, and now the show has returned for all of four weeks. There has been a Halloween episode, a premiere, an episode about an in-joke, and just this past evening the first episode in the busy itinerary to actually take place in a more or less normal day at Greendale. I think it's been a long time since I've talked about the show. I'd like to make some comments about it.
Firstly: I'm glad it's back. The four month delay was probably because NBC was considering shit-canning the show for good. Season three was almost unbearably meta at certain points, but then again so was Season 2. Any purist would only accept Season 1 minus the paintball episodes as the true greats. If you want, you can identify a purist by how they will maintain that the paintball episode 'was a bit too much the first time and definitely overplayed as a two-part special.'
For the record, the first paintball episode was what drew the show into a 'hype updraft' which lasted roughly until the end of the first half of the third season. By that time, several characters lay in ruins, multitudes of fans felt betrayed and increasingly disturbed by the show's directions and obvious funding cuts, and every casual viewer had stopped watching entirely. Season 1 had become a memory of a brighter time, when the show had no popular appeal because it was simply excellent and fresh and 'too smart' or whatever down-talking supporters tell themselves. To be fair, Community Season 1 was a damn lot brighter than Two and a Half Men or the Big Bang Theory, and easily more fun to watch than anything that year.
What happens if you talk to a purist now, and you like the show? Tough question. Good luck with that, actually: I can't answer it. I have no idea what would happen, but it would be like admitting you prefer the second season. I was a particularly rabid fan during the time of the first season, but that was only because there were not a lot of good TV shows on network television at that time, and essentially zero good new series, and I needed distraction because I was a useless head case with a shaky full time job that would ditch me just in time for the Christmas Episode - which can be compared to anything the show has done since and still be puzzlingly superior despite how basic it is.
2009, around the time Community premiered, was another era. Dollhouse wasn't cancelled yet. The Recession was still fresh in everyone's mind. The 2012 elections only took up 15% of daily newscasts. Ghaddafi was still alive. Glee hadn't yet fallen so astoundingly low, and making fun of it was still sportive. 100 Questions hadn't premiered yet – and to me, this is important to note, because when it premiered in May it was return to the awful network television standards that made Community stand out so much in the first place. There have been few television experiences as jarring as Community finale-ing one week and the Worst Show Ever premiering the next, ushering in the season where healthy people stop watching TV. I am still kind of incredulous about 100 Questions. It is my Abed Moment, and makes absolutely no sense to the observer.
2/21/13
Words: Apparently Dumb, Stupid, and Easily Misused
Words are apparently stupid, because when you attempt to write many of them on the internet for any purpose you are missing the point. The internet is all about ADD, ADHD, and Twitter. Twitter's got it right and I've got it wrong. And I've had it wrong all this time. Paragraphs, sentences, and long-term writing are stuff of the 20th century and earlier.
I am not savvy enough. Don't believe me? My smartphone doesn't have apps or even a data plan (which makes it a part-time computer with built-in phone capabilities), my Twitter account has no followers (because I don't tweet and forget [my password constantly] to check Twitter unless some really hilarious hashtag is imploding), and my blog is full of words and skimpy about pictures, videos, and excitement. What a fool I must be to keep at it: like it's some kind ofbook ebook that I'll never finish and that nobody cares about anyway. Like one of the stories Machine of Death rejected.
This blog is like an Angelfire crap page except not written by a child, no stupid .gifs or burning text, and no annoying MIDI covers of Limp Bizkit songs. So maybe it's not like an Angelfire/Geocities abomination... but why in the hell can't I figure out a way to capitalize on A) putting effort into making a way cooler blog [is this even possible] B) marketing this blog since I care so much. I can't have one without the other and, to be honest, I'd rather skip both.
Making a blog cool, even with idiot-proof software/front-ends [sorry Blogger], isn't as easy as I think it is. I'd have to scrap Publicato and try something new, losing probably everything that I struggled to build. But, honestly, if all I'm going to do is write stuff, link to stuff, and occasionally drop a screengrab, then I might as well go with a less tacky layout.
I will take a look, and feel the pain of what I imagine are actual human readers (unless even this is a delusion, and I've just attracted a lot of search-engine crawlers). Wood grain accent – like an 80's station wagon – black text on white background within it (ugly, amateur) in a non-offensive font at the very least. Flawless punctuation, occasional misspellings and typos despite a clear pro-professional writing bias. Nothing cool at all. High concept in words, not execution. Nothing hand-coded or done lovingly. Lodged in the belly of a content farm.
So that's why I don't always update. I always think that I am fooling my fool self with a fool blog on the internet. I play blues records and drink, and I hate that I ever started a blog at all. People make money off of facebook pages and twitter accounts, the odd blogger goes on to get published by an actual website, and almost everything I write is instantly drowned in the deep, still waters of the internet. It seems to me a hopeless case of building with sand on sand. Holding water. Fooling an eagle. Being angry at a dolphin.
That is to say: impossible. Writing is like smoking cigarettes: it stinks, it's bad for you, you end up making the wrong friends and distancing the right ones. Writing on the internet with more than 500 words at any one time is like being Henry James (or Theodore Drieser) at a post-modern microfiction literature convention. You can practically feel the cold shoulder given you by anything cool or contemporary. Who gives even the slightest shit?
I am not savvy enough. Don't believe me? My smartphone doesn't have apps or even a data plan (which makes it a part-time computer with built-in phone capabilities), my Twitter account has no followers (because I don't tweet and forget [my password constantly] to check Twitter unless some really hilarious hashtag is imploding), and my blog is full of words and skimpy about pictures, videos, and excitement. What a fool I must be to keep at it: like it's some kind of
This blog is like an Angelfire crap page except not written by a child, no stupid .gifs or burning text, and no annoying MIDI covers of Limp Bizkit songs. So maybe it's not like an Angelfire/Geocities abomination... but why in the hell can't I figure out a way to capitalize on A) putting effort into making a way cooler blog [is this even possible] B) marketing this blog since I care so much. I can't have one without the other and, to be honest, I'd rather skip both.
Making a blog cool, even with idiot-proof software/front-ends [sorry Blogger], isn't as easy as I think it is. I'd have to scrap Publicato and try something new, losing probably everything that I struggled to build. But, honestly, if all I'm going to do is write stuff, link to stuff, and occasionally drop a screengrab, then I might as well go with a less tacky layout.
I will take a look, and feel the pain of what I imagine are actual human readers (unless even this is a delusion, and I've just attracted a lot of search-engine crawlers). Wood grain accent – like an 80's station wagon – black text on white background within it (ugly, amateur) in a non-offensive font at the very least. Flawless punctuation, occasional misspellings and typos despite a clear pro-professional writing bias. Nothing cool at all. High concept in words, not execution. Nothing hand-coded or done lovingly. Lodged in the belly of a content farm.
So that's why I don't always update. I always think that I am fooling my fool self with a fool blog on the internet. I play blues records and drink, and I hate that I ever started a blog at all. People make money off of facebook pages and twitter accounts, the odd blogger goes on to get published by an actual website, and almost everything I write is instantly drowned in the deep, still waters of the internet. It seems to me a hopeless case of building with sand on sand. Holding water. Fooling an eagle. Being angry at a dolphin.
That is to say: impossible. Writing is like smoking cigarettes: it stinks, it's bad for you, you end up making the wrong friends and distancing the right ones. Writing on the internet with more than 500 words at any one time is like being Henry James (or Theodore Drieser) at a post-modern microfiction literature convention. You can practically feel the cold shoulder given you by anything cool or contemporary. Who gives even the slightest shit?
2/13/13
Danielle Steel's Poetry, via Tina Fey
For today I thought I'd keep it simple and uncontroversial, but above all entertaining. I also wanted it tinged with nostalgia and ridiculousness. The research did not take long, but it was conclusive and the results are high-quality and thorough. Let's take a trip to the unrecoverable past, and weep.
This is what happened before Twitter. Now this kind of awesome transmission of hilarity is less constrained but even more inaccessible. It has grown from the constrained television/early-internet arena into a lawless continent. You might term it the twitterverse, or twitter galaxy. Late night TV isn't the most accessible thing, but goddamn if it didn't serve up some great times.
I remember the happy times on this very blog, when it seemed all I could do was watch late night TV and then post on this blog about it. I should've kept on with that business. I could've had an audience, but I choked. There aren't enough commentators and content-generators on the internet already, right? Any smart person could see how late-night TV commentary is an untapped market and how I could –
But I wasn't that smart person. The Jesse Navarro episode was a sign that Conan's show has the same kind of potential to be awesome. There is interest and potential discussion, refreshed each night, totally different each week, yet comfortingly similar and routine. There was so much to write about: Jimmy Fallon's meteoric but dubious rise (and amazing musical guests and the Roots!!!), Craig Ferguson's amazing cold opens, Conan's uninhibited but too-clever hilarity, and of course the underrated genius of Jimmy Kimmel.
If I could go back, this would've been a niche blog with a design document. Look around at the lack of progress, at the wreck of a blog.
(The book in question)
This is what happened before Twitter. Now this kind of awesome transmission of hilarity is less constrained but even more inaccessible. It has grown from the constrained television/early-internet arena into a lawless continent. You might term it the twitterverse, or twitter galaxy. Late night TV isn't the most accessible thing, but goddamn if it didn't serve up some great times.
I remember the happy times on this very blog, when it seemed all I could do was watch late night TV and then post on this blog about it. I should've kept on with that business. I could've had an audience, but I choked. There aren't enough commentators and content-generators on the internet already, right? Any smart person could see how late-night TV commentary is an untapped market and how I could –
But I wasn't that smart person. The Jesse Navarro episode was a sign that Conan's show has the same kind of potential to be awesome. There is interest and potential discussion, refreshed each night, totally different each week, yet comfortingly similar and routine. There was so much to write about: Jimmy Fallon's meteoric but dubious rise (and amazing musical guests and the Roots!!!), Craig Ferguson's amazing cold opens, Conan's uninhibited but too-clever hilarity, and of course the underrated genius of Jimmy Kimmel.
If I could go back, this would've been a niche blog with a design document. Look around at the lack of progress, at the wreck of a blog.
(The book in question)
2/12/13
User Comment Rodeo: Pot Still a Huge Deal
It's downright unhealthy. It'll drive you crazy and ruin your life. It's a gateway to worse things. The User Comment Rodeo is, in fact, all of the above – and more!
Marijuana, for God knows what reason, is still something people get riled up about. Despite being illegal, it is found everywhere, in most countries. In certain places it is policy to execute or imprison people for marijuana crime: the stakes get higher than the high. Its legal status in free countries, and surrounding discussion, is one of the most indicative dramas of our epoch.
Sensationalism is never where the show's at. There are finer tastes (even though it is understandable to ignore them). Consider the above: a beautiful and puzzling moment in the blizzard of opinion – another beautiful snowflake. A natural, logically formed moment in time, among all the rest. Arguments are always made noticeably better by:
1. Organization
2. Rhythm and Repetition
3. Dope
You can't be afraid of the deep end in this business. The shallow end is easier to understand, but what you miss out on is nuance. Don't fear the deep end:
1. It's Deeper
2. Paying Attention
3. Digression: Creates Perspective
Morality is key, because let's face it: user comment boards are highly influential and very important for public discourse. The picture they paint will always be a masterpiece. But to paint a masterful picture, the artist must reach into the soul of the audience – pulling on the heaviest of heartstrings and reading unthinkable terrors
Marijuana, for God knows what reason, is still something people get riled up about. Despite being illegal, it is found everywhere, in most countries. In certain places it is policy to execute or imprison people for marijuana crime: the stakes get higher than the high. Its legal status in free countries, and surrounding discussion, is one of the most indicative dramas of our epoch.
Every time legalization fumbles, the same crowd comes out to jeer. Many consider it the finest part – the choicest cut of commentary – but in many ways it is a joyless spectacle.
Sensationalism is never where the show's at. There are finer tastes (even though it is understandable to ignore them). Consider the above: a beautiful and puzzling moment in the blizzard of opinion – another beautiful snowflake. A natural, logically formed moment in time, among all the rest. Arguments are always made noticeably better by:
1. Organization
2. Rhythm and Repetition
3. Dope
You can't be afraid of the deep end in this business. The shallow end is easier to understand, but what you miss out on is nuance. Don't fear the deep end:
1. It's Deeper
2. Paying Attention
3. Digression: Creates Perspective
Morality is key, because let's face it: user comment boards are highly influential and very important for public discourse. The picture they paint will always be a masterpiece. But to paint a masterful picture, the artist must reach into the soul of the audience – pulling on the heaviest of heartstrings and reading unthinkable terrors
2/5/13
Advertiser's Bowl: 2013 Edition ft. Existential Ennui
I don't have anything against the Super Bowl. It's a good reason to drink and eat too much and a great excuse for feeling like shit on Monday. What always puzzles me about it is how the Super Bowl Ad has become this huge event. Over the next week there will be Superbowl Ad Top 10s, reviews, and news segments. Most media output about the Super Bowl Ads will have the self-awareness of a gnat. I haven't been paying enough attention to say anything with certainty, but I think it's not really a high mark for society if the high-priced overpowering sports event of the year gets spectators who care more about the high-priced commercials and overpowering half time show. Ravens fans get to feel good, but then again: Baltimore's still going to have its problems, as will we all.
Each year, lately, people get psyched up for the Super Bowl's pricey, overblown, ridiculous commercials. Newscasts neglect problematic, boring stories for the innocent pleasures of the advertisement adventure. Meanwhile grown men have been sacrificing their bodies for... shit tons of money and a good start at fame. The themes seem to run together. There are always some 'innovative' ads, in the loosest sense of the word, but getting excited about innovative advertisement is like getting excited about a new model of taser. It's like getting excited about being in pro sports, but realizing that you may go to shit in the process: we should be so lucky to waste ourselves for such a prize.
For all their expense, commercials are generally devoid of value, promote unhealthy ideas, reinforce stereotypes, lie, cheat, flatter (in the basest sense) and bully the populace. Innovation? Most don't even have the good grace to be entertaining. This year Dodge released a high-quality, high-concept pro-farmer commercial so exceptionalist and baldly desperate that it almost touched the heart – but then again: Dodge is only another part of the dust bowl. What do farmers even matter when the whole proceedings only preach dust bowls?
In spite of all that craziness, I think by far the worst Super Bowl memory I have isn't an advertisement or the spectacular failure of a deserving team. No, my personal darkest moment is when Undercover Boss premiered after Super Bowl XLIV. It was stunning. What a brilliant PR move, but how absolutely disgusting to see something like that and then the uncritical, even positive response. This evil show was embraced. People were and still are enthusiastic about it. Advertainment, another slick evasion of issues such as predatory zero-sum business practices, income inequality, and the Recession. The smug laughter that inevitably results.
I think it's the kind of show that is okay to hate. I don't use the term evil lightly. Evil is a shared burden and all that, but it is okay to despise this goddamn show. It's toxic, terrible, manipulative and the lack of popular critical response is a sad fact. It showed that soft power knew no bounds: it could take criminals, crooks, bullies and turn them into angelic, benevolent, personable superiors. I have no doubt the executive class is generally not evil, but their culture is not a healthy or positive one. I'm not an idealist to the point where I will deny the fundamental importance of business or industry, but the mere plight of the average modern person unsettles me. The way the earth – life – is used has gone far beyond the point where we can be unthinking and proud about it.
I don't get how such a transparently biased, exploitative show can still be on the air two years later. It is readily apparent that nobody has learned anything in the meantime, and that executives are just as wealthy and powerful as ever, what with the labor market wheezing and slumping like a dying hobo while the screaming middle class sinks. All you have to do to mask the dark side of capitalism is: videotape your choice of 'boss' talking about or doing awkward unsatisfactory work, in a sanitized and tightly scripted environment, edit to taste, pick some compelling underprivileged or overworked employees, wrap it up with a heartwarming situation, some cash prizes, and a teachable moment or two. Because the bosses do care: and no drudge's futile trudge through wage-slavery goes unnoticed and unrewarded.
Like any commercial, Undercover Boss delivers bias and sells misinformation. It meets minimum thresholds for propaganda. It portrays one point of view faithfully, and damn the rest – like the Simpsons, and many other fictional television shows. For instance: I joked some years ago about the five thousand dollar suit. Oh, hell. This is likely show money, which the boss gets to give out in order to humanize them (via #rotecharity). Sometimes an additional prize of changed terms of employment are entered into the bargain. Then tears. Let me tell you something about pathos: dollars alone don't make it convincing. The bosses cry crocodile tears, and the employees cry about the smug charity that will hopefully better their lives by some obscure fraction.
I tell you of such scenes, not because I follow the show religiously but because I earnestly believe that that sort of indoctrinating pablum should be reserved for what are explicitly aired as advertisements. Undercover Boss contains enough slick reality-TV features to pass as a show, but that's a mask for what is really an advertisement for the same broad attitudes which have time and time again put the majority in the corner and the minority in comfort. At the end of each episode money changes hands, and nothing significant changes. The landscape of exploitation remains the same, and objecting to it still results in a defensive reaction from the world's largest, wealthiest, most powerful guilty party.
We keep worshiping opulence, and when it inevitably fails and bankrupts us, we find that consumerism is a sweetened abyss anyway. Everyone is sick with it. The rational mind knows* it is madness to overproduce, to hoard, and to waste – nevertheless: it's a race to the bottom and nobody can afford to miss out. There is only one way down.
(*or ought to, if it is at all thoughtful)
Each year, lately, people get psyched up for the Super Bowl's pricey, overblown, ridiculous commercials. Newscasts neglect problematic, boring stories for the innocent pleasures of the advertisement adventure. Meanwhile grown men have been sacrificing their bodies for... shit tons of money and a good start at fame. The themes seem to run together. There are always some 'innovative' ads, in the loosest sense of the word, but getting excited about innovative advertisement is like getting excited about a new model of taser. It's like getting excited about being in pro sports, but realizing that you may go to shit in the process: we should be so lucky to waste ourselves for such a prize.
For all their expense, commercials are generally devoid of value, promote unhealthy ideas, reinforce stereotypes, lie, cheat, flatter (in the basest sense) and bully the populace. Innovation? Most don't even have the good grace to be entertaining. This year Dodge released a high-quality, high-concept pro-farmer commercial so exceptionalist and baldly desperate that it almost touched the heart – but then again: Dodge is only another part of the dust bowl. What do farmers even matter when the whole proceedings only preach dust bowls?
In spite of all that craziness, I think by far the worst Super Bowl memory I have isn't an advertisement or the spectacular failure of a deserving team. No, my personal darkest moment is when Undercover Boss premiered after Super Bowl XLIV. It was stunning. What a brilliant PR move, but how absolutely disgusting to see something like that and then the uncritical, even positive response. This evil show was embraced. People were and still are enthusiastic about it. Advertainment, another slick evasion of issues such as predatory zero-sum business practices, income inequality, and the Recession. The smug laughter that inevitably results.
I think it's the kind of show that is okay to hate. I don't use the term evil lightly. Evil is a shared burden and all that, but it is okay to despise this goddamn show. It's toxic, terrible, manipulative and the lack of popular critical response is a sad fact. It showed that soft power knew no bounds: it could take criminals, crooks, bullies and turn them into angelic, benevolent, personable superiors. I have no doubt the executive class is generally not evil, but their culture is not a healthy or positive one. I'm not an idealist to the point where I will deny the fundamental importance of business or industry, but the mere plight of the average modern person unsettles me. The way the earth – life – is used has gone far beyond the point where we can be unthinking and proud about it.
I don't get how such a transparently biased, exploitative show can still be on the air two years later. It is readily apparent that nobody has learned anything in the meantime, and that executives are just as wealthy and powerful as ever, what with the labor market wheezing and slumping like a dying hobo while the screaming middle class sinks. All you have to do to mask the dark side of capitalism is: videotape your choice of 'boss' talking about or doing awkward unsatisfactory work, in a sanitized and tightly scripted environment, edit to taste, pick some compelling underprivileged or overworked employees, wrap it up with a heartwarming situation, some cash prizes, and a teachable moment or two. Because the bosses do care: and no drudge's futile trudge through wage-slavery goes unnoticed and unrewarded.
Like any commercial, Undercover Boss delivers bias and sells misinformation. It meets minimum thresholds for propaganda. It portrays one point of view faithfully, and damn the rest – like the Simpsons, and many other fictional television shows. For instance: I joked some years ago about the five thousand dollar suit. Oh, hell. This is likely show money, which the boss gets to give out in order to humanize them (via #rotecharity). Sometimes an additional prize of changed terms of employment are entered into the bargain. Then tears. Let me tell you something about pathos: dollars alone don't make it convincing. The bosses cry crocodile tears, and the employees cry about the smug charity that will hopefully better their lives by some obscure fraction.
I tell you of such scenes, not because I follow the show religiously but because I earnestly believe that that sort of indoctrinating pablum should be reserved for what are explicitly aired as advertisements. Undercover Boss contains enough slick reality-TV features to pass as a show, but that's a mask for what is really an advertisement for the same broad attitudes which have time and time again put the majority in the corner and the minority in comfort. At the end of each episode money changes hands, and nothing significant changes. The landscape of exploitation remains the same, and objecting to it still results in a defensive reaction from the world's largest, wealthiest, most powerful guilty party.
We keep worshiping opulence, and when it inevitably fails and bankrupts us, we find that consumerism is a sweetened abyss anyway. Everyone is sick with it. The rational mind knows* it is madness to overproduce, to hoard, and to waste – nevertheless: it's a race to the bottom and nobody can afford to miss out. There is only one way down.
(*or ought to, if it is at all thoughtful)
1/29/13
Legal and Moral Panic over Teenaged Trolls; the Coming Age of Anti-Troll Legislation
When Amanda Todd killed herself there was a fury which the internet-related deaths of hundreds of others failed to awaken. There was media hyperbole and the ever-present pointing of fingers. Yes, it was unquestionably a horrible, senseless ending to a young life. No, I don't think I'd blame teenagers for it – exclusively, at least. Teenagers, for all their precocious brightness, are almost without exception immature and are generally pretty impressionable as well. They are caged in shitty little worlds and it makes them inexplicable to older people who have escaped. Sometimes they feel like they can't escape, sometimes they think life sucks, and these and other things make them intolerable.
They're not particularly nice: they might respect their elders (which is immensely satisfying to smug elders), but they will go after each other with a wonderful blend of hatred and conviction one rarely sees outside of politics or ideological clashes. They're mean as rabid dogs: and in a culture which is arrogant enough to blame them while simultaneously encouraging them, it doesn't seem like there are a lot of people who really care. Society loves stories like these. They appeal to baser natures: outrage, righteousness, fury, voyeurs. They are easy to explain: evil kids, internet anonymity, lack of empathy, etc... The story needed to be told, but it was without reservation a story which was disgusting. Nothing about it seemed right, and looking into it was looking into the abyss of the internet and pretending to know what the fuck. Experts ran their mouths about how parents could prevent kids from falling into a similar trap. Punishments were devised. The police were all over it.
Truth of the matter is that such a thing will inevitably happen again, and something worse will undoubtedly happen if the law tries to get more deeply involved, pushing the criminal verges of cyber-harassment further underground where less idiotic and more dangerous people will continue in impunity. The internet is the last frontier of group psychology, and the denizens are very suspicious of lawmakers. There are many reasons for this, many of them despicable, but that's the way it is.
When I was a teenager cyber-bullying was nigh-impossible, because you could block people on MSN Messenger when they bothered you and few people were poser enough to use Myspace. The Digital Age was in its infancy: cameraphones were shitty and rare; cyber-bullying happened, but it wasn't a big deal because people lived offline. You simply weren't tethered and beholden to a 24/7, identity-bound life on the internet unless you were a nerd. Hints of a darker future were around, but those hints are in any past. Generally I bode my time until my personality had settled enough that I wasn't an insufferable shit, and then things started to look up. Towards the end of my tenure as a teenager high school was something that I had taken a positive leave from, and so distant it didn't always seem like a miserable prison anymore. In an even more distant past, as a veritable child, I logged into chats and started trouble for the hell of it on slow nights. Lots of us did, and following generations continued the tradition until...
Internet culture is filled with trolling. Often it is done with in a lighthearted spirit, and anyone who gets offended or falls for it is considered an idiot, ridiculed, and forgotten. 'Griefing', an online-game version of trolling, is almost a respectable pastime, and some 'griefs' have become legendary in their own right. Generally, when you see a troll on the internet, you are dealing with children, teenagers, or the mentally unfit. Sometimes they are amusing. Their antisocial stance would be interesting if it were self-aware and purposeful, but as a provocative measure it has few peers. Trolls are determined and capable of things many adults would balk at, such as trolling public facebook memorials about the recently deceased. Long story short: keep it private, or (I hate to be the one to say it) keep off the internet altogether because that shit is trashy, full stop.
They're not particularly nice: they might respect their elders (which is immensely satisfying to smug elders), but they will go after each other with a wonderful blend of hatred and conviction one rarely sees outside of politics or ideological clashes. They're mean as rabid dogs: and in a culture which is arrogant enough to blame them while simultaneously encouraging them, it doesn't seem like there are a lot of people who really care. Society loves stories like these. They appeal to baser natures: outrage, righteousness, fury, voyeurs. They are easy to explain: evil kids, internet anonymity, lack of empathy, etc... The story needed to be told, but it was without reservation a story which was disgusting. Nothing about it seemed right, and looking into it was looking into the abyss of the internet and pretending to know what the fuck. Experts ran their mouths about how parents could prevent kids from falling into a similar trap. Punishments were devised. The police were all over it.
Truth of the matter is that such a thing will inevitably happen again, and something worse will undoubtedly happen if the law tries to get more deeply involved, pushing the criminal verges of cyber-harassment further underground where less idiotic and more dangerous people will continue in impunity. The internet is the last frontier of group psychology, and the denizens are very suspicious of lawmakers. There are many reasons for this, many of them despicable, but that's the way it is.
When I was a teenager cyber-bullying was nigh-impossible, because you could block people on MSN Messenger when they bothered you and few people were poser enough to use Myspace. The Digital Age was in its infancy: cameraphones were shitty and rare; cyber-bullying happened, but it wasn't a big deal because people lived offline. You simply weren't tethered and beholden to a 24/7, identity-bound life on the internet unless you were a nerd. Hints of a darker future were around, but those hints are in any past. Generally I bode my time until my personality had settled enough that I wasn't an insufferable shit, and then things started to look up. Towards the end of my tenure as a teenager high school was something that I had taken a positive leave from, and so distant it didn't always seem like a miserable prison anymore. In an even more distant past, as a veritable child, I logged into chats and started trouble for the hell of it on slow nights. Lots of us did, and following generations continued the tradition until...
Internet culture is filled with trolling. Often it is done with in a lighthearted spirit, and anyone who gets offended or falls for it is considered an idiot, ridiculed, and forgotten. 'Griefing', an online-game version of trolling, is almost a respectable pastime, and some 'griefs' have become legendary in their own right. Generally, when you see a troll on the internet, you are dealing with children, teenagers, or the mentally unfit. Sometimes they are amusing. Their antisocial stance would be interesting if it were self-aware and purposeful, but as a provocative measure it has few peers. Trolls are determined and capable of things many adults would balk at, such as trolling public facebook memorials about the recently deceased. Long story short: keep it private, or (I hate to be the one to say it) keep off the internet altogether because that shit is trashy, full stop.
1/21/13
2013: Coming Highlights via Crisis Nightmare 3000
2012 was a pretty good year. There was plenty to see, talk about, and worry about. I'm not going to waste anyone's time with how great 2012 was. I'm not going to elaborate on how great a year it was for just about everyone to to feel truly offended, scared, or wronged. I sure felt the winds of change, and I bet I'm not the only one forced to watch, for merely one small instance, Facebook turn into less and less of a place for drunk students' idiocy and more and more of a place for self-aggrandizing politics (a learned behavior) and doomed verbal slap fights (an inherent characteristic) between imaginary monsters in the dark (???).
As great a year as 2012 was for getting miffed about rumors of rumors and unfounded quackery, 2013, by all estimations, will prove to be even better, with exceptional levels of panic. I am only a small and limited individual, fearful of the Lord and His hatred of our Eternal Imperfection, but even I can see the sort of wickedness that will come from the foremost voids of collective moral and existential mania:
- The use of stem cells from aborted fetuses to create so-called 'ethical' meat products such as nerveless chickens and baby sandwiches.
- The use of stem cells from aborted fetuses to make PepsiCo products even tastier and healthier!
-The use of stem cells from aborted fetuses to power a giant abortion center/bath house/tolerance indoctrination center/abattoir.
-All national anthems will be replaced, by global plebiscite, with Psy's 'Gangnam Style'.
-The use of rogue-harvest stem cells from living babies to make homosexual, gay, queer, transexual, questioning or pansexual clones of all new babies.
-Global decriminalization of all drugs / abolition of all drug offenses except alcoholism, which will be heavily prohibited.
-Upcoming mandatory biochips for all newborns, which will be specifically geared to cause autism, homosexuality and socialist tendencies in all newborns. All younger generations, regardless of biochips, will continue to be inceasingly sissy.
-Justin Beiber's official crowning as The King of Rock and Roll; retirement ceremonies for outgoing king Elvis Presley.
-Prayer inoculations made mandatory for non-atheists.
- I.E. 10 becomes mandatory web browser; Firefox users are shot to death in droves in the streets across most of the known world.
-President Obama, as he kisses Angela Merckel on the lips during a pagan pansexual cocaine infanticide orgy (including aliens, notable elites and celebrities, and Vladimir Putin) will sign into a law a fourty-term presidency applicable only to himself or any of his socialist ideologues.
-Stem cell-powered mass transit, gun incinerators, and electric vehicle charging stations.
-Stem cell-powered solar energy.
-Stem cell-powered wind power.
-Stem cell-moderated nuclear fission with options for stem cell-stabilized nuclear fusion.
-Mandatory global 'sin hour', details forthcoming, likely to include excerpts by sin experts De Sade and C'Thulhu.
-Libertarians proven entirely right about everything and promptly imprisoned and/or muzzled en masse. Ayn Rand enshrined as underground deity. Libertarianism outlawed.
-Christmas 2013 will be retooled to celebrate an exciting blend of non-Judeo-Christian world religions and non-straight-monogamous sexual orientations. Also, more emphasis on shopping and consumer culture!
-The moon will be settled by a coalition of European and Chinese evolutionists with left-leaning socialist tendencies who will farm organically-sourced stem cells for vague and shadowy purposes.
-Mandatory world-wide one-child policy. Extra children will be rendered into fuel for mass transit, space programs, or returned to the parents as an Ethical Flavinoid Generator – all excretions can then legally be sold to the state via a closed market for an equal, fair, and regulated price.
-Hipster movement greatly compromised and weakened by increasingly worrisome internal power squabbles, advancing the arts by five months.
-Completion of the war on Christmas – total casualties: Christmas.
-Carburators will be outlawed on pain of death forcing many to adapt or starve, paralyzing carburator-based economies. Fuel injectors will no longer be for 'sissies' and women: they will be mandatory. Automobiles built prior to 1950 will be exempt but heavily taxed.
- Any and all muscle cars will be recycled into public park art projects, luxury vehicles will be recycled into bus stations, buses, and public benches.
-The use of stem cells from aborted fetuses to fund Al-Qaeda and Al-QaedaCo-related entities.
-Sex addiction will be recognized as a veritable (taxable) disability, as will necrophilia; perverts worldwide, it is theorized, will be coddled and enabled by corrupt and morally-apathetic governments.
-Millionaires and billionaires will be taxed upwards of 75% per annum. Proceeds will go to struggling socialists, funding OWS protests, and hippies.
-Any new jobs created by the rich will be immediately taxed into the ground, and all proceeds will be used to keep drug addicts from suffering withdrawals.
-Tobacco smokers to be punished by instant death in many countries, smoking prohibited in the rest.
-"Soylent Green is people!"
-Public stonings will not only become a hot new meme, but enshrined under sweeping free speech reforms.
-Wal-Mart given a seat in the UN, kicking out Bhutan.
-Consumer goods will be sustainably harvested from the stem cells of aborted fetuses; global rights for non-laboratory non-human lifeforms; "New Murder Laws Get Poachers into Hot Water!"
-Men will no longer be allowed on public transit and will also pay an additional 50% in auto-insurance because of their inherent emotional instability as discovered through internet social media such as forums, blogs, and Youtube.
-Adult males will also be prohibited from consuming beer, watching sports, or masturbation. Men will also be subject to random curfews, spot-checks, and will be prohibited from loitering.
-Mandatory, bi-weekly public mocking and flogging of all artists, including self-styled artists.
-Catholicism will be replaced in situ with Feminism- doctrinaire rejection of birth control will be replaced with mandatory castration and partial-castration for heterosexual males.
-Facebook will be granted all rights to its users, including power of attorney, and unlimited licensing of all uploaded content with no concessions to the end-user.
-All IP addresses to be made public, resulting in severe but mixed changes to the Internet, and a new niche for powerusers.
- Banks 'too large to fail' will be granted explicit legal and diplomatic immunity.
-Privatization of nature; mandatory, global human genome tax.
-Single women without children will be able to claim compensation from unsatisfactory sexual partners and will have birth control, contraceptives, and abortions paid for (in full) by their governments. Countries not adhering to this global mandate will have their national anthem changed to Carly Rae Jepson's 'Call Me Maybe'
-Texas will be placed under martial law until every ranch is empty, a co-operative enterprise, or farming alpaca wool and soybeans.
-All leather jackets will be replaced with pastel coloured cardigans, any vendor found to be selling black market leather goods will be flogged and mocked in public, and re-educated in a Tolerance Centre.
-Nerd movement gains critical momentum, delaying any theoretical technological singularity by more than 100 years.
-Feed lot model expanded to feeding the poor; "Low Standards; High Expectations - The Profit of Poverty"
-All world religions outlawed, all higher beings to be replaced with notable celebrities, scientists, and political leaders. Dissension will not be tolerated: private residences will be periodically monitored for signs of worship.
-Mandatory quota of internet slang for all publications in any language to encourage youth engagement. (A modern translation of Charles Dickens' 'David Copperfield' will begin this trend, a neo-modern treatment of E.L. James' '50 Shades of Grey' will prompt the new industry standard. Homer's 'Teh 0DY$$3Y' will establish sales records.)
-Goods manufactured in the East will now be sold in the East, and Eastern citizens will use money sourced from Western taxpayers to afford said goods, creating a self-aware form of global capitalism. The West will be forced to produce its own electronics, garments, and cheap trinkets. Corporate elite will balk at decreased unemployment figures and go back to lovingly stroking their industrial robots and moneybags.
-Pharmaceutical drugs will be outlawed and replaced with what are now unfairly referred to as 'illicit and/or illegal drugs' with a decided emphasis on psychedelics.
-The West will stop paying attention to the rest of the world, and, in a stunning reversal, begin to focus on itself.
-Resultant drug addicts are confirmed for serious government coddling!
-Stem cells from aborted fetuses will replace any and all bullets manufactured since 1898. Modern bullets will be powered by the new ethical physics of hyper-abortion.
-Completion of secret project "The End of Men".
-All firearms unrelated to ethical hunting and/or safety training will be outlawed with no exceptions. Any persons refusing will be fired upon and killed by police or soldiers, who will be be armed or overarmed in accordance with New World Order directive HMO-SX-14 s.12
-Dec 21, 2013: The Brony Rebellion.
And that, as they say, is just the tip of the iceberg.
As great a year as 2012 was for getting miffed about rumors of rumors and unfounded quackery, 2013, by all estimations, will prove to be even better, with exceptional levels of panic. I am only a small and limited individual, fearful of the Lord and His hatred of our Eternal Imperfection, but even I can see the sort of wickedness that will come from the foremost voids of collective moral and existential mania:
- The use of stem cells from aborted fetuses to create so-called 'ethical' meat products such as nerveless chickens and baby sandwiches.
- The use of stem cells from aborted fetuses to make PepsiCo products even tastier and healthier!
-The use of stem cells from aborted fetuses to power a giant abortion center/bath house/tolerance indoctrination center/abattoir.
-All national anthems will be replaced, by global plebiscite, with Psy's 'Gangnam Style'.
-The use of rogue-harvest stem cells from living babies to make homosexual, gay, queer, transexual, questioning or pansexual clones of all new babies.
-Global decriminalization of all drugs / abolition of all drug offenses except alcoholism, which will be heavily prohibited.
-Upcoming mandatory biochips for all newborns, which will be specifically geared to cause autism, homosexuality and socialist tendencies in all newborns. All younger generations, regardless of biochips, will continue to be inceasingly sissy.
-Justin Beiber's official crowning as The King of Rock and Roll; retirement ceremonies for outgoing king Elvis Presley.
-Prayer inoculations made mandatory for non-atheists.
- I.E. 10 becomes mandatory web browser; Firefox users are shot to death in droves in the streets across most of the known world.
-President Obama, as he kisses Angela Merckel on the lips during a pagan pansexual cocaine infanticide orgy (including aliens, notable elites and celebrities, and Vladimir Putin) will sign into a law a fourty-term presidency applicable only to himself or any of his socialist ideologues.
-Stem cell-powered mass transit, gun incinerators, and electric vehicle charging stations.
-Stem cell-powered solar energy.
-Stem cell-powered wind power.
-Stem cell-moderated nuclear fission with options for stem cell-stabilized nuclear fusion.
-Mandatory global 'sin hour', details forthcoming, likely to include excerpts by sin experts De Sade and C'Thulhu.
-Libertarians proven entirely right about everything and promptly imprisoned and/or muzzled en masse. Ayn Rand enshrined as underground deity. Libertarianism outlawed.
-Christmas 2013 will be retooled to celebrate an exciting blend of non-Judeo-Christian world religions and non-straight-monogamous sexual orientations. Also, more emphasis on shopping and consumer culture!
-The moon will be settled by a coalition of European and Chinese evolutionists with left-leaning socialist tendencies who will farm organically-sourced stem cells for vague and shadowy purposes.
-Mandatory world-wide one-child policy. Extra children will be rendered into fuel for mass transit, space programs, or returned to the parents as an Ethical Flavinoid Generator – all excretions can then legally be sold to the state via a closed market for an equal, fair, and regulated price.
-Hipster movement greatly compromised and weakened by increasingly worrisome internal power squabbles, advancing the arts by five months.
-Completion of the war on Christmas – total casualties: Christmas.
-Carburators will be outlawed on pain of death forcing many to adapt or starve, paralyzing carburator-based economies. Fuel injectors will no longer be for 'sissies' and women: they will be mandatory. Automobiles built prior to 1950 will be exempt but heavily taxed.
- Any and all muscle cars will be recycled into public park art projects, luxury vehicles will be recycled into bus stations, buses, and public benches.
-The use of stem cells from aborted fetuses to fund Al-Qaeda and Al-QaedaCo-related entities.
-Sex addiction will be recognized as a veritable (taxable) disability, as will necrophilia; perverts worldwide, it is theorized, will be coddled and enabled by corrupt and morally-apathetic governments.
-Millionaires and billionaires will be taxed upwards of 75% per annum. Proceeds will go to struggling socialists, funding OWS protests, and hippies.
-Any new jobs created by the rich will be immediately taxed into the ground, and all proceeds will be used to keep drug addicts from suffering withdrawals.
-Tobacco smokers to be punished by instant death in many countries, smoking prohibited in the rest.
-"Soylent Green is people!"
-Public stonings will not only become a hot new meme, but enshrined under sweeping free speech reforms.
-Wal-Mart given a seat in the UN, kicking out Bhutan.
-Consumer goods will be sustainably harvested from the stem cells of aborted fetuses; global rights for non-laboratory non-human lifeforms; "New Murder Laws Get Poachers into Hot Water!"
-Men will no longer be allowed on public transit and will also pay an additional 50% in auto-insurance because of their inherent emotional instability as discovered through internet social media such as forums, blogs, and Youtube.
-Adult males will also be prohibited from consuming beer, watching sports, or masturbation. Men will also be subject to random curfews, spot-checks, and will be prohibited from loitering.
-Mandatory, bi-weekly public mocking and flogging of all artists, including self-styled artists.
-Catholicism will be replaced in situ with Feminism- doctrinaire rejection of birth control will be replaced with mandatory castration and partial-castration for heterosexual males.
-Facebook will be granted all rights to its users, including power of attorney, and unlimited licensing of all uploaded content with no concessions to the end-user.
-All IP addresses to be made public, resulting in severe but mixed changes to the Internet, and a new niche for powerusers.
- Banks 'too large to fail' will be granted explicit legal and diplomatic immunity.
-Privatization of nature; mandatory, global human genome tax.
-Single women without children will be able to claim compensation from unsatisfactory sexual partners and will have birth control, contraceptives, and abortions paid for (in full) by their governments. Countries not adhering to this global mandate will have their national anthem changed to Carly Rae Jepson's 'Call Me Maybe'
-Texas will be placed under martial law until every ranch is empty, a co-operative enterprise, or farming alpaca wool and soybeans.
-All leather jackets will be replaced with pastel coloured cardigans, any vendor found to be selling black market leather goods will be flogged and mocked in public, and re-educated in a Tolerance Centre.
-Nerd movement gains critical momentum, delaying any theoretical technological singularity by more than 100 years.
-Feed lot model expanded to feeding the poor; "Low Standards; High Expectations - The Profit of Poverty"
-All world religions outlawed, all higher beings to be replaced with notable celebrities, scientists, and political leaders. Dissension will not be tolerated: private residences will be periodically monitored for signs of worship.
-Mandatory quota of internet slang for all publications in any language to encourage youth engagement. (A modern translation of Charles Dickens' 'David Copperfield' will begin this trend, a neo-modern treatment of E.L. James' '50 Shades of Grey' will prompt the new industry standard. Homer's 'Teh 0DY$$3Y' will establish sales records.)
-Goods manufactured in the East will now be sold in the East, and Eastern citizens will use money sourced from Western taxpayers to afford said goods, creating a self-aware form of global capitalism. The West will be forced to produce its own electronics, garments, and cheap trinkets. Corporate elite will balk at decreased unemployment figures and go back to lovingly stroking their industrial robots and moneybags.
-Pharmaceutical drugs will be outlawed and replaced with what are now unfairly referred to as 'illicit and/or illegal drugs' with a decided emphasis on psychedelics.
-The West will stop paying attention to the rest of the world, and, in a stunning reversal, begin to focus on itself.
-Resultant drug addicts are confirmed for serious government coddling!
-Stem cells from aborted fetuses will replace any and all bullets manufactured since 1898. Modern bullets will be powered by the new ethical physics of hyper-abortion.
-Completion of secret project "The End of Men".
-All firearms unrelated to ethical hunting and/or safety training will be outlawed with no exceptions. Any persons refusing will be fired upon and killed by police or soldiers, who will be be armed or overarmed in accordance with New World Order directive HMO-SX-14 s.12
-Dec 21, 2013: The Brony Rebellion.
And that, as they say, is just the tip of the iceberg.
1/17/13
User Comment Rodeo: Multiple Choice City
The UCR Mk.II picked up a hugely lucrative article about a social studies professor who forced her entire second year sociology class into taking a geography pop quiz. Just a purely innocent decision which had no loaded stakes, made by a disinterested, scientific-minded professor with no agenda up her sleeve – forced on a classroom of modern students. Said class failed dismally at accurately labeling countries, provinces, capitols, and even broad geographical regions. The UCR Mk.II almost crashed analyzing the over 200 comments. The irony sensor burned out too many times, and I had to deactivate it lest I ran out of spares.
It seemed to me (and still seems to me) a monstrous project, but I will gladly take it on. There is nothing more entertaining than watching idiots go at their bogeys, and watching the poor moderates waste their time. What's really important, in the end, is that everyone tends to just have fun. So kick back, get a stiff drink, forget how old or young you are, and indulge in some senseless ageism. And remember: more than 200 hundred comments resulted from poor test scores about an unrelated subject in what is a small sample of post-secondary students. This is, in more ways than one, an example of why the west is withering and how the internet is making it worse (or making it appear worse). Don't get offended, let's go on a rodeo:
The comments flew in fast and heavy. Reading them almost caved-in my sense of hope. It was brutal. I missed some doozies, no doubt, but there is never time to think when it comes to a User Comment Rodeo. There is only action. There is only the lassoing of choice screengrabs, and hoping they turn out to be priceless. I warn ye who would read this: this is going to be lengthy and uncomfortable, and the levels of ageism, ignorance, and bigotry unveiled herein will drive you into hysteria. If you had any faith, in the young or old, turn back now. The world needs your optimism more than ever. As for me: I don't care, I'm not even paid to do this. Maybe I'll get a shot or two in.
You know what's kind of depressing? You don't? I – Ah, fuck it. I prefer cuss-words anyway, since they make a solid point, frighten puritans and squares, and require almost no intelligence to be used effectively. The internet can still educate. It can also mislead, trivialize, infantilize, and stupefy. Reader, mark well the words of these and following User Comments. Note the vast problems they bring up, and their generally piss-poor sentence construction. Ah, the familiar smells of lazy rhetoric and half-baked idiocy. Is this crisis in education new? Is this a beautiful moment in our collective existence? Will the bleating objections of the masses lead to a new era of mental rigor?
These were the 'upvotes' in reddit-speak (RIP Swartz, I never knew ye, but you deserved better). These were the king comments. These were choice, juicy, apropos, and insightful beyond all the rest. Observe the beautiful spectre of ageism rising from the rabble. One can hardly blame students who are prejudged en masse as morons, merely for existing in a troubled and complex era and for their casual use of advanced electronic devices. It seems as if everyone has given up on them. Everyone except for the oilsands, that is – and when one is scientifically illiterate, one eats up greenwashing with both hands, and feels great about it. The modern explosion of ideologues is due to lack of mental rigor, but if education was so impeccable in the 50's, 60's, and 70's then why are so many middle-aged people so insufferable in their harmful, hateful, and ignorant opinions – why are they so vulnerable to fast-food politics, misinformation, and ideology? Look what they threw away to live comfortably. It's cute, because the coming generations get to live in not only mental, but also economical, physical, and environmental squalor. No wonder they don't give a fuck.
It seemed to me (and still seems to me) a monstrous project, but I will gladly take it on. There is nothing more entertaining than watching idiots go at their bogeys, and watching the poor moderates waste their time. What's really important, in the end, is that everyone tends to just have fun. So kick back, get a stiff drink, forget how old or young you are, and indulge in some senseless ageism. And remember: more than 200 hundred comments resulted from poor test scores about an unrelated subject in what is a small sample of post-secondary students. This is, in more ways than one, an example of why the west is withering and how the internet is making it worse (or making it appear worse). Don't get offended, let's go on a rodeo:
These were the 'upvotes' in reddit-speak (RIP Swartz, I never knew ye, but you deserved better). These were the king comments. These were choice, juicy, apropos, and insightful beyond all the rest. Observe the beautiful spectre of ageism rising from the rabble. One can hardly blame students who are prejudged en masse as morons, merely for existing in a troubled and complex era and for their casual use of advanced electronic devices. It seems as if everyone has given up on them. Everyone except for the oilsands, that is – and when one is scientifically illiterate, one eats up greenwashing with both hands, and feels great about it. The modern explosion of ideologues is due to lack of mental rigor, but if education was so impeccable in the 50's, 60's, and 70's then why are so many middle-aged people so insufferable in their harmful, hateful, and ignorant opinions – why are they so vulnerable to fast-food politics, misinformation, and ideology? Look what they threw away to live comfortably. It's cute, because the coming generations get to live in not only mental, but also economical, physical, and environmental squalor. No wonder they don't give a fuck.
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