My unaccountably small audience, YouTube has become self-aware!
You can imagine how painful the internet is for anyone who is not YouTube or Facebook. Go ahead, imagine, and I bet it feels good. That's good pain right there. Wait! This is a disaster! In my bombastic, semi-Colbert-semi-internerd style, I warn you that this new self-inflating digital economy is actually a bubble, and may burst!
I just made that discovery, when I was as usual researching the decline of my era on the internet, on YouTube itself. I realized that my sources could be improved a little, but more importantly I learned that:
No wise body on earth can watch the next two complete videos in sequence. I have prepared them as a perfect deathtrap. To even attempt to complete the watching of either (let alone both) will probably result in an exploded head, internet's Homestar Runner-style. I watched a bit of either, and I'm not going to review the experience here – YouTube's comment sections, here I come!– but this is basically the sort of challenge that is a long, subtle joke about the world right now. What makes it a challenge is not finishing it, even, but comprehending the exact style of your death this entails.
The first sequence in this challenge will serve, at most institutions, as an introduction to internet politics.
Now, the second is an advanced choice, doubles as internet politics 1102, and is a reckless move on my part; I feel a certain duty to the internet so am forced to post it in sequence, with a long introduction link sentence.
In an alternative YouTube Video Sequence, you may laugh harder – but you will learn less, and your mind will be less damaged. Feel free to comment about your general sense of dread, bigoted sense of superiority, or experience with the challenge! As a scientist, I may be able to make some use of your otherwise pointless generosity.
4/3/11
Geez. Wow.
It's a good thing I tried to catch up to the internet news lately. Doubtless you have heard this story, or a story like it, plenty of times: noxious blog post is posted, public gets upset, author is a remedial celebrity and spin doctor, spin doesn't take, offense is broadcast – everyone chuckles in the end, because it's kind of funny.
Even Scott Adams knows there are some kinds of shit you don't touch. Not even as a blogger. Not even satirically. I blog anonymous and I wouldn't get in anyone's face or talk lightly about retardation or gender or any stupid thing. I prefer the borderlands of insensitivity and general curmugeonliness. There is one stinking turd that is so bloated with gas that even looking at it wrong can set it off. Even looking at an opposing turd the wrong way can set it off. You don't even look at this turd, let alone blog about it on your smug, high-class, oft-visited blog (which is solely buoyed by celebrity and little-more-than-average writing skills).
Anyways, the poor fellow took the nebulous, cringe-worthy subject of 'Men's Rights' to task in the most circumlocutory style possible: in short he pissed off everybody but his most dedicated fans, and even those have put at least one Dilbert mug at the back of cupboard. The irony of Men's Rights does not need to be brought up, and the ire of feminists has been alluded to by other sources covering the story and how it has been covered. It's been covered to death, and the best part is it makes me realize I am out of the loop. How do I generate controversy, gain blog hits, and become infamous?
Even Scott Adams knows there are some kinds of shit you don't touch. Not even as a blogger. Not even satirically. I blog anonymous and I wouldn't get in anyone's face or talk lightly about retardation or gender or any stupid thing. I prefer the borderlands of insensitivity and general curmugeonliness. There is one stinking turd that is so bloated with gas that even looking at it wrong can set it off. Even looking at an opposing turd the wrong way can set it off. You don't even look at this turd, let alone blog about it on your smug, high-class, oft-visited blog (which is solely buoyed by celebrity and little-more-than-average writing skills).
Anyways, the poor fellow took the nebulous, cringe-worthy subject of 'Men's Rights' to task in the most circumlocutory style possible: in short he pissed off everybody but his most dedicated fans, and even those have put at least one Dilbert mug at the back of cupboard. The irony of Men's Rights does not need to be brought up, and the ire of feminists has been alluded to by other sources covering the story and how it has been covered. It's been covered to death, and the best part is it makes me realize I am out of the loop. How do I generate controversy, gain blog hits, and become infamous?
4/1/11
Survivor Watch: 22. Pt.2
What they'll never be able to reproduce is the novelty. Other features of this gilded idol may be failing, but the one thing that cannot be produced (via magic or trickery or money) is any significant excitement to parallel the drawing power the show had in its first season.
3/28/11
Reviewing Fog
Fog is a musical group (it is I assure you) or project (look it up) or whatever highfalutin concatenation. If I was stubborn and vain enough to try and review the group I would be forced to review at least three albums. On a blog, and I don't profess to know much about those, three album reviews is virtual suicide. You might as well bake bread, or bet on Political Maverick Jack Layton.
Please take a moment and note how both alternatives are good ones.
Now to properly review an album, you have to state with methodical correctness who authored it, who published it, and the year it was published. If you are a particular rebel you will open with a quote from a review of another type of art. Then you move on to comparing it to other albums that it sounds like. Once you have completed that torturous step, you get personal.
Break out some adjectives and make a good time of it: after all, you've broken the album down into a series of ethical and musical and historical components to make it relatable. Plus you've already established your judgment by your tone, and most of your thinking audience has already agreed or disagreed with you. Then you write a paragraph about how the album sits in the context of the times as you see them, and when you attach it to a particularly noxious news story they come and sit on your legs and stuff hot peppers into your nostrils.
Since I'm reckless and generally a sloppy blogger I will raise the stakes and tell you I can review Fog's first two albums in only one image. The album names (so you can be conscious of the true extent of my wager) are the eponymous "Fog" and "Ether Teeth":
Please take a moment and note how both alternatives are good ones.
Now to properly review an album, you have to state with methodical correctness who authored it, who published it, and the year it was published. If you are a particular rebel you will open with a quote from a review of another type of art. Then you move on to comparing it to other albums that it sounds like. Once you have completed that torturous step, you get personal.
Break out some adjectives and make a good time of it: after all, you've broken the album down into a series of ethical and musical and historical components to make it relatable. Plus you've already established your judgment by your tone, and most of your thinking audience has already agreed or disagreed with you. Then you write a paragraph about how the album sits in the context of the times as you see them, and when you attach it to a particularly noxious news story they come and sit on your legs and stuff hot peppers into your nostrils.
Since I'm reckless and generally a sloppy blogger I will raise the stakes and tell you I can review Fog's first two albums in only one image. The album names (so you can be conscious of the true extent of my wager) are the eponymous "Fog" and "Ether Teeth":
You're all welcome
3/27/11
The Canadian Political Situation as of March 27, 2011
There are a shit ton of things I could blog about in this apocalyptic month. Shit I could even go the frivolous route and write about something that happened to me, or what I think of a recent movie, or Charlie Sheen. I got a good Charlie Sheen joke I'm holding onto for the first anniversary of the BP Oil Spill of 2010. I think I could write three parts about snow melting. I could even do another off-colour joke about school shootings.
But I'm going to dial it back a little and give everyone some breathing space whilst I write speciously about the political situation in Ottawa, Canada. With so much trouble in the world, it's only right that I do what the US MEDIA does relentlessly and contextualize it in the candy-coloured terms of geopolitics.
The effortless government of Stephen Harper finally rolled into the rough last week; parliament was dissolved, and the thing Canadians feared most (an election) finally rose out of the slightly toxic, slightly oily, slightly radioactive water of Canadian politics. What kicked it all off was a budget bill nobody agreed with, which led to slightly bemused finance minister who took it not at all personally saying that only time would tell.
If you ask any Canadian on the street, especially if they're unmarried and under the age of 30, they'll tell you they know nothing about the situation at all. Who could blame those fools for not caring about how their country is managed? Sorry, anybody who's lived under a repressive regime: things are so good in Canada that we can afford the fatal luxury of political apathy. Under these conditions it's pretty easy to see how professional politicians could shake up an election season out of nowhere: with strife and struggle raging all over the world, they just wanted a piece of the action.
I've seen ministers out on the streets begging for lights and spare cigarettes. Tim Hortons franchises are packed with political bookies offering huge odds on Jack Layton. Oil-hungry representatives and death-lobbyists from other parts of the world are getting away with murder in the capitol while obscure backbenchers search for their parking passes. The RCMP is letting anybody into parliament who agrees to adjust their pay to 2011 levels. Michael Ignatieff looked considerably smug earlier this week, but I saw him a few minutes ago with a pained expression on his face, as if his earlier enthusiasm was but an act.
Meanwhile, Harper made the most intelligent comment of the month when he alluded to the fact that 'most Canadians do not want an election'. Sure, a small portion of politically literate Canadians balked at the idea that he had the gall to speak for them, but the rest of us are not very impressed by this year's lineup. Also he was right. We preferred complaining about the Conservatives and the fact that we were the first country on earth to have a robot as our leader.
In terms of betting it is far too early to make an half-decent wager. The smart money has not been placed yet, but by mid-April we will wish we had done this last year, and sullenly bet on Blue, again, out of sheer spite.
But I'm going to dial it back a little and give everyone some breathing space whilst I write speciously about the political situation in Ottawa, Canada. With so much trouble in the world, it's only right that I do what the US MEDIA does relentlessly and contextualize it in the candy-coloured terms of geopolitics.
The effortless government of Stephen Harper finally rolled into the rough last week; parliament was dissolved, and the thing Canadians feared most (an election) finally rose out of the slightly toxic, slightly oily, slightly radioactive water of Canadian politics. What kicked it all off was a budget bill nobody agreed with, which led to slightly bemused finance minister who took it not at all personally saying that only time would tell.
If you ask any Canadian on the street, especially if they're unmarried and under the age of 30, they'll tell you they know nothing about the situation at all. Who could blame those fools for not caring about how their country is managed? Sorry, anybody who's lived under a repressive regime: things are so good in Canada that we can afford the fatal luxury of political apathy. Under these conditions it's pretty easy to see how professional politicians could shake up an election season out of nowhere: with strife and struggle raging all over the world, they just wanted a piece of the action.
I've seen ministers out on the streets begging for lights and spare cigarettes. Tim Hortons franchises are packed with political bookies offering huge odds on Jack Layton. Oil-hungry representatives and death-lobbyists from other parts of the world are getting away with murder in the capitol while obscure backbenchers search for their parking passes. The RCMP is letting anybody into parliament who agrees to adjust their pay to 2011 levels. Michael Ignatieff looked considerably smug earlier this week, but I saw him a few minutes ago with a pained expression on his face, as if his earlier enthusiasm was but an act.
Meanwhile, Harper made the most intelligent comment of the month when he alluded to the fact that 'most Canadians do not want an election'. Sure, a small portion of politically literate Canadians balked at the idea that he had the gall to speak for them, but the rest of us are not very impressed by this year's lineup. Also he was right. We preferred complaining about the Conservatives and the fact that we were the first country on earth to have a robot as our leader.
In terms of betting it is far too early to make an half-decent wager. The smart money has not been placed yet, but by mid-April we will wish we had done this last year, and sullenly bet on Blue, again, out of sheer spite.
3/23/11
Today's Celebrity Death: Brought to You By Twitter
I know this is a serious event for lots of people, but for me it is a death in the midst of thousands of others that are not reported, so don't think of me as callous. I am a realist and goddamn, I am sort of happy the media only reports 'big deaths', because the worst kinds of death happen either en masse or without reportage.
Elizabeth Taylor died today at the age of 79, after ailing for some time and disappearing from the public eye. I just want to talk about how this affects me, personally, because this is my blog, and I am a heartless, callous, pseudo-realist type of person.
J.G. Ballard's novel Crash will never be the same after this moment. Vaughn's hoodlum scientist ambition to die in an automobile wreck with Elizabeth Taylor is now completely hopeless. I even doubt it will change any future reading of the book, but you have to admit (if you've read it. And you should.) that is now an even more ghostly tale with serious undertones of having been written almost forty years ago.
I've done my own research on Elizabeth Taylor today. Her last Twitter post (did she write or dictate them?) is dated February 9th, 2011. Let's gloss over it for now and find a memorable, positive, wise statement under 140 characters that we can remember her by:
Not at least until I'm dead, and at the moment I'm having too much fun being alive...and I plan on staying that way. Happiness to all.
Elizabeth Taylor died today at the age of 79, after ailing for some time and disappearing from the public eye. I just want to talk about how this affects me, personally, because this is my blog, and I am a heartless, callous, pseudo-realist type of person.
J.G. Ballard's novel Crash will never be the same after this moment. Vaughn's hoodlum scientist ambition to die in an automobile wreck with Elizabeth Taylor is now completely hopeless. I even doubt it will change any future reading of the book, but you have to admit (if you've read it. And you should.) that is now an even more ghostly tale with serious undertones of having been written almost forty years ago.
I've done my own research on Elizabeth Taylor today. Her last Twitter post (did she write or dictate them?) is dated February 9th, 2011. Let's gloss over it for now and find a memorable, positive, wise statement under 140 characters that we can remember her by:
Not at least until I'm dead, and at the moment I'm having too much fun being alive...and I plan on staying that way. Happiness to all.
No one is going to play Elizabeth Taylor, but Elizabeth Taylor herself.
My interview in Bazaar with Kim Kardashian came out!!! http://j.mp/eqQsGa
3/21/11
Abandon All Hope and Sell Yourself to Your Superiors
Even if there is some type of ultimate meaning, doing the above would make you immune to it.
3/18/11
You really should watch the show this image comes from
Just promise me one thing, entertainment system:
Say you won't typecast the hell out of him when this is all over.
3/16/11
The Invisible Fist
This is Historic Times has struck again!
The art of combining two not unrelated subjects into a protest metaphor is an old one, but editorial cartoons have been known to get complacent or relaxed. Often, political cartoonists take aim at lame-duck political (non)issues with a heavy-handed eagerness that belies their agenda. Some manage to be valid, serious and (darkly) humorous at the same time, but that kind of balancing act is difficult, and the public may not be comfortable with it – and newspapers are already lacking for subscribers.
I haven't seen an outstanding, explicit political cartoon in a while, and the only place I can see them done well seems to be Terrence Nowicki Jr.'s website. This man's output is consistent and some of his work borders on that level of awesomeness where substance and style are realized in equal amounts. Humor isn't always his first target, but I like the new seriousness as much as the next anonymous blogger.
The cartoon I'm blogging about is a dark one, which tends to happen when art treats the issue of corporatism. From the callous murder of the toy homunculus in the science-fiction chapter of Cloud Atlas (Oh you haven't read it? You should.), to the sanctioned slaughter of replicants in Blade Runner, the corporate scene could easily be mistaken for a large dark cloud raining on the straggling masses – and let's not forget Robocop.
In all seriousness, I do not know if Nowicki was the first to equate philandering corporations with abusive spouses, but his execution is brilliant. What the abusive figure of 'corporations' says is exactly what it says and does in real life. Have corporations abandoned ship? Always. Do they threaten to, even when they already have one foot on the neck of another populace? You bet.
Which reminds me a bit of the recent news stories about investment banker 'brain drain' which might happen if governments refuse to underwrite firms. Firstly, no other country in the world will hire an American investment banker. Sheer protectionism, not to mention the checkered past of Wall St., will keep all but the most desperate countries from – but foreign corporations hire at will, don't they? America's paymaster, at least, would never hire one of those New York gold-bugs.
That's all incidental, however, and I was digressing a little. There was supposed to be a joke about how investment bankers are not brawny enough to be worth a similar cartoon, but I suppose they have already proven themselves to be more psychologically and financially abusive – the visual metaphor escapes me. Then again, I don't have much talent in that department.
If you want to see talent in that department, I should refer you to This is Historic Times, a political cartoon I might have mentioned in the past. It's pretty good, and recently presented a rather impressive and emphatic treatment of corporate America, in which America plays the part of...
The art of combining two not unrelated subjects into a protest metaphor is an old one, but editorial cartoons have been known to get complacent or relaxed. Often, political cartoonists take aim at lame-duck political (non)issues with a heavy-handed eagerness that belies their agenda. Some manage to be valid, serious and (darkly) humorous at the same time, but that kind of balancing act is difficult, and the public may not be comfortable with it – and newspapers are already lacking for subscribers.
I haven't seen an outstanding, explicit political cartoon in a while, and the only place I can see them done well seems to be Terrence Nowicki Jr.'s website. This man's output is consistent and some of his work borders on that level of awesomeness where substance and style are realized in equal amounts. Humor isn't always his first target, but I like the new seriousness as much as the next anonymous blogger.
The cartoon I'm blogging about is a dark one, which tends to happen when art treats the issue of corporatism. From the callous murder of the toy homunculus in the science-fiction chapter of Cloud Atlas (Oh you haven't read it? You should.), to the sanctioned slaughter of replicants in Blade Runner, the corporate scene could easily be mistaken for a large dark cloud raining on the straggling masses – and let's not forget Robocop.
In all seriousness, I do not know if Nowicki was the first to equate philandering corporations with abusive spouses, but his execution is brilliant. What the abusive figure of 'corporations' says is exactly what it says and does in real life. Have corporations abandoned ship? Always. Do they threaten to, even when they already have one foot on the neck of another populace? You bet.
Which reminds me a bit of the recent news stories about investment banker 'brain drain' which might happen if governments refuse to underwrite firms. Firstly, no other country in the world will hire an American investment banker. Sheer protectionism, not to mention the checkered past of Wall St., will keep all but the most desperate countries from – but foreign corporations hire at will, don't they? America's paymaster, at least, would never hire one of those New York gold-bugs.
That's all incidental, however, and I was digressing a little. There was supposed to be a joke about how investment bankers are not brawny enough to be worth a similar cartoon, but I suppose they have already proven themselves to be more psychologically and financially abusive – the visual metaphor escapes me. Then again, I don't have much talent in that department.
If you want to see talent in that department, I should refer you to This is Historic Times, a political cartoon I might have mentioned in the past. It's pretty good, and recently presented a rather impressive and emphatic treatment of corporate America, in which America plays the part of...
3/14/11
What time is it?
Daylight savings time, snow melts that lead to ankle-deep slush/water hybrid puddles, birds returning to chirp and swoop and shit on everything. That's springtime, but thanks to all of these impediments and blessings, I don't actually know what time it is. Winter dies with a vengeance – real winter, I mean. Some of you out there might think that a dusting of snow and -10 Celsius weather is a serious ordeal, but you're weak and have nothing noteworthy to brag about or discuss.
Anyways, my computer and my alarm clock are at odds about what time it is. My cellphone agrees with my computer, and most 'stupid' electronics in my place agree with my alarm clock, so I expect it really is 7:19 right now, and everyone could attest to that. I have somewhere to be at... 7 PM.
Anyways, my computer and my alarm clock are at odds about what time it is. My cellphone agrees with my computer, and most 'stupid' electronics in my place agree with my alarm clock, so I expect it really is 7:19 right now, and everyone could attest to that. I have somewhere to be at... 7 PM.
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