A while ago I saw a strange and vaguely disquieting video. It is funny, vaguely exploitative, and borderline surreal. For a minute I didn't know if it was real or some viral satire. I know the video isn't new by even the laxest standards, but to be quite honest I still wonder if I will 'get over it', to borrow an approximate phrase. The first viewing was followed by a few more for verification and I am almost certain it is the Real McCoy. How foolish of me to doubt the reality of 2013 internet video.
Really, though, the above video is obviously too earnest to be hoax, which fact actually makes it slightly more worrisome than if it was a well-timed joke. Hello, yes, this is the sort of thing that is not considered insane or cruel in our reality. But, also, you have to admit it's quite a funny video – this thing could have wrecked America's Funniest Home Videos (and might've, I don't know). Finally, as a true event, and not even a particularly remarkable one, it probably speaks volumes about this era or dawning era of time.
Imagine that the American Bald Eagle in the video represents something important, like a country's economy, the possibility of freedom, the hope for world peace, or a large tract of unspoiled land. Maybe that crashing eagle represents hamburger joints, ecological protection, civil equality, animal rights, low gas prices, or legalized euthanasia to you. Maybe it even reminds you of America, The Beautiful (it is in fact supposed by many to be a national symbol of the United States). Fixed with a greater meaning or different perspective the clip can take on absurd or tragic overtones. Of course, the real tragedy is what happened, and it's a multifarious tragedy at that.
You may be thinking, 'Why not make a few casual video remixes of this eagle crashing and post that? You know, instead of writing a bunch of words like a dork? You know, a good edit or parody can get you into high places and big money.' For starters, I don't have the software for it, and I don't want to be hassled on the internet – but I've got at least three funny ideas already. I would love to see what sound bytes or song excerpts or hilariously slowed-down samples would do for that clip. It's OK to laugh and make fun because the eagle didn't die, though later it was made to pay with its life for damaging property.
In the wake of what is being called (somewhat laughably in my opinion) the Government Shutdown of America, the video gains so much poignancy that it could cut backwards in time, alerting everyone in 2005 of the recession. In the video, the eagle plays the part of whichever major political characters, parties, or concepts you wish to deride with regard to the Government Shutdown. Meanwhile, it is absurdly likely that the States will eventually Balkanize as a result of what is essentially political pageantry. Things are getting pretty surreal around the world, but in the United States one can still, after all these years, bear witness to many high-caliber amazing and surreal things.
Yet perhaps it was all too real, and the video (posted and likely videotaped in August 2013) actually was meant as a sort of warning. Of course if go into the past looking for warnings, you're liable to find them... maybe sometimes a Youtube video, no matter the consequences, is just a Youtube video. However chilling the context of a video, however wicked a reality it exposes, the world is of course what news and comics make of it: a big place that's not so dangerous as everyone says, but instead actually kind of funny. While we slide into chaos it's the small things that prove us to be small time idiots that are actually pretty good examples of things we could do, as a species (which includes American Humans whether you like it or not), to better ourselves before we slide entirely off into the deep end – if we're not already there.
Hell, I've gone and made the whole thing sordid. It started off with a funny video with numerous deeper meanings and then I was going to say how unfair it was to the eagle (not to mention frightening and disorienting) but I don't want to be taken as an animal rights nut (even though the eagle was being exploited and was specifically property in the situation in the video – which in metaphor could make the handler either China or Liberal Lefties depending on who you are – because then well meaning realists (and anti-animal jack-offs) would scoff at me. As a symbolic video it has some value, as a 'funny video' the view count speaks for itself, and as a warning – heed it and weep.
Showing posts with label YouTube. Show all posts
Showing posts with label YouTube. Show all posts
11/15/12
Come on, YouTube.
You used to be a place where I could sensibly browse for videos. Now you offer me a few topics and "Recommended for You" shit. I loved when there were 15 pages of 'most viewed today' videos, and you didn't creep my video history to tell me what to watch. Every one-off video I watch when I'm logged in now means I get a bunch more recommended and have to go all over the place in search of something original.
"Most viewed" is too archaic, apparently. I can only watch what you want. Sure, there used to be all kinds of segregated sections of videos, and lots of things were hard to find, and there was pretty much always a bunch of bullshit. You always hyped the worst things based on the metric of how popular they were. I didn't care. I knew there was always an unbiased list of worldwide views. People gamed that system all the time but it generally brought me joy and decent videos. There used to be a front page where unsorted videos could be browsed according to whether they were recently posted, most views, most liked, most subscriptions. Y'all remember that? That was awesome. There was a 50/50 chance, every day, of finding something new and either interesting or funny, or just completely strange – no searching, just actual, lazy, unguided browsing.
You still got the search bar. If you got rid of it you'd be Web 3.0, of course: the era in which all the internet, like a modern game, plays itself. You redesigned a bunch of times. I never saw the reason for it, but I'm not a capitalist so my opinion doesn't matter for shit. I realize people need money to make things 'better' and the internet is hugely profitable. But your reconstruction wasn't for the better. If I can't see ~100 of the day's most viewed videos then what's the point? You want me to play the game your way, but there's not that many channels worth subscribing to, no matter how many of them can waste my time more or less enjoyably.
It's not about me anymore, it's about You. I understand why I can't find any television show ever made anymore. That was never going to last. I just want to actually browse. I mean I want to see a large variety of things in one place arranged logically, not according to metaterms or what's trending or what you think I should watch. I used to be able to do this, to find new, unlisted, unhyped things every day, but now I feel blind. I get 'trending' instead of 'most viewed' and it's just plain frustrating that there's no way to arrange things logically anymore.
You're like a giant focus group now, YouTube. Except they're all yes-men and cronies, and they're crowding me into a small room, and there's no window, so all I smell is their terrible coffee breath, and all I hear is their terrible opinions about what's good, and it's dark, and I don't want to have Minecraft videos recommended to me. 2010 is over, YouTube.
Maybe I'm a bad internet browser. Maybe I get frustrated about nothing, and I just don't know how to navigate your many avenues properly, and you still offer a 'most views' section, and I'm just crazy for not getting to it. I hope that's the case, because then I'd have a reason to have a bit of faith in you, and it would have been me who was blind. Not you blinding me. I don't think I'm crazy. I think you changed for the lamest, like you've always been doing, and if this is the future of the internet then good luck with it. We both know I'm not the center of the universe, and playing some terrible algorithmic joke to make it seem so is unimpressive and creepy. I want options, and less of this Mickey Mouse horse shit.
I know that much of the internet wants to know every last thing about what I do so they can further reduce my purview and essentially control what I see, do, and buy. Nationalism online is already an old story. I don't want or need that kind of reduced outlook, and their methods are increasingly obvious. The worst part is that I couldn't even put a date on YouTube's last upgrade, but essentially it was the day the videos died. At least there's still a search bar.
 |
| Oh, for Me? |
"Most viewed" is too archaic, apparently. I can only watch what you want. Sure, there used to be all kinds of segregated sections of videos, and lots of things were hard to find, and there was pretty much always a bunch of bullshit. You always hyped the worst things based on the metric of how popular they were. I didn't care. I knew there was always an unbiased list of worldwide views. People gamed that system all the time but it generally brought me joy and decent videos. There used to be a front page where unsorted videos could be browsed according to whether they were recently posted, most views, most liked, most subscriptions. Y'all remember that? That was awesome. There was a 50/50 chance, every day, of finding something new and either interesting or funny, or just completely strange – no searching, just actual, lazy, unguided browsing.
You still got the search bar. If you got rid of it you'd be Web 3.0, of course: the era in which all the internet, like a modern game, plays itself. You redesigned a bunch of times. I never saw the reason for it, but I'm not a capitalist so my opinion doesn't matter for shit. I realize people need money to make things 'better' and the internet is hugely profitable. But your reconstruction wasn't for the better. If I can't see ~100 of the day's most viewed videos then what's the point? You want me to play the game your way, but there's not that many channels worth subscribing to, no matter how many of them can waste my time more or less enjoyably.
It's not about me anymore, it's about You. I understand why I can't find any television show ever made anymore. That was never going to last. I just want to actually browse. I mean I want to see a large variety of things in one place arranged logically, not according to metaterms or what's trending or what you think I should watch. I used to be able to do this, to find new, unlisted, unhyped things every day, but now I feel blind. I get 'trending' instead of 'most viewed' and it's just plain frustrating that there's no way to arrange things logically anymore.
You're like a giant focus group now, YouTube. Except they're all yes-men and cronies, and they're crowding me into a small room, and there's no window, so all I smell is their terrible coffee breath, and all I hear is their terrible opinions about what's good, and it's dark, and I don't want to have Minecraft videos recommended to me. 2010 is over, YouTube.
Maybe I'm a bad internet browser. Maybe I get frustrated about nothing, and I just don't know how to navigate your many avenues properly, and you still offer a 'most views' section, and I'm just crazy for not getting to it. I hope that's the case, because then I'd have a reason to have a bit of faith in you, and it would have been me who was blind. Not you blinding me. I don't think I'm crazy. I think you changed for the lamest, like you've always been doing, and if this is the future of the internet then good luck with it. We both know I'm not the center of the universe, and playing some terrible algorithmic joke to make it seem so is unimpressive and creepy. I want options, and less of this Mickey Mouse horse shit.
11/9/12
The Coup & Assorted Criticism, Hypery, Links
I feel like the world is generally ignorant of legendary marxist rap crew The Coup, or even worse, is actively skeptical or unreceptive to mentions of that group. I understand perfectly how people can be political, but I personally hold music to be much more honorable than politics, so the general lack of knowledge or enthusiasm about The Coup is baffling. It's understandable. I'm sure smug white people aren't The Coup's ideal audience, so lots of the people I most often deal with have nothing to say when I bring up The Coup.
Shamefully, I never really bring up The Coup at all when people ask me what I like to listen to. The near mythical production of Pam the Funkstress and Boots Riley's cutting rhymes. There was an awareness of the wrongness of things that should speak to anyone, at times. It's not particularly comfortable music, I suppose. It's a little incendiary, even. Revolutionary talk, whether posturing or not, is completely out of favor right now. It's seen something for teenagers, for the mentally unfit, or Russians, terrorists and other people we disagree with and distrust. Anywhere you look in the world, people will call revolutionaries dangerous, misguided, lazy, out-of-touch – generally before revealing their own lack of comprehension about the basic concepts of socialism or Marxism, whenever socialism is brought up. If you can't revolt and can't hold government to account, why pretend to be happy or enfranchised?
So, if you'd ask me, I'd say The Coup is important, brutally honest, unique, and unabashedly political. Music with a message is nothing new, but it is the nature of popular music to be inherently pro-capitalist or at least ignore the issue or posture about it. The status quo is referenced to establish a lack of privilege and it's on to fun verses about partying, women, crime, or drugs. Hip hop and rap are often maligned for being empty-headed and consumerist by the very people who understand or identify with it the least, and The Coup in particular would serve as an amazing rejoinder. For those reasons and more, I want to pay homage, and celebrate the release of a new album!
Shamefully, I never really bring up The Coup at all when people ask me what I like to listen to. The near mythical production of Pam the Funkstress and Boots Riley's cutting rhymes. There was an awareness of the wrongness of things that should speak to anyone, at times. It's not particularly comfortable music, I suppose. It's a little incendiary, even. Revolutionary talk, whether posturing or not, is completely out of favor right now. It's seen something for teenagers, for the mentally unfit, or Russians, terrorists and other people we disagree with and distrust. Anywhere you look in the world, people will call revolutionaries dangerous, misguided, lazy, out-of-touch – generally before revealing their own lack of comprehension about the basic concepts of socialism or Marxism, whenever socialism is brought up. If you can't revolt and can't hold government to account, why pretend to be happy or enfranchised?
So, if you'd ask me, I'd say The Coup is important, brutally honest, unique, and unabashedly political. Music with a message is nothing new, but it is the nature of popular music to be inherently pro-capitalist or at least ignore the issue or posture about it. The status quo is referenced to establish a lack of privilege and it's on to fun verses about partying, women, crime, or drugs. Hip hop and rap are often maligned for being empty-headed and consumerist by the very people who understand or identify with it the least, and The Coup in particular would serve as an amazing rejoinder. For those reasons and more, I want to pay homage, and celebrate the release of a new album!
8/18/11
YouTube Again?
Today the 'Most Viewed' feature on YouTube showed only two pages of videos. For people like me, who usually start at page 10 and work backwards, or who don't visit the site every 2 hours, this is an unmitigated disaster.
So far as innovation goes, this is another case of walking backwards. There's the odd day when the #1 most viewed video is actually decent, interesting, or informative, but that doesn't actually happen enough to warrant having only two pages, which end on a depressing but not unexpected note:
33 most viewed videos and, yeah, that's all we get now. I guess. I hope this is simply due to some updating or other work, because it's downright shitty. I thought it was bad enough when I had to click an extra time for the charts because of the 'Videos from around the Web' feature – seriously you think I come to YouTube to watch videos on other video sites? I go to YouTube to see if there's anything interesting or redeeming going on, and more often than not I am disappointed.
On YouTube there used to be 100+ chances for a lazy man to find something, anything to revive his faith in the world, with maybe 5 mouse clicks. Now it takes 100+ clicks to find 5 chances for amusement, information, or decent nonsense. And people game that system all the time. If you have an account, don't you ever wonder why all these unsolicited users want to be your friend?
So far as innovation goes, this is another case of walking backwards. There's the odd day when the #1 most viewed video is actually decent, interesting, or informative, but that doesn't actually happen enough to warrant having only two pages, which end on a depressing but not unexpected note:
33 most viewed videos and, yeah, that's all we get now. I guess. I hope this is simply due to some updating or other work, because it's downright shitty. I thought it was bad enough when I had to click an extra time for the charts because of the 'Videos from around the Web' feature – seriously you think I come to YouTube to watch videos on other video sites? I go to YouTube to see if there's anything interesting or redeeming going on, and more often than not I am disappointed.
On YouTube there used to be 100+ chances for a lazy man to find something, anything to revive his faith in the world, with maybe 5 mouse clicks. Now it takes 100+ clicks to find 5 chances for amusement, information, or decent nonsense. And people game that system all the time. If you have an account, don't you ever wonder why all these unsolicited users want to be your friend?
5/16/11
The Unboxing Mentality
On Youtube there's probably thousands of unboxing videos by now. Probably hundreds of thousands, in addition to PR advertisements and/or advertainment projects that get posted up. Remember the post-classic era of YouTube when these things started to happen with regularity? The products became rather professional and even mildly interesting, generating a lot of baseless enthusiasm for various products.
One of the earliest and most viral types of YouTube marketing was the "Will It Blend?" series, which clusterfucked all kinds of product placements and madness into one video every few days. In a way the series was a metaphor for itself. People jumped onto these videos because they were more exciting than Lonelygirl15 and easier to find than interesting, creative, niche videos. I don't know if Blendtec sold a lot of blenders on the strength of this noteworthy advertising campaign, since it made everyone think that even food blended in the machine would turn into poisonous dust, but they sure got a lot of attention.
But I'm talking about the olden days of YouTube. These things all happened years ago. People actually got angry that Lonelygirl15 deceived them about being a real vlogger. For a while you'd see all kinds of angry comments about whether or not it was really a lone girl posting those videos. Most people came to their own conclusions, and in the end they turned it into a 'meh' series of shorts. This series didn't advertise for much except the performers in it.
However, the two corporate creations mentioned above gave some PR or adman the idea that you didn't have to create a persona to sell products and advertise on YouTube. Blendtec was too silly, Lonelygirl15 didn't really sell anything but belief that vlogging was worth anybody's damn – and the jury is still out about that. The solution is brilliant: just go to a real person who wants to get hits, give them an exclusive product to vlog about, and have them sell it for you.
One of the earliest and most viral types of YouTube marketing was the "Will It Blend?" series, which clusterfucked all kinds of product placements and madness into one video every few days. In a way the series was a metaphor for itself. People jumped onto these videos because they were more exciting than Lonelygirl15 and easier to find than interesting, creative, niche videos. I don't know if Blendtec sold a lot of blenders on the strength of this noteworthy advertising campaign, since it made everyone think that even food blended in the machine would turn into poisonous dust, but they sure got a lot of attention.
But I'm talking about the olden days of YouTube. These things all happened years ago. People actually got angry that Lonelygirl15 deceived them about being a real vlogger. For a while you'd see all kinds of angry comments about whether or not it was really a lone girl posting those videos. Most people came to their own conclusions, and in the end they turned it into a 'meh' series of shorts. This series didn't advertise for much except the performers in it.
However, the two corporate creations mentioned above gave some PR or adman the idea that you didn't have to create a persona to sell products and advertise on YouTube. Blendtec was too silly, Lonelygirl15 didn't really sell anything but belief that vlogging was worth anybody's damn – and the jury is still out about that. The solution is brilliant: just go to a real person who wants to get hits, give them an exclusive product to vlog about, and have them sell it for you.
5/11/11
Youtube's Movie Section Back Online
I was on YouTube today, more or less wasting time, when I discovered the movie section was back online. They took it down a number of months ago, and I was wondering where it went. Have no fear: Slacker is still available. Many of you no doubt remember using the movie section during periods of extreme boredom and lassitude, and its return is both a blessing and a curse. First: lots of the movies are of middling quality and may not hold your interest. You may have to force yourself to watch some of the movies in their entirety. This is alright if you consider watching bad movies a type of humorous sport, but if you have limited time, no sense of humor, or are otherwise a tight-assed nincompoop, it's best to stay away from the YouTube movie section unless your beloved critics give you the 'Okay'. Or, you know what? Just drive to the movieplex and spare your bandwidth.
But everyone knows that the best deals on YouTube are the movies you'd otherwise have to buy. That's right. Pirated movies on YouTube. Recently I watched Dune, and I'd like to post about the experience, since I've already delivered the news in a concise, informative, yet irreverent manner.
But everyone knows that the best deals on YouTube are the movies you'd otherwise have to buy. That's right. Pirated movies on YouTube. Recently I watched Dune, and I'd like to post about the experience, since I've already delivered the news in a concise, informative, yet irreverent manner.
4/15/11
YouTube Hates....
...any attempt at a serious erection. I'm not going to write a disclaimer. Let's get to this article. Do you like to laugh and cry uncontrollably when you masturbate? Are there not enough low points in your life? YouTube's got your back, son.
I've been lulled into watching a video playlist that has included incomprehensible low points of male fixation. By this I mean video game females, the unparalleled nadir of modern sexualization. There are enough points of contention for research, and if anything the inventiveness of cyber hussies is something... impressive. And I mean impressive in the way that any delusion, nurtured enough, becomes impressive - the sort of impressed where you feel happy to merely be an onlooker, but there's that knowledge that will never be erased from your mind or anybody else's.
In other words, if you spend enough time looking into the smut abyss... you will see lowest points. The nadirs. This is no byssus moment (internet high-five!) but this is the moment where you have to accept without going mad the fact that the human race is so goddamn weak and dissipated that lonely men don't drown themselves in alcohol and self-loathing and outrageous one-liners and hopeless chases or gun clubs anymore, and instead form constructive sexual fantasies including (but not limited to) inanimate objects, cartoon characters, animals, humans posing as animals, video game 'babes', stuffed animals, and probably at least four hundred other paraphilias. Leave it to YouTube to know what's up. Let's leave downright criminal things out of this and still be depressed. I feel I had to post this analysis. I know it'll be incoherent.
Now I was just looking casually for some smut, and the playlist started out innocently enough. French commercials for dreamcasts featuring models spraying water on each other. Brasilian butt-model videos, and generally just videos of very beautiful women in very artificial scenarios. Things involving real, paid, adults, nothing particularly schlocky except for a 'lesbian kiss' or two for the deluded, credulous homophobes with the stunted minds.
The video playlist goes downhill right around the time it uses models from the Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball. Beach Volleyball videos are only just being understood by scientists, and this sport is still being played by actual women, so it's not like anybody really needed a video game about it. Well that's Japan, right?
Reality check. Japan has several thousand words for 'uncanny depressing adolescent fantasy' and about three hundred for 'creepy pitiful fixation'. Japan knows the dice are loaded. Just ask the octopus and the fisherman's wife. Is it a parable? Is it prophetic? What.
I don't even care. It's too tragic. I'm sorry, Japan. Moving on, there are videos about teen models. So obviously the video playlist is depressing here, because, hey, immaturity. I'm not kidding myself, reader. This is an obscure blog post about what gets wanked to on about the last place a mature discerning adult human being would look for smut, and this blog post isn't even even half as depressing as the innocent video playlist it critiques. I'm not going to talk about the inherent sexism in all of the videos. Some of the videos actually celebra–
This entry in the field of depressingly amateur, terrible music, insane costume design, weird postures and facial expression smut is noteworthy, because it sees you and just laughs. Try to get hard to this? That one girl knows your dirty business and thinks you are lower than a worm. Look at her face – she isn't pretending to be overly serious, she just thinks you're a dork. Didn't you know YouTube hates you? It's got your back when you look for soft-core smut, but it is not playing the game seriously at all.
You better just find somebody, even if she's bigger than society tells you she should be, has bad skin and a shitty attitude and a decrepit materialist's soul. Then you learn your lessons from her and never, never allow yourself to fall this low again. You hear me? You work your way up. We can all be better, but you are making so many people feel better about themselves that you have to improve yourself before they feel any shame. Depressing man-children of the world, you have three years to get your shit together or nobody will ever take you seriously again.
First step. Do what the Italian woman in the video is telling you with her facial contortions to do, and delete your weak, tepid, depressing store of soft-core YouTube internet smut.
Here's a final link to the playlist, so you can witness the witless for yourself. Women, if you're going to watch this.... I know this rejoinder is weak, but you do some stupid god damn things too.
I've been lulled into watching a video playlist that has included incomprehensible low points of male fixation. By this I mean video game females, the unparalleled nadir of modern sexualization. There are enough points of contention for research, and if anything the inventiveness of cyber hussies is something... impressive. And I mean impressive in the way that any delusion, nurtured enough, becomes impressive - the sort of impressed where you feel happy to merely be an onlooker, but there's that knowledge that will never be erased from your mind or anybody else's.
In other words, if you spend enough time looking into the smut abyss... you will see lowest points. The nadirs. This is no byssus moment (internet high-five!) but this is the moment where you have to accept without going mad the fact that the human race is so goddamn weak and dissipated that lonely men don't drown themselves in alcohol and self-loathing and outrageous one-liners and hopeless chases or gun clubs anymore, and instead form constructive sexual fantasies including (but not limited to) inanimate objects, cartoon characters, animals, humans posing as animals, video game 'babes', stuffed animals, and probably at least four hundred other paraphilias. Leave it to YouTube to know what's up. Let's leave downright criminal things out of this and still be depressed. I feel I had to post this analysis. I know it'll be incoherent.
Now I was just looking casually for some smut, and the playlist started out innocently enough. French commercials for dreamcasts featuring models spraying water on each other. Brasilian butt-model videos, and generally just videos of very beautiful women in very artificial scenarios. Things involving real, paid, adults, nothing particularly schlocky except for a 'lesbian kiss' or two for the deluded, credulous homophobes with the stunted minds.
The video playlist goes downhill right around the time it uses models from the Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball. Beach Volleyball videos are only just being understood by scientists, and this sport is still being played by actual women, so it's not like anybody really needed a video game about it. Well that's Japan, right?
Reality check. Japan has several thousand words for 'uncanny depressing adolescent fantasy' and about three hundred for 'creepy pitiful fixation'. Japan knows the dice are loaded. Just ask the octopus and the fisherman's wife. Is it a parable? Is it prophetic? What.
I don't even care. It's too tragic. I'm sorry, Japan. Moving on, there are videos about teen models. So obviously the video playlist is depressing here, because, hey, immaturity. I'm not kidding myself, reader. This is an obscure blog post about what gets wanked to on about the last place a mature discerning adult human being would look for smut, and this blog post isn't even even half as depressing as the innocent video playlist it critiques. I'm not going to talk about the inherent sexism in all of the videos. Some of the videos actually celebra–
This entry in the field of depressingly amateur, terrible music, insane costume design, weird postures and facial expression smut is noteworthy, because it sees you and just laughs. Try to get hard to this? That one girl knows your dirty business and thinks you are lower than a worm. Look at her face – she isn't pretending to be overly serious, she just thinks you're a dork. Didn't you know YouTube hates you? It's got your back when you look for soft-core smut, but it is not playing the game seriously at all.
You better just find somebody, even if she's bigger than society tells you she should be, has bad skin and a shitty attitude and a decrepit materialist's soul. Then you learn your lessons from her and never, never allow yourself to fall this low again. You hear me? You work your way up. We can all be better, but you are making so many people feel better about themselves that you have to improve yourself before they feel any shame. Depressing man-children of the world, you have three years to get your shit together or nobody will ever take you seriously again.
First step. Do what the Italian woman in the video is telling you with her facial contortions to do, and delete your weak, tepid, depressing store of soft-core YouTube internet smut.
Here's a final link to the playlist, so you can witness the witless for yourself. Women, if you're going to watch this.... I know this rejoinder is weak, but you do some stupid god damn things too.
4/14/11
Portal Two
Well here's a new game that looks like it won't be a huge disappointment and an actual bonafide step forward for computer gaming. It doesn't matter if it's all hype, and the first game made the step forward, and this is just a polished, well-presented expansion pack building on it. We know it'll be decent. Episode Two of Half Life was worth the wait, after all. Portal 2 is going to make each and every gamer shit George Romero's pants. I was going to post an exciting YouTube comment I saw on an "Aperture Investment Opportunity #4", but YouTube Assassins have seen its worth and 'disappeared' it under more-liked comments than mean less.
The YouTube comment was noteworthy and to the tune of: "Who torrents a Valve game? They publish the only games worth playing anymore." That is not exaggeration via paraphrasing. It's true you should technically, if you are not lacking money for food or rent, pay for a Valve game. That is an unspoken rule of gaming. To break that rule is to become a troll, and risk the peculiar diseases of trolls.
But let's not lose sight of reality. We want this to happen properly, but in order to avoid heartbreak we should not get excessive. I'm going to let Valve tell you why Portal 2 is going to be worthwhile:
"Leave it to Valve to add a stock cartoon duo to a game that does not need them. And leave it to IGN to hype a game based on talking robots."
All I'll say is this: the robots, quoted out of context like this, give me a major Star Wars Prequel Trilogy vibe. Furthermore, who the hell is writing MSNBC's copy? It's funny to see Valve outplay two news sources with boilerplate, and that is why they are at the top of the establishment pile.
The YouTube comment was noteworthy and to the tune of: "Who torrents a Valve game? They publish the only games worth playing anymore." That is not exaggeration via paraphrasing. It's true you should technically, if you are not lacking money for food or rent, pay for a Valve game. That is an unspoken rule of gaming. To break that rule is to become a troll, and risk the peculiar diseases of trolls.
But let's not lose sight of reality. We want this to happen properly, but in order to avoid heartbreak we should not get excessive. I'm going to let Valve tell you why Portal 2 is going to be worthwhile:
All I'll say is this: the robots, quoted out of context like this, give me a major Star Wars Prequel Trilogy vibe. Furthermore, who the hell is writing MSNBC's copy? It's funny to see Valve outplay two news sources with boilerplate, and that is why they are at the top of the establishment pile.
4/8/11
State of the Internet
There was a glorious time when lots of TV series were freely available on YouTube, and there weren't just nonsense links. That era peaked maybe four years ago, at this point in time. Piracy is obviously still rampant, but when you could rustle up a genuine, entire series on, at last resort, a Chinese or French video site – happier days. Now you look around and your feet start kicking rebelliously at the leash. Unboxings, music videos, shout outs, 'viral videos': the entire goddamn world's PR department, is what this nonsense is. Oh look, some Minecraft videos, failblog videos, LPs, bro? Rants? No, YouTube is still of some definite worth.
I have been following at some distance The Young Turks' channel on YouTube; they always play a good hand at the stories they go after. Then there's the University of Nottingham's chemistry channel which is a nice blend of theory and sci-porn (mostly the former, obviously). There are also about 20 channels, each with three or four subsidiaries, which show up regularly (daily) in the top 100 - which as a rule I mistrust. Those view numbers are scary things, when you start thinking about the raw amount of time they represent. More or less, though, right?
Russia Today is always worth watching if you're in the habit of watching news and analyzing things as they are reported: I find that, between all the sources you are given as options, you get some shadowy idea of events, but very sharp impressions from the camera. That sounds in theory like a bait and switch scenario, right? I'm not trying to say anything that's just a consequential thought. Valid question I suppose.
And there are lots of niche channels that could appeal to you on YouTube and a fair bit of actually interesting or informative or pirated (good luck to the cyber detectives) material that can be found with the investment of a few minutes' thorough work.
Clearly, every wise person on earth would've thrown out their books if the internet was really the summit of civilization, so I think that book-apocalyptics stories about the internet, while dismally abundant, are still kind of a trite narrative device. So many noxious books have been printed and sold and hoarded and worshiped that, even counting the good ones, you have a general argument that a lot of paper was wasted and a lot of dirty solitary habits created. Some public habits, entire modes of thought, dependencies: you could go and talk about it.
But I recommend you read about it somewhere, instead.
I have been following at some distance The Young Turks' channel on YouTube; they always play a good hand at the stories they go after. Then there's the University of Nottingham's chemistry channel which is a nice blend of theory and sci-porn (mostly the former, obviously). There are also about 20 channels, each with three or four subsidiaries, which show up regularly (daily) in the top 100 - which as a rule I mistrust. Those view numbers are scary things, when you start thinking about the raw amount of time they represent. More or less, though, right?
Russia Today is always worth watching if you're in the habit of watching news and analyzing things as they are reported: I find that, between all the sources you are given as options, you get some shadowy idea of events, but very sharp impressions from the camera. That sounds in theory like a bait and switch scenario, right? I'm not trying to say anything that's just a consequential thought. Valid question I suppose.
And there are lots of niche channels that could appeal to you on YouTube and a fair bit of actually interesting or informative or pirated (good luck to the cyber detectives) material that can be found with the investment of a few minutes' thorough work.
Clearly, every wise person on earth would've thrown out their books if the internet was really the summit of civilization, so I think that book-apocalyptics stories about the internet, while dismally abundant, are still kind of a trite narrative device. So many noxious books have been printed and sold and hoarded and worshiped that, even counting the good ones, you have a general argument that a lot of paper was wasted and a lot of dirty solitary habits created. Some public habits, entire modes of thought, dependencies: you could go and talk about it.
But I recommend you read about it somewhere, instead.
4/6/11
Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Takes in This an Interest
My unaccountably small audience, YouTube has become self-aware!
You can imagine how painful the internet is for anyone who is not YouTube or Facebook. Go ahead, imagine, and I bet it feels good. That's good pain right there. Wait! This is a disaster! In my bombastic, semi-Colbert-semi-internerd style, I warn you that this new self-inflating digital economy is actually a bubble, and may burst!
I just made that discovery, when I was as usual researching the decline of my era on the internet, on YouTube itself. I realized that my sources could be improved a little, but more importantly I learned that:
No wise body on earth can watch the next two complete videos in sequence. I have prepared them as a perfect deathtrap. To even attempt to complete the watching of either (let alone both) will probably result in an exploded head, internet's Homestar Runner-style. I watched a bit of either, and I'm not going to review the experience here – YouTube's comment sections, here I come!– but this is basically the sort of challenge that is a long, subtle joke about the world right now. What makes it a challenge is not finishing it, even, but comprehending the exact style of your death this entails.
The first sequence in this challenge will serve, at most institutions, as an introduction to internet politics.
Now, the second is an advanced choice, doubles as internet politics 1102, and is a reckless move on my part; I feel a certain duty to the internet so am forced to post it in sequence, with a long introduction link sentence.
In an alternative YouTube Video Sequence, you may laugh harder – but you will learn less, and your mind will be less damaged. Feel free to comment about your general sense of dread, bigoted sense of superiority, or experience with the challenge! As a scientist, I may be able to make some use of your otherwise pointless generosity.
You can imagine how painful the internet is for anyone who is not YouTube or Facebook. Go ahead, imagine, and I bet it feels good. That's good pain right there. Wait! This is a disaster! In my bombastic, semi-Colbert-semi-internerd style, I warn you that this new self-inflating digital economy is actually a bubble, and may burst!
I just made that discovery, when I was as usual researching the decline of my era on the internet, on YouTube itself. I realized that my sources could be improved a little, but more importantly I learned that:
No wise body on earth can watch the next two complete videos in sequence. I have prepared them as a perfect deathtrap. To even attempt to complete the watching of either (let alone both) will probably result in an exploded head, internet's Homestar Runner-style. I watched a bit of either, and I'm not going to review the experience here – YouTube's comment sections, here I come!– but this is basically the sort of challenge that is a long, subtle joke about the world right now. What makes it a challenge is not finishing it, even, but comprehending the exact style of your death this entails.
The first sequence in this challenge will serve, at most institutions, as an introduction to internet politics.
Now, the second is an advanced choice, doubles as internet politics 1102, and is a reckless move on my part; I feel a certain duty to the internet so am forced to post it in sequence, with a long introduction link sentence.
In an alternative YouTube Video Sequence, you may laugh harder – but you will learn less, and your mind will be less damaged. Feel free to comment about your general sense of dread, bigoted sense of superiority, or experience with the challenge! As a scientist, I may be able to make some use of your otherwise pointless generosity.
12/11/10
Conan Attacks the Youth, DC Comics
I had to laugh at the Thursday episode when I caught it on the web just now. Somebody points at Conan and he points back, then a whole row of audience members point back, and it begins a thing. Leno does the high-five thing and contributes the flu, everyone claps, but Conan O'Brien consistently involves the audience some types of chicanery. Not all types of chicanery, of course.
Then Conan actually, if you'll believe this, told a member to point at the stage for the entire show. I don't know if it's just me, but when Conan said "That's what's wrong with your generation." I laughed but moreover, was deeply offended. Nobody can hold up their arms that long... it's discouraging to see him promoting this kind of angst just about finger pointing.
The entire DC Comics segment was great. The criticism of various lame superheroes and Conan even made the artist laugh. Or payed him to laugh. Either way, the criticism part made laugh heartily, though it was as heartless as his assault on the youth during the opening. Sarah Silverman is the kind of guest who is bound to act funny and kind of steal the show, and Michio Kaku is the intellectual twist and obligatory science guest. Sounds like a good Thursday night to me, except, well, the e-show delay. It's still good a day later.
Obligatory science guests, in this case speaking about sacred quests. Bit of rhyming. Really a good guest though, you really don't hear enough about Unified Field theory these days.
EDIT: If you look right now (Sat, ~4 AM EST) on the film & animation section on YouTube you can see a large amount of trailers posted for the new Transformers movie, and to be honest the number is not what you'd expect after Transformers 2. This fan enthusiasm has to be synthetic as the robot monster it has become.
Then Conan actually, if you'll believe this, told a member to point at the stage for the entire show. I don't know if it's just me, but when Conan said "That's what's wrong with your generation." I laughed but moreover, was deeply offended. Nobody can hold up their arms that long... it's discouraging to see him promoting this kind of angst just about finger pointing.
The entire DC Comics segment was great. The criticism of various lame superheroes and Conan even made the artist laugh. Or payed him to laugh. Either way, the criticism part made laugh heartily, though it was as heartless as his assault on the youth during the opening. Sarah Silverman is the kind of guest who is bound to act funny and kind of steal the show, and Michio Kaku is the intellectual twist and obligatory science guest. Sounds like a good Thursday night to me, except, well, the e-show delay. It's still good a day later.
Obligatory science guests, in this case speaking about sacred quests. Bit of rhyming. Really a good guest though, you really don't hear enough about Unified Field theory these days.
EDIT: If you look right now (Sat, ~4 AM EST) on the film & animation section on YouTube you can see a large amount of trailers posted for the new Transformers movie, and to be honest the number is not what you'd expect after Transformers 2. This fan enthusiasm has to be synthetic as the robot monster it has become.
12/1/10
Free Video for Dummies
If you've stumbled onto this without infecting your computer with all sorts of viruses and malicious code, you're on the right path. Unfortunately the path to free internet video ends here, because nobody has a good index of what's available on YouTube.
Oh yes, there's a lot of free video on YouTube. You no doubt consider it all stupid and vacuous and made by people who are paid by corporations to pretend to be people recommending you a certain game or lifestyle or product to eat. Some companies made, say, television shows in the 80s and these shows can be found on YouTube for free. I won't name any because I haven't finished watching all the episodes yet myself, but they exist and are relatively unpunished.
Whether the copyright holder gave up or what, I don't know. Entire television series exist on YouTube, uploaded by dedicated fans. Finding these shows is difficult, because most videos that purport to be part of a movie or show are stills that inform you that YouTube can't actually host video and that only some other website (whose url is typically disguised) can.
The trick is to look for things that are not new. Anything that came out lately will not be available on YouTube, and videos that suggest alternatively are lying to you. Or you're lucky. Which brings me to my last point, if you're lucky you can find whatever you want on YouTube, but luck depends on what you are seeking, how the creators feel about it, how their lawyers feel about it, and whether or not the poster of legitimate material has gotten ratted out or discovered.
None of the rules are steady. I searched for the newest season of Entourage and got nothing but links to slag-websites. I tried to find the Fresh Prince, and there was no luck for me outside of a few scattered episodes. Also the YouTube search engine sometimes posts the same links page after page, so going past 15 or 20 on a search is not recommended. As for programs which have been posted under other names, you can only hope to be on the right side of that divide.
You may know something I don't, about cool websites that provide utopian bandwidth and lossless videos (DivX, RIP) but I'll tell you I stopped going to various websites for free video because I was getting tired of reformatting my hard drive and reinstalling everything. YouTube is limited, but it won't cause your anti-virus to have a breathless panic attack.
Oh yes, there's a lot of free video on YouTube. You no doubt consider it all stupid and vacuous and made by people who are paid by corporations to pretend to be people recommending you a certain game or lifestyle or product to eat. Some companies made, say, television shows in the 80s and these shows can be found on YouTube for free. I won't name any because I haven't finished watching all the episodes yet myself, but they exist and are relatively unpunished.
Whether the copyright holder gave up or what, I don't know. Entire television series exist on YouTube, uploaded by dedicated fans. Finding these shows is difficult, because most videos that purport to be part of a movie or show are stills that inform you that YouTube can't actually host video and that only some other website (whose url is typically disguised) can.
The trick is to look for things that are not new. Anything that came out lately will not be available on YouTube, and videos that suggest alternatively are lying to you. Or you're lucky. Which brings me to my last point, if you're lucky you can find whatever you want on YouTube, but luck depends on what you are seeking, how the creators feel about it, how their lawyers feel about it, and whether or not the poster of legitimate material has gotten ratted out or discovered.
None of the rules are steady. I searched for the newest season of Entourage and got nothing but links to slag-websites. I tried to find the Fresh Prince, and there was no luck for me outside of a few scattered episodes. Also the YouTube search engine sometimes posts the same links page after page, so going past 15 or 20 on a search is not recommended. As for programs which have been posted under other names, you can only hope to be on the right side of that divide.
You may know something I don't, about cool websites that provide utopian bandwidth and lossless videos (DivX, RIP) but I'll tell you I stopped going to various websites for free video because I was getting tired of reformatting my hard drive and reinstalling everything. YouTube is limited, but it won't cause your anti-virus to have a breathless panic attack.
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